Cross Counties Golf Society - 2020 to 2025 Year Book

St Mellion

 

Operation COVID.

 

The weekend started with Hughes major finally being able to get into the UK to see Kiah and as she had turned 18, he had told her that she had to buy him a pint.  However, as Dog was in tow she was relived of this duty.   

Dog and Hughes Major had decided the best way to get to Cornwall was by train and the COVID rules clearly stated that whilst eating and drinking it was not necessary to wear a face mask.  Therefore, on purchasing 8 cans each Dog and Hughes Major followed the rules carefully and arrived in Cornwall where they met Bazzer a little pissed.

The cross Counties Golf Society could not have been accommodated any better as they had put us in apartments quite a way from the hotel complex.  So, with Adam, Chairman Lard and Jack scuttling off to some local supermarket to get supplies Ewen reveals that he has packed a mini sports pack and unveils cards and a dart board.  So, with food, alcohol and games we all met up each night and had a pretty good laugh.  Although we did hear that some other group in the hotel had been sent home as they broke the rule of 6 and were congregating in one room.

The weather was not as good as the sports apartment we had made, and with a very tight leaderboard on the final day it rained, it rained, and it rained some more, with all groups walking in at various parts of the round.  However, how were we going to decide who won the Cross Counties Cup and got to take the claret jug home?  After Bazzer consulted everyone, it was decided that the overnight leader would be declared the winner, so Hughes Major flew back home with the claret jug.  The unfortunate runner up Adam, who was taming the monsoon did however win the Matchplay Trophy beating Bryan Arthur in the final 3&2.

Salou, Spain

 

Is it Carry on Abroad?

We do seem to find things difficult in Spain.  This year we arrived in Spain without and Ad blue issues however with Dogleg waiting for us at our hotel, he found it locked up and closed.  We eventually found that Golf Breaks had moved us as the hotel we were supposed to be staying at was still being built, of course they had omitted to tell us of the change.

We did have one stupid incident that caused Barth to get a little angry was when someone in the back of the hired minibus decided to pour some water onto Barth’s head.  All I can say is that people walking in the street stopped to see wear the torrent of abu”Si”ve language was coming from.

 

The one real highlight of the golf trip was however the Tapas we had, possibly the best Tapas ever, washed down by plenty of Cervesa and Rioja.

 

Congratulations went to Dog for winning the Cross Counties Cup and Dom for winning the Matchplay Trophy.

Cyprus

 

Dom does not drink Whiskey!

 

We have now been going to warmer climes five times and we have this uncanny knack of bringing the wetter weather with us.  Who would have thought that playing golf in Cyprus in summer would cause us to have our round almost washed out.  Luckily, we stayed in the club house and were able to get out in the early afternoon and somehow both groups were able to finish the round albeit almost using our iPhone torches to play the 18th

One thing that always seems to happen on the Cross Counties Cup weekends is that Dom picks one night, usually the first night to decide that he is one of the big drinkers and stays out with Hughes Major and Dog.  The outcome is usually the same with Dom getting a little pissed.  However, this year Dom was splendidly drunk, and continuously informed all of us that he does not drink whiskey.  Well, we now know that’s true as Dom was lolling around all over the place and laughing hysterically.  He then decided that walking the 200 yards home was too difficult, however stealing a scooter and scootering home would be ok. The fact that he could not even “Si”t on a chair only made the outcome more inevitable.  Within the space of 5 yards Dom was laying on the floor with the scooter in top of him.

 

A NUMPTY won!!!

 

It would be extremely rude not to spend a minute or two to describe what was an historic moment.  We have had a Numpty play in the final foursome, when Chairman Lard achieved this feat at Bournemouth in 2014.  However, this year not only did a Numpty once again play in the final foursome, but they also had the audacity to win it.  Congratulations to “Si” for the winning the Cross Counties Cup and being the first Numpty to do so.  Jack Nicholas once said, “Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work".  With the introduction of the World Handicap System, I think this quote should have read “Having shit loads of shots can make anyone a contender. “Therefore the Cross Counties Cup is shared between “Si” and the World Handicap System…..Seriously though what the WHS has created is a level p[laying field whereby anyone on their day can win.

Portrush, Northern Ireland

 

We have eventually found our way to the emerald isle and the first thing that Barth, Dog, Bazzer and Hughes Major tried to do was to see if they could blag a late evening tee time on the Portrush championship course, only to be told that tee times were full for the next two years…..The courses in North Ireland were gems, although if you missed the fairway, you were deep in the cabbages.  This did not deter Andre who took home the claret jug beating Bazzer by one shot and making it back-to-back cross counties Cup wins for our Numpties.

Darren, Darren where are you?

 

With Barth finally getting us to his homeland, there was only one thing to do.   You may think that it was one of these historic things

 

  • Visit the Giants Causeway

  • See the Titanic exhibition

  • See Dunluce Castle

  • Go to the Bushmills distillery

  • Or even visit the Game of Thrones sites

No for Barth there was only one thing to do, hunt for Darren Clark.  We were lucky enough to see his Car Park space at Portrush golf course and even have a Guinness or two in the pub he drank in.  Alas he must have heard we were coming and made himself scares all weekend.

 

Peng unfortunately had some issues with his flights and put in a challenge for Dilly’s longest drive.   Although it was a splendid drive it did not match Dilly's feat, however it was the most expensive taxi ride ever at a wapping £120, the lads of course chipped in as we did not want to see Peng go without food, as we all know he does love his grub.

2024 La Manga, Spain

 

What no Golf!!

 

So back to the sunshine as we revisited La Manga, this time there was no Ad Blue issues, and everyone got to resort without any real issues.  Much to the group’s relief Dog, Bazzer and Hughes Major arrived in La Manga a day earlier and decided that Whiskey club was open. 

With the bottle of Whiskey finished at 4am the lads decided it was time to call it a night, they set their alarms for the morning with Siri telling them their alarm would go off in 3 hours 55 minutes.  Shit they had an early tee off on the South course.  Not to be deterred the lads made it to the first tee and playing a scramble shot a respectable 3 under par 70.  This was the only good golf Hughes Major played all week as he releases multiple Pro V1’s back to the wild.

Bazzer being super organised, as always, suggested we get the cards for all the courses and sort out all the admin early.  In the pro shop Dog, Bazzer and Hughes Major met the lads, with Adam and Jack also deciding to have a butchers at one of the courses as they nipped out for a sneaky 18 on the North Course. When Bazzer asked for the cards for the following three days he was informed that no Golf had been booked.  Luckily it was Bazzer at the helm and not Hughes Major, as a calm Bazzer spoke to the manager and the weekend was saved…

 

Buggy Gate

 

So off to the west course we went, Bazzer had all the grouping sorted, ensuring all the Matchplay games were organised.  Then disaster struck, the west course was deserted, luckily or not, you can decide Barth and Patchy were up at the main site and had organised and paid for 3 buggies.  Hurrah some screamed.  For Bazzer this was a headache as the buggy riders did not fit the foursomes he organised, the Matchplay matches were a mess and would need to be played the next day. 

There were some winners and losers here with the main winner being Hughes Major and main loser being Barth.  Jeff played so shit on day 2 that he got two shots extra for the final day and Barth made the mistake of winning Day 2 so get got cut three shots.  This eventually meant that Jeff won the Matchplay trophy from Barth 1 Up, making him the fifth person to complete the Grand Slam of Majors.  A special mention must go to Barth though who on the 18th giving Hughes Major a shot   put his tee shot in one of the many “barrancos” found on the course, took his drop and hit the most amazing approach shot to 4 feet.  There was no doubt Hughes Major had a twitchy bum as he rolled in put for 5 when Barth’s par put lipped out, had it dropped Barth would have won on count back.

Sean to the rescue.

 

Andre’s defense of the Claret Jug did not last long as he came in 12 points behind the leader on Day one.  He did, however, hit the trick shot of the weekend.  All weekend he was unable to hit a fairway 100 yards wide but was able to hit the ball through a hole in tree no bigger than a dustbin lid!  Lucky for Andre his son Sean was able to save the Clothier embarrassment by winning the Claret Jug at his first attempt, making it a hat trick of wins for the Numpties.  His win was more surprising as after 9 holes he only had 4 points, however with a two 5-point holes on the back nine he was able to pip Dom, by two points.  It does seem that lady luck was also shinning down on him as one of the par 3’s his tee shot looked to be heading OOB then hit a wall and rolled across the green to give him an easy birdie putt, which he sank. 

 

La Manga, no La Mangled!  “Estar enfermo”

 

So, end of Day one and we of course found ourselves in the Last Drop Bar as usual and although there was no “Si” night we were treated to something new.  Hughes Major decided it would be appropriate for a round of Baby Guinness’.   As not everyone of the group wanted one Bazzer took it upon himself to down four of them and then informed Sean that he was 3 up. 

At this Sean and Bazzer went to the bar and started having what was to become a very messy shot drinking challenge.  They each downed about 20 shots in the Last Drop before continuing the contest in Mulligans.  They decided it was a tie and the pair of them would challenge Dog and Hughes Major to a game of pool.  It was at this point the lights went on in the bar and out in Bazzer’s head.  Somehow, we found a taxi that agreed to take us and the now comatose Bazzer home, first informing us it would be 200€ if he was sick.  Well, he managed to get within 50 yards of the drop off point before Bazzer very kindly decorated the interior of the taxi with Babby Guiness.

The next day Bazzer was still in a bad place and was just sitting at a table with his head on a pillow while 5 people attempted to get things organized, yes 5 people doing what one Bazzer does so easy.  Anyway, on one of the par 3’s the ball fell off the tee and Bazzer couldn't be arsed to bend over so hit it anyway and won nearest pin.  In trying to work out how many shots Sean and Bazzer done we believe they had more shots than what patchy had on his final round on the North course.

 

Final comments

 

At the airport Bazzer and Dog missed the lounge as they were told that they had to go through passport control first, alas this was not the case and somehow Dog and Bazzer were able to blag the old bill to let them back over the border to enjoy the luxury of the lounge.  I am not sure if this is a bigger blag than the time at the Belfry in 2007 when Dog losing at spoof had to get us food after midnight and came back with what one can only say was an amazing cheese board.

 

One final comment after a great weekend away.  Team Essex who found themselves 6½-5½ on the final day would win 5 of the six matches to win the Team Event cup for the first time in what seems like a thousand years.

2025 Vilamoura, Portugal

 

We will not go home till I win

 

What is it about rain and our golf trips.  We have been to Cyprus, and it rained for the first time in a year. We have been to Portugal, and it rained cats and dogs.  However, we have never had rain like we had on this trip.  Dog, Baz and Hughes Major arrived a day early and Bazzer was determined to improve on his November Order of Merit score, so they ventured out in the light drizzle.  After 6 holes Dog had had enough and walked in. As Bazzer was on score Hughes Major stayed out with him but after nine holes they had to walk in, absolutely soaked through to the skin.  With the weather clearing and Bazzer being uber optimistic (probably due to him thinking he would better Barry’s 34 points and claim the November OOM 1st place) he convinced hughes major and dog to play the back 9.  As we were now playing in sunshine all the very wet “wet gear” was in our bags we continued the Bazzer charge for the November OOM win.  All started well and Baz was looking good, however down came the rain again and on the 14th, Hughes Major lost his rag with two Dorises who were playing ahead of us.  They had sensibly taken shelter as the rain came down hard and cold.  However just as dog Baz and Hughes Major were clearing the 13th green out, they popped from their shelter to tee off before us.  Hughes Major was having none of this and kindly told them in his own peculiar style how rude they were, whereby surprisingly they allowed us to play through.  Little good it done us as the rain started to fall again and with Bazzer putting his third shot into the drink he decided that he probably would not catch Barth’s total and called the round to a close. Off we all trotted to shower and found a bar ready for the rest of the group to join us. 

 

Did anyone bring a fishing Rod

 

The rain continued to fall all night and optimistically we journeyed to what one could normally say was a great looking golf course.  On this day however it was more like a place to fish, with the water running down the fairways like a river.  Bazzer was once again keen to go out to bat (if only the English cricket team were as keen to bat as Bazzer we might have put up a better fight in the ashes) but meeting a group of guys who had walked in informing us the course was unplayable Bazzer called a vote.  A simple question was asked, do we call it and get our money back or give it a go.  There was no need for a recount as the winning margin was as big as the US presidential race. Money back, car organised, it would be a day of watching England beat the All Blacks at the rugger ball game. 

With the lads on a bit of a “Leo” we found a bar that was showing the Eubanks v Benn fight, which also had a pool table.  After a few games of killer with another group of lads we decided to play some single matches.  The other lads were good, but Bazzer was confident that he could win unfortunately for Bazzer with all of his snooker skills this was not the case and it took Hughes Major with his no cue ball control  approach to win the table for the cross counties’ boys. 

Following the boxing Sean was very excited to get us to a bar his mates raved about so off we trudged to “cats”, nicely positioned next to our hotel.  The bar was very much like a Thia beach bar with the young good-looking ladies apparently very much into old English men with beer bellies.  It’s amazing how Portuguese women just find drunk old men with money so attractive.  We soon departed such a moral sapping bar and Hughes Major, Sgt Joe and Sean found themselves in “Patacas” a very local bar which had a fussball table, whereby Sgt Joe and Hughes Major got their arses kicked by a Portuguese girl who played foosball like Ronaldo.  Eventually Sgt Joe was left out late to play by himself and eventually made it home at about 6am after drinking with a certain Daren Bentley. 

 

It's not clubs, it’s lessons you need!

 

The first challenge of the day was to get Sgt Joe out of bed after about 1 hour’s kip.  When we arrived at Laguna golf course Hughes Major showed everyone his name up on the hole in one board.

The cross counties cup teams and match-play draws had been made, and this year Hughes Major took his turn as fat boy, being the last person to be picked, in fact the reality was that he was not actually picked, he was the last person so ended up on team Essex by default. 

Sean had the pleasure of playing in the same group as his dad, allowing Andre to give some great fatherly advice to him, by telling him not to try to make the shot he was intending to play as he was a shit golfer.  This really was a pot calling the kettle black moment.  Sean also shared with us his golf club fitting visit.  Deciding that this golf malarkey was OK he went out to get a new set of clubs and decided to do it properly and get clubs fitted for his swing.  After a few shots the salesperson told him to save his money and get lessons first. This advice was possibly tad harsh but one must admire the morality of the salesperson who out Sean’s needs ahead of his own by losing his sales commission that day.

Prior to the trip Baz was ensuring we had everyone handicaps sorted and never seeing Keelan or Sgt Joe play he was wondering if they were going to be bandits. This was not the case, in fact we could have given Sgt Joe 24 more shots and still would not have been challenging for the cup, especially as he had lost almost a dozen balls on the front nine. However, he was responsible for the shot of the day.   He was 300 yards from the green with trees down the left and villas to the right.  After not hitting a straight shot all day he decided this was the hole to really make his mark.  A full swing of his 3 wood sees the ball come off his club like a rocket sailing beautifully into the air straight off to the right and hits a window on a villa to the left and smash.

 

Sgt Joe rules.

 

A golf trip would not be the same without “Spoofing” for starters.  So, as we are about to start Joe asks for a small amendment to the rules, there were glances left and glances right wondering what rule change Joe wanted to make. It was, however, a simple but ingenious change that will remain in place.  When one correctly guesses the number of coins they must show no signs of emotion and say, “Gentlemen thank you for a fantastic game of spoof”.  As was to be expected these new rules created a few casualties.

Sean not once but twice in the same game was unable to curtail his excitement so straight back in he went, it was however third time lucky as he once again guessed right but this time delivered the exit line without a flicker of emotion.

 

 Bazzer and Hughes Major were scraping it out to determine who was paying for the group starters.  Bazzer calls it correct and delivers the exit line with a grin bigger than a cheshire cat and a small fist clench.  As the new rules adjudicator Sgt Joe calmly tells Bazzer there was a flicker of emotion so back in Bazzer goes.  Luckily, he still beat Hughes Major who over the weekend took Lards place in always buying the starters.

 

The biggest casualty of the new Joe rules was Andre who correctly called “spoof” with three people left in, however he failed to curtail his emotion with a double fist pump.

As the night continued this turned out not to be "Si" night but a new hybrid which we will have to call "SanDre" night as both "Si" and "Andre" were singing duets on the karaoke before Sgt Joe adds the second new rule of the night.  What is this second new rule I hear you ask, quite simply it was "Tell her".  Us lads at times will say things to the group about a woman they have seen, this could of course be derogatory, complementary, or maybe something they would like to do.  Post Karaoke poor Andre forgot all about this new rule and was heard saying to Hughes Major and Bazzer "She is fit as F@*k and some over comments.  Bazzer looks at Hughes Major who looked at Sgt Joe, and we calmly turn to Andre and say, "Tell Her".  Andre suddenly realises what he has done and tries desperately to find a loophole in the rule but no he is lead over to the young lady where he was witnessed repeating what he said and probably traumatising the young girl for the rest of her life.

 

Portugal once again did not fail to deliver a great weekend, rain and all.  Not only do we love the "Sgt Joe rules" but adding these new rules means Sgt Joe Rules.  However the congratulations must go to Sean, even though he was told to get golf lessons and not new clubs won the weekend again.