Sunday 06^th March 2011 - Winter Cup Round 1

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Cherry, Bar, Lemon………you lose Barth!

Another season, for the small but well formed group that is the Cross Counties Society.  This years Winter Cup was played in Sunny Wales, (the Vale of Glamorgan to be precise) with a big turn out of players for the first competition of the year.

Baz, Deano, Dill and Dogleg had travelled the night before (after a sneaky 18 holes at West Berkshire on route – Deano putting a marker down for the weekend with a 5 over par score of 78 which would have seen his handicap reduced to 8 if he had done the same one day later!).   Jeff decided to travel on the day and gave a lift to Stratts. Stratt’s first contribution to the weekend was to question why Jeff had such a small bag for three days of golf………….easy really it was only two days and one night! Stratts second contribution was to program the sat nav to avoid toll roads…………

Onto the first tee of the Wales National (which would prove to be a tough challenge) the weather was a little windy but not too bad as the first group of the day stepped up - the three guys who on paper looked to be the main contenders - Jeff, Barth and Deano.  For a little side amusement Barth and Jeff would also be contending their belated matchplay Semi-final……….Jeff would make the best start and be the only man to make a net par on the long opening hole and thus take an early lead.

Second group out would include Dogleg, Si and Stratts, whilst the final three would be Andre, Dill and Baz.  As with the first group all the players found the opening hole a tough ask and very few players posted points.  The same could be true of the second hole which was a monster par-5.  Baz decided the best way to play this was to hit all his shots left and then all his provisional balls right – in all he whacked a number of balls (main ball & provisional) more than ten times before posting an interesting point.

In the matchplay semi final Barth was having more luck than the Irish……….(scrub that he is bloody Irish!) on the 6^th hole he whacked his ball into a huge bunker only to notice it was GUR and receive a free drop.  This was followed on the next hole with a huge whack into a bush only for Jeff to find the ball right on time…..with Jeff thinking Barth would need to take a drop and still have no shot – Barth noticed a small stake and duly received relief which he thinned like a bullet into a tree…………only for the ball to drop down three feet from the hole.  It seemed every time there was a hint of light for Jeff he would not be able to capitalize, such as on the 10^th when Barth hit his approach into the water, all Jeff had to do was hit his 7-iron on the green……….after smashing his ball out of the course he repeated the trick with an 8-iron (I’m sure he did this to prove how versatile he is with his club selection!).  All in all Jeff would have a tough day at the office and find himself in a scrap not to be out in the first group on Monday, as Barth strolled serenely to his sixth matchplay final with a 6&5 win.

Barth’s form in the matchplay would of course stand him in good stead for the Winter cup as well as he would be the only player to make 30 points on a difficult golf course.  Jeff did manage to avoid being out in the first group thanks to a par on the eighteenth hole which saw his leap frog over Mr Wray.  Deano had a mixed day and could not re produce the brilliance of his Saturday practise round.  Tee to green he played ok but the old putting ghosts came back to haunt him as he posted a mediocre 24 points (mediocre by his standards of course!!).

Elsewhere on the course rumours begun to suggest that Stratts was taking the course on and winning, with Dogleg keeping just close enough to be interested.  After ten holes Stratts was blob free and only +1 on handicap as he looked to build a big lead on the field.  Alas it all went wrong at the end of the round where two points from the final four holes would see him drop back into 4^th place overnight.  Dogleg by contrast managed to play the last six holes in handicap golf and move into second place overnight.

In the final group Baz, Andre and Dill struggled on the front nine – whilst Baz only had one blob, he managed six 1-point scores to turn in just 10 points.  Dill and Andre managed six blobs each and only posted seven points between them (Dill 3, Andre 4).  Both guys raised their game on the back nine.  As did Baz, who posted a best of the day seventeen points including a birdie and two pars – the last of which came on the final hole, would prove enough to sneak Baz into third place overnight with 27 points.

Jeff did enough to win the long drive prize and Mr Wray helped himself to nearest the pin and the results after day one were as follow

Barth “lucky Irish bugga”                        30 points

Dogleg “steady eddie”                            29 points

Baz “blinding back nine”                         27 points

Stratts “choker”                                     26 points

Deano “mediocre day”                           24 points

Jeff “nightmare round”                           19 points

Si “Nearest the Pin”                               16 points

Andre “the gay blade”                            13 points

Dill “the blind man”                                11 points

We then had the joy of booking into the hotel – far too confusing given the simplicity of the task – Baz and Dogleg found a whole new meaning to the term “Barth” as the “Barth” opened the door to us from the “Bath” not a pretty site – in the end we all agreed it was Stratt’s fault as we finally all got checked in!

Dinner was memorable for three things!

1… A great meal – a carvery,  perfect for nine hungry golfers – but Jeff decided he would have yellow sauce with his Beef, Yorky Pud and veg……. this yellow sauce would prove to be custard……. Despite this, Jeff somehow managed to convince the staff he was a chef!!

2…Jeff indulged in some photography – well when I say photography I mean direction, he asked for particular pictures……….and the model duly supplied

3…The final moment of the night came during poker/whiskey club (after Jeff had done his traditional “I’ll put a few quid in before I get all moral and decide gambling challenges my values…………….really? Jeff has values?” Baz asked Barth for a quid and after receiving said monies went through the motions as follows………….

Monday 07^th March 2011 - Winter Cup Round 2

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Barth gets a full house!

Day two begun with Deano and Dilly missing breakfast completely……..quite surprising really given that everyone was cream crackered the night before and hit the sack quite early. In fact they were woken up by the hotel “fire alarm” – bit sad really that none of their mates gave them a call!  Still both guys had just enough time to trough a sausage bap before the first tee!

First off were Dill, Andre and Si and as usual the higher handicap golfers put the rest of the society to shame as they flew round the course at a great pace (the search for the slow play culrprits continues…….).  Next off were Jeff, Deano and Stratts and finally Baz, Barth and Dogleg.  As with the day before, Barth had a matchplay game – this time against Baz in the final.  

Day two was played on the lakes course a far easier prospect from the day before…but still with plenty of challenges.  The best start to the round was made by Baz who opened up with 11 points in the first five holes, it would have been more but for a streak of three putts.  In fact most of the final group had problems getting the ball dead on the fast greens – Barth took three putts on each of the first four holes – finally breaking the run with a fifteen footer on the 5^th.  Dogleg had a steady start as the final group stayed more or less where they started during the first few holes. 

Deano was having a similar day on Monday – lots of great work off the tee and into the green but real trouble holing out…in fact on the 17^th green after his tenth three putt of the day Stratts having suffered the same fate and remarked “that’s my second three putt of the day….” To which Deano replied “F**k off will ya”.  You have to wonder if Barth was sincere during the putting lesson he gave Deano before the start of play!

In the matchplay final Baz made a great start building a 2-up lead after 5 holes, however Barth would be ahead by the turn after a three hole winning streak.  Baz came back again and by the12th hole the match was all square.  The next three holes however were pivotal, the 12^th hole, both players hit great drives and whilst Barth found the island green Baz plonked three in the drink for Blob.  On the next hole Baz made a solid par three, and looked to get the match back to all square however Barth holed a fifteen footer for a half.  On the 14^th Baz received a shot and despite smacking his second OOB (foolishly Barth had followed him) he had two putts for the win………….or so he thought but Barth hit his approach (from the cabbages) to 3 inches and again the hole was halved…………so from 1 down after 14 Baz never got back to parity and the Barth man was able to hang on for a 2&1 win.

Dogleg headed to the seventeenth tee steaming and promptly hit his own ball in the cabbages – after lots of attempts to recover he accepted his blob and a solid par for Barth allowed him to go to the eighteenth tee with a four point lead.  Ironically Barth would hit his tee shot to the right and never see it again………..after not hitting a provisional ball it was down to Dogleg to make an eagle to force a play-off. After a couple of big digs Dogleg tried to chip in for the eagle and just missed to the left – the resulting birdie would not cheer him up as Barth sneaked home by a point.

So a great weekend for the Barth as he started his second tenure as Skipper by winning the Matchplay (2010) and the Winter Cup (2011) taking his major haul to eight wins and only one behind Deano. 

The final points to capture – Deano stole the nearest the pin (after a great shot from Dill……) and Dogleg recorded the Longest drive

Footnote:

After suffering so many people lost during action it is declared that the town of Wootton Bassett, will now be known as Royal Wootton Bassett – in honour of those that have departed this world, whilst representing these shores………………………..NO BARTH!!! This does not allow you to waffle on about the Wootton Bassett stories again

Saturday 09^th April 2011 – Hampshire Stableford

(Report by Jeff Hughes)

The Captain whittles out an opening day win

The first OOM day of year is an event I look forward to with anticipation but never have I been so badly prepared, why I hear you say so let me explain.  Lard and myself had our usual tennis exchange of voice mails until finally we "synched up" and agreed that I would drive to Lard’s and we would travel from his.

After the usual breakfast, mugs of tea and handshakes we set off to the pro shop to buy the usual golf essentials but alas the cupboard was bare and a number of us where unable to buy golf balls and “Captain Barth” was unable to buy new golf shoes after leaving his at home.

Whilst walking to the first tee, Andre explains to “Si” and myself that he has found a GPS application he could download that will provide golf course yardage.  This is a download that most of us would really find useful as hitting the correct fairways is not a common occurrence so “old technology” yardage charts just don’t work.

Before play even started Dill could be found in an old fashioned driving net where he become the first member of the society to lose a ball this year.  A shot of the metal frame saw his ball rocket past his head like a jet plane almost killing him.  It has to be noted that this is a surprise as he is usually firing miss hit shots at his friends, more often than not Bazzer.………….

When we arrived at the first tee and with the course marshal observing our antics none of us could have foreseen what would happen next.  “Captain Barth” mentioned to the marshal in passing that he was low on golf balls only for the marshal to whiz of and return five minutes later with some balls that he had found, only for Barth the golf ball snob to reject them all for being a bit shit!

So finally the wait was over, season 2011 would begin in a traditional Cross Counties style, that being having a laugh.  The laugh began when arrived to find that we were behind a deaf society, but I have to say that the speed of play they could well have been a death society……….any way hole-1 - we where faced with a drivable par 4 and with most of us taking a conservative approach hitting save irons down the fairway. I decided that a safe 5 iron was the appropriate shot, however Bazzer decided that I was being a little cowardly and so swapped my 5 iron for the driver and of course I rose to the challenge and promptly put my driver in the trees, oh for Andre’s GPS application.  Bazzer true to his word also hit his driver, fair play.  As did Peng who hit his driver directly left into trees, about 20 yards and at 45 degree angle.

With “Si” starting with two pars and Deano missing putts for fun the discussion of the second group (which consisted of “Si”, Deano, Ian and Jeff), was focused around the fact that golf is not about “Drive for Show and putt for Dough”, nor is it about “Tee it up high and hit it with a pie” it is all about the fact that only girls should be allowed two shots per hole.

With “Si” having probably one of his best starts to a round he was located in the middle of the 5^th fairway with the green beckoning Jeff just mentioned in passing to mind the tree that to be honest was not in play. However as we all know

Saturday 07^th May 2011 - Captain’s Day

(Report by Bryan Arthur)

Tales from Wootton Bassett……….

It was a dark and stormy night! OK, it was a reasonably mild and pleasant morning. To the skippers surprise Baz arrived at Barth Towers on time. Baz it should be noted had outdone himself in booking a home game in a place beside the village of Ludgershall……………..albeit 50 miles from home. Who could have guessed there would be two places called Ludgershall!

En route just the one stop to fuel the Barth-mobile whereupon Baz leapt from the vehicle in search of cash machine. Admit it, you’d have moved the car too! Worth it for the look of puzzlement on Baz’s boat. He did get revenge at the course locking the car doors when I got out to get the gates opened and leaving me outside in the rain.  Whilst I am reliably informed that Peng slept like a bairn en-route only stirring at the aroma of the full English!

Onto matters of golf, the skipper had a very pleasant stroll accompanied by the Chair, Si and Dogleg. I would respectfully note here that our higher handicappers are unrecognisable as the hackers who originally went on the inaugural trip to Bonny Jockland and now hit the ball uncomfortably well whilst still receiving shed loads of shots!

Before battle commenced Baz and Dogleg, both purchased lake balls. Dog ever confident bought just the one, Baz more cautiously purchased two. Dog returned his to the lakes on the second hole and Baz returned his to watery oblivion on the first and second. The moral of this story is never buy found balls, they’ve already learned how to escape!

Peng deserves a mention in dispatches for having drowned 4 balls in the drink over the course of only three holes. This is surpassed though by exploits on the Par-3 seventh, where he held nearest the pin………………temporarily and still managed a stunning blob by putting off the green and stuffing a chip back!

On the 5^th hole Dill again demonstrated the madness and inconsistency of his game.  On a hole where he received two

Funniest moment of the day is reserved for Dill who teed his ball so high Jeff remarked he could get his 5-wood clean under the ball and remove the tee, with the ball dropping back down……………low and behold up he stepped up and with a might swoosh he did indeed knock the tee away and the golf ball plopped gently to the ground!

Jeff’s day was complete when on hearing he had tied with Baz and after all variations of countback he was confident he would win courtesy of a birdie on the eighteenth……..however Baz had matched this and would take the place courtesy of the shot he received (and jeff didn’t).

So we anticipate the Welsh Wales oddessy, I look forward to your good company there,

Captain Barth.

Saturday 04^th June 2011 – Hertfordshire Stableford

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Barth wins again but it’s Si who burns up the back nine!

At the start of the third event of the year there was one big question – could anyone stop Barth? (having already banked the Winter Cup and the first two Stableford events of the year it was becoming a bit of a procession).  First job of the day find the course! Sally Sat nav took Barth through many twists and turns before we finally arrived at a golf course in the middle of town (although it would prove to be a nice quiet course!).  First job find the bar and get breakfast!

The rest of the boys would leave it late to arrive but everyone managed to get to the course on time and get fed although a few of them did try to go missing!  First Lard arrived……….and then vanished for a good 30 minutes………..whilst Dill arranged to meet Deano at the services and chose to sit in his car and not tell anyone he had arrived…………

Baz was feeling a little below the weather due to a spot of sunburn from the day before – not to be outdone Stratts stripped off to show “proper sun burn” he was brighter than a lobster!!  having put his redness away Stratts then pretended he had been hit by a stone from a Si practise swing…….to which Jeff’s practise swing resulted in a clump of the ground hitting Si……………you just knew it was going to be a long day!  In fact for Jeff it would be a very long day as…………..

1. on the 2^nd he would whack his ball into a tree – only to see the ball fly behind him
2. on the 3^rd he hit the fence behind the green – and bounced back into play
3. on the 5^th he lost his ball……….
4. On the 11^th Jeff hit the left edge of the green and does a 90 degree bounce
5. Perhaps he should take a leaf out of Dill’s book and walk in…..

hit 2 inches behind the ball…………..however he did find the green and the club head finished under a tree root and stuck in the ground!

On the 10^th tee it became clear that Baz, Dogleg and Dill had lost a hole to the group in front and were now holding up Si, Lard and Ian.  The final group were even more frustrated at the pace of play – Stratts decided the best way to handle this was to fire straight at the flag…………and bounced off the flag into the cack – this was the beginning of the end for Stratts……..

On the 13^th Baz took cover as one of the locals took aim and fired straight at him……..Baz duly wandered over to said golfer to retrieve his own wayward shot………only to be offered some “afters” from the lad who thought Baz had come over for a barney! Dill on the other hand took another opportunity to sit down on the ground…………….something he had been doing most of the day!

On the 18^th tee Jeff decided to bounce his golf ball on the edge of his club………but in line with his general timing of the day, managed to thin the ball straight into Stratts leg – resulting in a nice bump on his pin! – good news for Jeff – he would have lost his ball for sure.

The final note of the day is for Si – who having blobbed the first 5 holes amassed 22 points on the last 13 holes – better than any other player on the day. The player most impacted by this was the chairman – who picked the wrong day to play Simon in their Matchplay Plate Semi-Final…………. having led by four holes early on (while Si was busy blobbing) – he would lose on the last green in the wake of Si burning up the back nine.

Friday 15^th July – Cross Counties Cup – Practise Day

Southdown GC - Swansea

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Controversy in the valleys as the Matchplay is played out!

A steady journey to South Wales was had by all (except Baz who had wandered down the night before having been away with work).  This didn’t really pan out as planned for Baz as he arrived at the club several hours before batting began.  This should have worked out great for Baz as he had arranged to play Dogleg in his Matchplay quarter final………..but instead of doing any practise a few cups of tea and some dossing took place.

On the tee the rain started to fall – which was a good job for Lard as Lee had decided to return the waterproofs he borrowed three years ago in Troon………..Lard would later advise Lee its probably not a good idea to join a library!

As it was a practise day a few of the guys had arranged to play their matchplay games – In the first the Barth roller coaster was finally stopped as Stratts managed a comfortable 4&3 win (despite giving away a shed load of shots). 

In the other match Baz and Dogleg would have a strange game with lots of controversy (ironically this wasn’t caused by Baz or Dogleg but Jeff who was acting as the match referee – but more of that later).  Early chances should have gone

he asked Baz for a ruling and Baz advised the hole was conceded and match was now 2 down.  Needless to say Dog went ballistic and his game collapsed.  He managed to do just enough to stay ahead until the 18^th tee when Baz finally got back to all square. Fair play to Dogleg though, he pulled himself together and would go on to win the last hole and claim the match.

The trip to the hotel was quite interesting, we all did several circuits of Swansea before finding the car park – Jeff’s sat nav would not even find the Dragon hotel when he was sitting outside in the car park!

A quick change and a few beers in town then followed with the night finished off with a curry As always we had the great idea to spoof for starters – much to the protestation of Lard who was rattling on about why bother spoofing as “he would lose as always and end up paying” pleased to report (1) we convinced Lard to spoof (2) he lost as always…………and did end up paying - it really is funnier this way.  Lee chose the wrong moment to go the the loo as we ordered a starter of tomato soup ………..his face was a picture – surprisingly Peng arrived at this point to (a) order his own food (b) polish off everyone else’s left overs! 

Lee and Dogleg were the last to bed as the weekend kicked off in a traditional style………..curry, lots of beer and dragon hunting

Saturday 16^th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-1/OOM Rnd-4

Machynys Peninsula GC - Swansea

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Fifteen Lakes……Bad Times!

The first tee was daunting……….a very windy day (wind left to right)……..with a ditch down the fairway and a great big lake to the right.  Despite this most players managed to avoid the drink (on the first at least).  Andre didn’t wait to long though before he whacked a ball in the drink – he did this on the second hole and then devised a cunning plan to clear the lake with his second ball…..however this became a big slice onto the third fairway, well it would had been if he had carried the water!

On the second tee Barth realised he was in a fourball full of team Wiltshire players, so he decided to give the guys a pep talk which went along the lines of “threatening a painful retribution for all those that do not perform”  with Peng firing golf balls all over the course (or more accurately in all the lakes) Lard suggested a different approach – perhaps an arm around the shoulder? Barth ignored this advice and went for the “…and I’ll gouge your eyes out for good measure”…………the approach obviously had no effect as all the guys (except Barth himself) would go on to lose their opening matches!

Jeff started well and when he hit his approach on the 3^rd hole (Par-5) to 6 feet it looked like he would bag a birdie (and

Marshall……. hmmm this did not go down well and things would only get worse on the 8^th when Jeff hit one of his customary carves and questioned the rest of the group with “Did you get a line on that…………..” “Errrrr yes its about a million yards left in the cabbages……… and if you find it you have no shot” for some reason we did not find it…Jeff + lost ball = Self destruct… we finally managed to crack a few jokes and get Jeff to smile on the 10^th tee and calm was restored to the world (of course he hit his tee shot in the drink again!)

At the start of the round Dill had been seen telling people about his bargain lake balls (hmm…on a course with lakes/water on 15 holes surely it was just a matter of time before they get wet!)……well he didn’t get them all wet but he did give many back to nature and spent the day competing with Andre for who would lose the most balls (although Baz did get eight wet as well!).  Baz and Jeff had an interesting discussion on the 14^th……..both in the sand up the left, both aware how hard the scoring was on the day, both aware of the big lake up the right…..The sensible shot was to play up the left, pitch on and get out with points.  Both took aim, both finished in the lake on the right! So much for planning!  Si spent the day pinging flags literally! Hitting the flag on both the 9^th and the 12^th!

Lard remarked on the back nine (during his return of just 9 points) that it had been some time since he had used his putter………..in fact six holes, which equated to one and half hours!  Dill responded by asking which of the right hand bunkers he was in…………..of course all those people who play golf with Dill know he was actually in the left hand bunker.  He splashed out into the rough and retrieved his putter from his bag………only for Lard to advise again “Dill………where do you think you are – before of course putting him right and suggesting a wedge”

Dogleg was busy having a nightmare – scoring only 5 points in the last 7 holes – but despite this he would finish second on the day  – he would stay true to form and blob the 18^th as would many players – probably put off by the 150 yard carry over water from the tee.  First up Baz went for the par-5 in two shots and finished in the front bunker (many attempts later a six foot putt was made to save a single point).  Peng had a similar experience as he went from bunker, to bunker, to bunker…….to a thin that finished 50 yards behind the bunker……….for a blob  Jeff tried a different approach – whack the ball at the lake and bounce over………surprisingly it didn’t work!

The day was rounded off with Barth racking up his fourth straight win to seal the OOM title with one event still to go and with Stratts getting seriously tanked on the beer!

Sunday 17^th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-2

Pyle & Kenfig GC - Swansea

(Report by Barry Hughes)

Now that’s what I call wind - and I don’t mean Jeff!

Day two began with a search for the golf course – Ian having previously asked to follow Baz and Peng soon found

Lard and Jeff’s journey in the car was enhanced by a good chortle on the radio care of Talk Sport where a bloke wrote in to say when in a pub recently about to settle in to watch footie on Sky he was watching some re-run highlights of the 1966 World Cup when he had over heard the bint behind the bar chime in with "I didn't know they had Sky back then"- Ah! Priceless.

On to the course the conditions were going to be difficult as we began in a strong wind (that would get even stronger!) and rain – this seemed to have little impact on jeff who rolled in a 45ft birdie putt on the first……this was of course accompanied by Jeff’s traditional grunt of joy!    Baz meanwhile decided he would have a quick waz before battle only to realise he would be standing in the bushes with waterproof strides around his ankles and his backside facing the road………

All in all the front nine was not to bad and many players had a respectable return of points – however no one would score or play as well as Stratts, who declared on the 9^th he would chip in and go out in +2…………a feat he would indeed achieve.  Hughes major also posted a tally of sixteen points (obviously inspiring himself with the Joy Grunt”)……….alas all would change on the back nine though when the wind began to blow and the blobs began to appear.

Having had a long day already by the 10^th tee Lee wandered aimlessly back towards the first tee (probably realising he couldn’t do any worse if he played the holes again) however Lard took sympathy on him and advised he may want to cross the road and tee off from the correct place, although 1 point in ten holes around the turn suggested he would have been better off going to the bar!  In fairness most players struggled on the back nine with the wind really getting up – only Simon (13), Barth (14) and Andre (an amazing 16 points) managed to post double figure tallies.

The 11^th hole was a long dogleg par 5 – however visible off the tee about 100 yards away was a practise green – Jeff and Stratts hatched a plan to trick Peng and Ian into thinking this was in fact the green the guys should be playing to……………however as the guys were playing a matchplay plate semi-final they decide it would not be appropriate………however to much amusement Ian would find himself on the said practise green after two shots! Peng would finally go on to win the matchplay game on the final hole and progress to the plate final!

On the 17^th tee, Baz still chewing on a wasp (having lost balls on the previous two holes having hit his ball down the middle of the fairway) was given a little shove by Lard as put his ball on the tee…….resulting in a slight over balance………..Baz tried to return the compliment however Lard was too quick and managed to dodge the shove, resulting in a further over balancing………….i’m not sure what is worse, falling over twice or being too slow to catch Lard!.........still there was one final twist having reset himself Baz then found his ball knocked off the tee by Lard and his 5-wood…….it would have been funny but for the realisation by Lard that the ball travelled further and straighter than any of his tee shots from the previous day.

And so to the bar where the wind and rain had obviously taken its toll as the boys hit the beer and food and a spot of open golf…….where all people that could listen would hear Barth rattling on about Darren Clarke and Irish major champions (steady on Barth he wasn’t over the line yet……..anyone would think it was tales from Wootton Bassett…….)

After troughing the grub the boy’s departed for the hotel to get ready for the chairman’s quiz (always a feisty affair) – Lee having agreed to follow Jeff back to the hotel had a tailgating moment………..made worse by Jeff tailgating the car in front – with all cars pulling out in front of the oncoming traffic……..

After a spot of grub, well quite a lot of grub by the time we had devoured the assorted garlic bread, starters and mains we headed back to the hotel for the chairman’s quiz…….(rumour has it even Peng had had enough to eat………..but it is of course just a rumour).  The quiz was the usual rowdy affair with the Hughes boys on opposing sides, but would eventually be won by team Essex- after a ridiculous answer by Barth………still some consolation for Team Essex who were having a tough time in the team event!.

The final act of the evening is best described by the words of the chair himself who had the misfortune of sharing with Hughes major………….Later that evening, as they say, Lard akip in pit is woken up by Hughes Major staggering in around half three. Soon both are spark out.  Lard then woken by a snoring Hughes puts plan B into operation with the trusty ear plugs packed for the contingency.  Only to be woken again sometime still later by a noise that goes beyond 'snoring' being as it was loud and rasping past inserted defences. I rolled over only to see a ghostly cadaver of a body, tackle out, sheets kicked off – An image you need not dwell on.  It took a couple of thumps on the arm and a threat of further violence but some form of peace was restored.  Well only if you discount the continuing ooze and noisome seepage that is Jeff's digestive tract

Monday 18^th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-3

Pennard Golf Club - Swansea

(Report by Dave Abbott)

Taff Nav………there’s lovely!

On to Round 3. Me in navigation mode asks Jeff for the paperwork with the little map, his reply along the lines of I threw it in the bin as we left the room – good start.  Out of car park with Lee following we end up doing a U turn where it clearly says no U turns right in front of the Cop Shop with Jeff oozing booze from all his pores!

Then recounting the story that highlights Jeff's twat nav shortcomings Ian chimes in with one of the lines of the weekend with "Must be a Taf Nav". I suggested that when it reaches the destination it says "There's lovely".

So to the first group, where Jeff joined the numpties.  Swish, biff by Hughes and then almost as some kind of celebration the sprinklers go off either side of him. Actually would not have mattered much if he had got wet as everyone pretty much did by the end of the round.

The course was undulating to say the least with many blind holes.  At one point Jeff asked me to spot for him on the ridge. I duly take up a position pointing down to the left of me as I face Jeff and get ready to see where the ball ends up. (I failed to do this towards the end of day 2 for Hughes B!).  Jeff sets and biffs.  The ball comes at me head height like an Exocet but having got an early bead on it I sway out of the way watching the logo go by and hearing the water droplets coming off the back.  A true Matrix moment!  Later Lee joins in and fires one directly at my arse which was avoided with a 'reverse sway', Matrix moment 2 (the return).  I am thankful there was not another one as a third time had pain written all over it.

Between holes (and a couple of times it wasn't always easy to see just where next tee was) Lee tackles the Stableford points system.  I explain, then Lee asks Jeff what his handicap is on the card.  "So" he says with purposeful deliberation "I get 2 shots on holes 1-10", "Yes" says Jeff with Si in mind thinking this is hard work. "Then" Lee goes on with a knowing wink to me "Is it always holes 1-10?" Jeff turns with an amount of irritation with a long sigh and was about to launch into a bit of a tirade when he sees the pair of us just looking at him! "Bastards!" as he realises. 

After a couple of very wayward duffs Lard pointed out to Lee that he is lifting off the ground as he swings the club (I know I as doing the same in round 1).  Lee then tries to concentrate on not doing this but there were times when that was forgotten and all he needed to complete the image was a pink tutu as he tippy toed his way around the course.

The Castle hole was interesting as we had green keepers working on the fairway but we should have guessed they