Spoof…………….says the chairman!
I spoof, we spoof, they spoof or have spoofed. What of Spoof? To many it is understood as a form of trick, a good natured prank, a gentle deception or lampoon, to fool. Thus it might be so defined in a dictionary. But to others it simply means I’m getting the starters in. It is historical fact!
“Egads!” exclaimed Sir Cadwallader through his stout helmet “The filthy wretch had only a doublet of grotes in his grubby paw vouchsafing the outcome be but a round of nine” – “Gadzooks! Looks like tis me to get in the inaugural vittles’ “
“Arrrrrgh!” cried out Capn NineIron “The filthy harlot had kept but one measly doubloon within her skirts, so there be only a hand of pieces of eight between you scurvy cutthroats. Then means I ar to be fetching the first platter”
“Wowsers!” said Velma “The Green Ghoul had three poison tokens in his mitts and now I’ve got to get the first round of Scooby Snacks”
“Come now Caruthers” said Professor Sandtrap “Surely the creature cannot be secreting more than two of the radioactive pellets within its pouch?” But a look of pure astonishment meant he was wrong. “Oh! No!” he bellowed “Looks like I’m paying for the entrees.
“Ah! Jenkins” said the Duke Would you show the Prime Minister through to the morning room then send word to Mrs Miggins that it is I to pay for the kedgeree. Appears the Right Honourable Member of the House thinks himself Royalty and carried no coin instead of the four thought by me- bah!”
“CAVE! Here comes old Maynard now” whispered Witherington-Thomas minor. ” I bet he has five crowns in his pocket, the old skinflint is loaded”. “Three” says Grabber,” Two chimes in Molesworth. Molesworth needed this. It was his last chance. Anything other than two would spell disaster. Later whilst the Headmaster schmoosed Matron in her inner sanctum the boys rifled the pockets of the Heads gargantuan trousers. “Dammit!” exclaimed Molesworth after they had extracted the fluff, dead beetles and old betting slips. Next day Molesworth had to be first in line at the tuck shop “This is going to cost me a fortune” he sighs resigned to his fate.
All assembled looked on in total disbelief, fear and apprehension as the saucer like craft’s thrusters burst into life and the ship from somewhere in deep space set down on the four metallic legs that protruded from its side. There was a deathly silence then a break in the sleek lines, bright white light and silhouetted against the filament came a robot, a mechanical man, a fantastic machine. It was the stuff of science fiction. It paused at the head of the ramp that had slid forth and with some sonic amplifier managed to speak and connect with the whole earth at once. At first completely alien but somehow translated in each recipients brain. Like gears grating the voice set people on edge and it took sometime before the meaning was clear. “I don’t bloody believe it. Me, brain the size of a planet. I mean I make reasonable guesses based on a certain amount of logic. The statistics alone should surely mean… I told ‘em I said ‘I’ll get the starters’ but no they make me go through the whole rigmarole and does it make any difference? Does it bugger!” It stopped, faced the assembled crowd, held what must have been its arms wide and said “Where’s the nearest curry house? I’ve got about a dozen ‘Hank Marvin’ individuals in here and I’ve got to get the hors d’oeuvres in!”
And so the die is cast! Play up
A message from your outgoing Skipper……it’s the Barth man
(December 2011)
It was Christmas in the workhouse and the captain was feeling merry!
Another good year for the cross counties we have acquired some new members and some interesting golf has been played
A new skipper has been selected (conned) and we look forward to some splendid meals with him, Breakfast, 2nd breakfast, elevenses, brunch, lunch, etc – hang on I’ve worked it out Peng must be a hobbit
We anticipate a bumper turn out for the winter cup which we look forward to for two reasons
1) seeing people
2) winning
Seasonal beast to all and I look forward to grinding you underfoot again in 2012
Sunday 06th March 2011 - Winter Cup Round 1
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Cherry, Bar, Lemon………you lose Barth!
Another season, for the small but well formed group that is the Cross Counties Society. This years Winter Cup was played in Sunny
Baz, Deano, Dill and Dogleg had travelled the night before (after a sneaky 18 holes at West Berkshire on route – Deano putting a marker down for the weekend with a 5 over par score of 78 which would have seen his handicap reduced to 8 if he had done the same one day later!). Jeff decided to travel on the day and gave a lift to Stratts. Stratt’s first contribution to the weekend was to question why Jeff had such a small bag for three days of golf………….easy really it was only two days and one night! Stratts second contribution was to program the sat nav to avoid toll roads…………
when Jeff questioned the time and mileage being quoted by Sally sat nav all became clear as 70 miles and an hour of the journey disappeared……….
As always first stop was brekkie and this was taken across a variety of different dining areas as we all struggled to find the same dining room! (a trick that would be repeated for our evening meal) we did finally meet up in the clubhouse by the pro shop, just in time to see
Onto the first tee of the
Second group out would include Dogleg, Si and Stratts, whilst the final three would be Andre, Dill and Baz. As with the first group all the players found the opening hole a tough ask and very few players posted points. The same could be true of the second hole which was a monster par-5. Baz decided the best way to play this was to hit all his shots left and then all his provisional balls right – in all he whacked a number of balls (main ball & provisional) more than ten times before posting an interesting point.
In the matchplay semi final Barth was having more luck than the Irish……….(scrub that he is bloody Irish!) on the 6th hole he whacked his ball into a huge bunker only to notice it was GUR and receive a free drop. This was followed on the next hole with a huge whack into a bush only for Jeff to find the ball right on time…..with Jeff thinking Barth would need to take a drop and still have no shot – Barth noticed a small stake and duly received relief which he thinned like a bullet into a tree…………only for the ball to drop down three feet from the hole. It seemed every time there was a hint of light for Jeff he would not be able to capitalize, such as on the 10th when Barth hit his approach into the water, all Jeff had to do was hit his 7-iron on the green……….after smashing his ball out of the course he repeated the trick with an 8-iron (I’m sure he did this to prove how versatile he is with his club selection!). All in all Jeff would have a tough day at the office and find himself in a scrap not to be out in the first group on Monday, as Barth strolled serenely to his sixth matchplay final with a 6&5 win.
Barth’s form in the matchplay would of course stand him in good stead for the Winter cup as well as he would be the only player to make 30 points on a difficult golf course. Jeff did manage to avoid being out in the first group thanks to a par on the eighteenth hole which saw his leap frog over Mr Wray. Deano had a mixed day and could not re produce the brilliance of his Saturday practise round. Tee to green he played ok but the old putting ghosts came back to haunt him as he posted a mediocre 24 points (mediocre by his standards of course!!).
Elsewhere on the course rumours begun to suggest that Stratts was taking the course on and winning, with Dogleg keeping just close enough to be interested. After ten holes Stratts was blob free and only +1 on handicap as he looked to build a big lead on the field. Alas it all went wrong at the end of the round where two points from the final four holes would see him drop back into 4th place overnight. Dogleg by contrast managed to play the last six holes in handicap golf and move into second place overnight.
In the final group Baz, Andre and Dill struggled on the front nine – whilst Baz only had one blob, he managed six 1-point scores to turn in just 10 points. Dill and Andre managed six blobs each and only posted seven points between them (Dill 3, Andre 4). Both guys raised their game on the back nine. As did Baz, who posted a best of the day seventeen points including a birdie and two pars – the last of which came on the final hole, would prove enough to sneak Baz into third place overnight with 27 points.
Jeff did enough to win the long drive prize and Mr Wray helped himself to nearest the pin and the results after day one were as follow
Barth “lucky Irish bugga” 30 points
Dogleg “steady eddie” 29 points
Baz “blinding back nine” 27 points
Stratts “choker” 26 points
Deano “mediocre day” 24 points
Jeff “nightmare round” 19 points
Si “Nearest the Pin” 16 points
Andre “the gay blade” 13 points
Dill “the blind man” 11 points
We then had the joy of booking into the hotel – far too confusing given the simplicity of the task – Baz and Dogleg found a whole new meaning to the term “Barth” as the “Barth” opened the door to us from the “Bath” not a pretty site – in the end we all agreed it was Stratt’s fault as we finally all got checked in!
Dinner was memorable for three things!
1… A great meal – a carvery, perfect for nine hungry golfers – but Jeff decided he would have yellow sauce with his Beef, Yorky Pud and veg……. this yellow sauce would prove to be custard……. Despite this, Jeff somehow managed to convince the staff he was a chef!!
2…Jeff indulged in some photography – well when I say photography I mean direction, he asked for particular pictures……….and the model duly supplied
3…The final moment of the night came during poker/whiskey club (after Jeff had done his traditional “I’ll put a few quid in before I get all moral and decide gambling challenges my values…………….really? Jeff has values?” Baz asked Barth for a quid and after receiving said monies went through the motions as follows………….
Cherry, Cherry, Lemon
Bar, Bar, Cherry
Lemon, Grape, Cherry
Cherry, Bar, Lemon
Baz then declared Barth was the loser in the Baz fruit machine and suggested the trail was held and he may need to put another quid in to see if he wins…………
Monday 07th March 2011 - Winter Cup Round 2
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Barth gets a full house!
Day two begun with Deano and Dilly missing breakfast completely……..quite surprising really given that everyone was cream crackered the night before and hit the sack quite early. In fact they were woken up by the hotel “fire alarm” – bit sad really that none of their mates gave them a call! Still both guys had just enough time to trough a sausage bap before the first tee!
First off were Dill, Andre and Si and as usual the higher handicap golfers put the rest of the society to shame as they flew round the course at a great pace (the search for the slow play culrprits continues…….). Next off were Jeff, Deano and Stratts and finally Baz, Barth and Dogleg. As with the day before, Barth had a matchplay game – this time against Baz in the final.
Day two was played on the lakes course a far easier prospect from the day before…but still with plenty of challenges. The best start to the round was made by Baz who opened up with 11 points in the first five holes, it would have been more but for a streak of three putts. In fact most of the final group had problems getting the ball dead on the fast greens – Barth took three putts on each of the first four holes – finally breaking the run with a fifteen footer on the 5th. Dogleg had a steady start as the final group stayed more or less where they started during the first few holes.
Deano was having a similar day on Monday – lots of great work off the tee and into the green but real trouble holing out…in fact on the 17th green after his tenth three putt of the day Stratts having suffered the same fate and remarked “that’s my second three putt of the day….” To which Deano replied “F**k off will ya”. You have to wonder if Barth was sincere during the putting lesson he gave Deano before the start of play!
In the matchplay final Baz made a great start building a 2-up lead after 5 holes, however Barth would be ahead by the turn after a three hole winning streak. Baz came back again and by the12th hole the match was all square. The next three holes however were pivotal, the 12th hole, both players hit great drives and whilst Barth found the island green Baz plonked three in the drink for Blob. On the next hole Baz made a solid par three, and looked to get the match back to all square however Barth holed a fifteen footer for a half. On the 14th Baz received a shot and despite smacking his second OOB (foolishly Barth had followed him) he had two putts for the win………….or so he thought but Barth hit his approach (from the cabbages) to 3 inches and again the hole was halved…………so from 1 down after 14 Baz never got back to parity and the Barth man was able to hang on for a 2&1 win.
Dogleg had a very ordinary start in his quest for the title – dropping as far back as 5 points with just seven holes to play, when his game clicked into life. A birdie 4 on the Par 5 – 14th hole would see Dogleg Morris close the gap to one point. As with the matchplay a pivotal moment came on the sixteenth when Dogleg three putted for a single point – when well placed for a single putt par…………..and Barth made another up and down from the cabbages! This allowed the lead to grow to two points with two holes to play (when it looked like the guys would be going all square……………..
Dogleg headed to the seventeenth tee steaming and promptly hit his own ball in the cabbages – after lots of attempts to recover he accepted his blob and a solid par for Barth allowed him to go to the eighteenth tee with a four point lead. Ironically Barth would hit his tee shot to the right and never see it again………..after not hitting a provisional ball it was down to Dogleg to make an eagle to force a play-off. After a couple of big digs Dogleg tried to chip in for the eagle and just missed to the left – the resulting birdie would not cheer him up as Barth sneaked home by a point.
So a great weekend for the Barth as he started his second tenure as Skipper by winning the Matchplay (2010) and the Winter Cup (2011) taking his major haul to eight wins and only one behind Deano.
The final points to capture – Deano stole the nearest the pin (after a great shot from Dill……) and Dogleg recorded the Longest drive
Footnote:
After suffering so many people lost during action it is declared that the town of Wootton Bassett, will now be known as Royal Wootton Bassett – in honour of those that have departed this world, whilst representing these shores………………………..NO BARTH!!! This does not allow you to waffle on about the Wootton Bassett stories again
Saturday 09th April 2011 – Hampshire Stableford
(Report by Jeff Hughes)
The Captain whittles out an opening day win
The first OOM day of year is an event I look forward to with anticipation but never have I been so badly prepared, why I hear you say so let me explain. Lard and myself had our usual tennis exchange of voice mails until finally we "synched up" and agreed that I would drive to Lard’s and we would travel from his.
However after arriving at Lards we decided that I would drive, due to his car being parked around the corner (there is not enough time here to say why Lard parks his car around the corner but suffice to say it is an epic only comparable to “Captain Barth’s” Royal Wootten Basset classic). Well half way to the venue I asked Lard for the directions, which he explained where actually sitting on his kitchen table. This along with my Twat Nav having no battery we had to resort to, shock horror, pulling into a service station to dig out a map book. So the question to all of you is, can anyone remember this “old technology”. Unfortunately Lard could not as he tried tapping the map and even tried to enlarge the map with his fingers (ooer). However as this did not work he resorted to the old fashioned zoom which was performed by him moving the map closer to his face.
After the usual breakfast, mugs of tea and handshakes we set off to the pro shop to buy the usual golf essentials but alas the cupboard was bare and a number of us where unable to buy golf balls and “Captain Barth” was unable to buy new golf shoes after leaving his at home.
Whilst walking to the first tee, Andre explains to “Si” and myself that he has found a
Before play even started Dill could be found in an old fashioned driving net where he become the first member of the society to lose a ball this year. A shot of the metal frame saw his ball rocket past his head like a jet plane almost killing him. It has to be noted that this is a surprise as he is usually firing miss hit shots at his friends, more often than not Bazzer.………….
When we arrived at the first tee and with the course marshal observing our antics none of us could have foreseen what would happen next. “Captain Barth” mentioned to the marshal in passing that he was low on golf balls only for the marshal to whiz of and return five minutes later with some balls that he had found, only for Barth the golf ball snob to reject them all for being a bit shit!
So finally the wait was over, season 2011 would begin in a traditional Cross Counties style, that being having a laugh. The laugh began when arrived to find that we were behind a deaf society, but I have to say that the speed of play they could well have been a death society……….any way hole-1 - we where faced with a drivable par 4 and with most of us taking a conservative approach hitting save irons down the fairway. I decided that a safe 5 iron was the appropriate shot, however Bazzer decided that I was being a little cowardly and so swapped my 5 iron for the driver and of course I rose to the challenge and promptly put my driver in the trees, oh for Andre’s
With “Si” starting with two pars and Deano missing putts for fun the discussion of the second group (which consisted of “Si”, Deano, Ian and Jeff), was focused around the fact that golf is not about “Drive for Show and putt for Dough”, nor is it about “Tee it up high and hit it with a pie” it is all about the fact that only girls should be allowed two shots per hole.
With “Si” having probably one of his best starts to a round he was located in the middle of the 5th fairway with the green beckoning Jeff just mentioned in passing to mind the tree that to be honest was not in play. However as we all know
Top surrond
trees are magnets for golf balls and lo and behold “Si’s” shot hit the tree and deflected into the greenside bunker. However ”Si” was saved by the girlie two shot rule and walked off with a point.
With “Si” still smarting from the previous hole he started to tell us that Janet, that is his wife and not Jeff, is a black belt in Karate and when he went to watch her final grading he found it very hard to watch his wife take a kicking. Although at one stage he did think to ask someone to give her a whack for him. This must be exactly what the bloke on the 5th
tee must have felt when his Doris hit her tee shot and then saidat 100 decibels “Ow that was such a lovely shot but why did it have to end up over there”.
On the 7th hole “Captain Barth” hit a hoiked drive into the trees on the right hand side and fortunately the ball pinged out, his second shot was no better as he duffed it, but this was a fortunate hole for our captain as he holed his third from off the green for a birdie. There was a little bit of a delay on what could only be called the girliest hole on the course, it was a par 3 that “Si” would get two shots on. Anyway with Dilly wearing a pair of white trousers and lemon shirt, Jeff could not help but ask if Dilly was going to be wearing gay clothes next society day? As quick as a flash Dilly’s retort was ”Only if you bring them for me” .
The 10th hole saw Bazzer make a birdie and Peng hit a 4 iron into the 150 yard par 3, the pit crews also had to work overtime. First Jeff tried to be funny by using his foot to stop “Si’s” trolly, almost breaking the trolley but luckily a quick repair enabled the trolley to continue intact. Lard also had a trolley malfunction as he nearly lost one of his 'tyres'. A short pit stop akin F1 saw Pitstop Peng and Lard get it back on. However as slick as the pit stop was it would appear they allowed the trolley out without properly securing the wheel nuts and a few holes later “Captain Barth” , Bazzer and Pitstop Peng pointed at Lard’s trolley asking “where has that wheel gone?” Lard then spent the rest of the round at an incline which summed up his back nine as had shocker missing putt after putt, in fact he must have three putted at least ten times on the day and he only scored five points on the back nine.
On the 11th yet again “Captain Barth” hit his 5 wood way left into trees, but yet again he was fortunate enough to see his ball come out and he was able to save two points. It was also on this hole that both Jeff and “Si” hit terrible tee shots and when “Si” was told he had out drove Jeff he promptly run over Jeff’s ball (obviously getting his own back for Jeff almost breaking his trolley). Alas on close inspection it was found that he had in fact ran over his own ball…
On to the 12th hole and the nearest the pin, well after the way senor Ian was hitting the ball all day it was no surprise to see him take the nearest the pin and also see him see his handicap adjust to 18, so congratulations Ian you played a great round.
Off the tee “Captain Barth” was actually hitting his drive long and straight all day and fortunately for him when he did hit it off line he was lucky enough for the ball to ricochet back into play. However on the 16th his good fortune came to an end as he hit his drive straight left into the cack! Undeterred he somehow found the ball and hit his second shot to 5 feet - he would sink the putt for birdie.
On the 17th hole Bazzer decided to take on the green with driver, this was whilst the group in front where still putting out making them a group of very unhappy campers.
The final results………….well played “Captain Barth” who had no blobs in his round and posted 37 points, second was Bazzer with 35 points (and due to having some blobs he got cut) and Deano came third with 34 points after a storming back nine.
Saturday 07th May 2011 - Captain’s Day
(Report by Bryan Arthur)
Tales from Wootton Bassett……….
It was a dark and stormy night! OK, it was a reasonably mild and pleasant morning. To the skippers surprise Baz arrived at
En route just the one stop to fuel the Barth-mobile whereupon Baz leapt from the vehicle in search of cash machine. Admit it, you’d have moved the car too! Worth it for the look of puzzlement on Baz’s boat. He did get revenge at the course locking the car doors when I got out to get the gates opened and leaving me outside in the rain. Whilst I am reliably informed that Peng slept like a bairn en-route only stirring at the aroma of the full English!
Onto matters of golf, the skipper had a very pleasant stroll accompanied by the Chair, Si and Dogleg. I would respectfully note here that our higher handicappers are unrecognisable as the hackers who originally went on the inaugural trip to Bonny Jockland and now hit the ball uncomfortably well whilst still receiving shed loads of shots!
Before battle commenced Baz and Dogleg, both purchased lake balls. Dog ever confident bought just the one, Baz more cautiously purchased two. Dog returned his to the lakes on the second hole and Baz returned his to watery oblivion on the first and second. The moral of this story is never buy found balls, they’ve already learned how to escape!
Peng deserves a mention in dispatches for having drowned 4 balls in the drink over the course of only three holes. This is surpassed though by exploits on the Par-3 seventh, where he held nearest the pin………………temporarily and still managed a stunning blob by putting off the green and stuffing a chip back!
On the 5th hole Dill again demonstrated the madness and inconsistency of his game. On a hole where he received two
two shots he was past the pin in Net zero……….and still managed a blob
Jeff again showed his ability to “nutmeg”, a skill normally reserved for game of soccer. Haven’t, heard yet if Deano was impressed to be the recipient of this talent as he was standing some 250 yards down the fairway when the said event occurred.
Funniest moment of the day is reserved for Dill who teed his ball so high Jeff remarked he could get his 5-wood clean under the ball and remove the tee, with the ball dropping back down……………low and behold up he stepped up and with a might swoosh he did indeed knock the tee away and the golf ball plopped gently to the ground!
Jeff’s day was complete when on hearing he had tied with Baz and after all variations of countback he was confident he would win courtesy of a birdie on the eighteenth……..however Baz had matched this and would take the place courtesy of the shot he received (and jeff didn’t).
So we anticipate the Welsh
Captain Barth.
Saturday 04th June 2011 – Hertfordshire Stableford
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Barth wins again but it’s Si who burns up the back nine!
At the start of the third event of the year there was one big question – could anyone stop Barth? (having already banked the Winter Cup and the first two Stableford events of the year it was becoming a bit of a procession). First job of the day find the course! Sally Sat nav took Barth through many twists and turns before we finally arrived at a golf course in the middle of town (although it would prove to be a nice quiet course!). First job find the bar and get breakfast!
The rest of the boys would leave it late to arrive but everyone managed to get to the course on time and get fed although a few of them did try to go missing! First Lard arrived……….and then vanished for a good 30 minutes………..whilst Dill arranged to meet Deano at the services and chose to sit in his car and not tell anyone he had arrived…………
Baz was feeling a little below the weather due to a spot of sunburn from the day before – not to be outdone Stratts stripped off to show “proper sun burn” he was brighter than a lobster!! having put his redness away Stratts then pretended he had been hit by a stone from a Si practise swing…….to which Jeff’s practise swing resulted in a clump of the ground hitting Si……………you just knew it was going to be a long day! In fact for Jeff it would be a very long day as…………..
Back to the proper stuff and Dogleg started like a house on fire with birdies at the second and third – it was almost even better, after an approach to 8ft on the 4th……..but a safe par was duly recorded. Alas wheels would begin to fall off on the next hole (the crazy 440 yard par-5 with bunkers, water and cack…………..in fact all the players in the group would lose balls on this hole. Si had the record for the shabbiest start as after five holes he had yet to score a point and was 4-down to Lard.
On the 8th Baz perfected the bunker shot from a bare lie on the fairway- not sure the plan was to
hit 2 inches behind the ball…………..however he did find the green and the club head finished under a tree root and stuck in the ground!
On the 10th tee it became clear that Baz, Dogleg and Dill had lost a hole to the group in front and were now holding up Si, Lard and Ian. The final group were even more frustrated at the pace of play – Stratts decided the best way to handle this was to fire straight at the flag…………and bounced off the flag into the cack – this was the beginning of the end for Stratts……..
On the 13th Baz took cover as one of the locals took aim and fired straight at him……..Baz duly wandered over to said golfer to retrieve his own wayward shot………only to be offered some “afters” from the lad who thought Baz had come over for a barney! Dill on the other hand took another opportunity to sit down on the ground…………….something he had been doing most of the day!
On the 18th tee Jeff decided to bounce his golf ball on the edge of his club………but in line with his general timing of the day, managed to thin the ball straight into Stratts leg – resulting in a nice bump on his pin! – good news for Jeff – he would have lost his ball for sure.
The final note of the day is for Si – who having blobbed the first 5 holes amassed 22 points on the last 13 holes – better than any other player on the day. The player most impacted by this was the chairman – who picked the wrong day to play Simon in their Matchplay Plate Semi-Final…………. having led by four holes early on (while Si was busy blobbing) – he would lose on the last green in the wake of Si burning up the back nine.
Friday 15th July – Cross Counties Cup – Practise Day
Southdown GC -
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Controversy in the valleys as the Matchplay is played out!
A steady journey to
On the tee the rain started to fall – which was a good job for Lard as Lee had decided to return the waterproofs he borrowed three years ago in Troon………..Lard would later advise Lee its probably not a good idea to join a library!
As it was a practise day a few of the guys had arranged to play their matchplay games – In the first the Barth roller coaster was finally stopped as Stratts managed a comfortable 4&3 win (despite giving away a shed load of shots).
In the other match Baz and Dogleg would have a strange game with lots of controversy (ironically this wasn’t caused by Baz or Dogleg but Jeff who was acting as the match referee – but more of that later). Early chances should have gone
managed to lose these holes and was 4 down at the turn with the match virtually over – however there was a slim hope after winning the 10th and then receiving a shot on the 11th …………..cue the controversy………Baz hit his second shot to the edge of the green, Dog was short and in the rough after two shots so Baz was looking good to win the hole……However Dog would begin to walk to where he believed his ball was, and be told by Jeff he was short and that was Jeff’s ball. Anyway after 5 mins the ball was declared lost and the hole conceded……..then Jeff went to the ball he had assumed was his and found it was Dogleg’s after all………..he was not a happy boy –
he asked Baz for a ruling and Baz advised the hole was conceded and match was now 2 down. Needless to say Dog went ballistic and his game collapsed. He managed to do just enough to stay ahead until the 18th tee when Baz finally got back to all square. Fair play to Dogleg though, he pulled himself together and would go on to win the last hole and claim the match.
The trip to the hotel was quite interesting, we all did several circuits of
A quick change and a few beers in town then followed with the night finished off with a curry As always we had the great idea to spoof for starters – much to the protestation of Lard who was rattling on about why bother spoofing as “he would lose as always and end up paying” pleased to report (1) we convinced Lard to spoof (2) he lost as always…………and did end up paying - it really is funnier this way. Lee chose the wrong moment to go the the loo as we ordered a starter of tomato soup ………..his face was a picture – surprisingly Peng arrived at this point to (a) order his own food (b) polish off everyone else’s left overs!
Lee and Dogleg were the last to bed as the weekend kicked off in a traditional style………..curry, lots of beer and dragon hunting
Saturday 16th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-1/OOM Rnd-4
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Fifteen Lakes……Bad Times!
The first tee was daunting……….a very windy day (wind left to right)……..with a ditch down the fairway and a great big lake to the right. Despite this most players managed to avoid the drink (on the first at least). Andre didn’t wait to long though before he whacked a ball in the drink – he did this on the second hole and then devised a cunning plan to clear the lake with his second ball…..however this became a big slice onto the third fairway, well it would had been if he had carried the water!
On the second tee Barth realised he was in a fourball full of team Wiltshire players, so he decided to give the guys a pep talk which went along the lines of “threatening a painful retribution for all those that do not perform” with Peng firing golf balls all over the course (or more accurately in all the lakes) Lard suggested a different approach – perhaps an arm around the shoulder? Barth ignored this advice and went for the “…and I’ll gouge your eyes out for good measure”…………the approach obviously had no effect as all the guys (except Barth himself) would go on to lose their opening matches!
Jeff started well and when he hit his approach on the 3rd hole (Par-5) to 6 feet it looked like he would bag a birdie (and
4 points)….however he missed the putt and then the one back as well – we then realised the stroke index on the card, was different for matchplay and stableford…….as such Jeff didn’t get a shot and would end the hole with just a single point! Three holes later Jeff would surpass this with a five putt! (and even then we gave him the last one – for blob of course!). As we walked off the green Jeff was still chewing the wasp in his mouth when we were given the hurry up by a
Marshall……. hmmm this did not go down well and things would only get worse on the 8th when Jeff hit one of his customary carves and questioned the rest of the group with “Did you get a line on that…………..” “Errrrr yes its about a million yards left in the cabbages……… and if you find it you have no shot” for some reason we did not find it…Jeff + lost ball = Self destruct… we finally managed to crack a few jokes and get Jeff to smile on the 10th tee and calm was restored to the world (of course he hit his tee shot in the drink again!)
At the start of the round Dill had been seen telling people about his bargain lake balls (hmm…on a course with lakes/water on 15 holes surely it was just a matter of time before they get wet!)……well he didn’t get them all wet but he did give many back to nature and spent the day competing with Andre for who would lose the most balls (although Baz did get eight wet as well!). Baz and Jeff had an interesting discussion on the 14th……..both in the sand up the left, both aware how hard the scoring was on the day, both aware of the big lake up the right…..The sensible shot was to play up the left, pitch on and get out with points. Both took aim, both finished in the lake on the right! So much for planning! Si spent the day pinging flags literally! Hitting the flag on both the 9th and the 12th!
Lard remarked on the back nine (during his return of just 9 points) that it had been some time since he had used his putter………..in fact six holes, which equated to one and half hours! Dill responded by asking which of the right hand bunkers he was in…………..of course all those people who play golf with Dill know he was actually in the left hand bunker. He splashed out into the rough and retrieved his putter from his bag………only for Lard to advise again “Dill………where do you think you are – before of course putting him right and suggesting a wedge”
Dogleg was busy having a nightmare – scoring only 5 points in the last 7 holes – but despite this he would finish second on the day – he would stay true to form and blob the 18th as would many players – probably put off by the 150 yard carry over water from the tee. First up Baz went for the par-5 in two shots and finished in the front bunker (many attempts later a six foot putt was made to save a single point). Peng had a similar experience as he went from bunker, to bunker, to bunker…….to a thin that finished 50 yards behind the bunker……….for a blob Jeff tried a different approach – whack the ball at the lake and bounce over………surprisingly it didn’t work!
The day was rounded off with Barth racking up his fourth straight win to seal the OOM title with one event still to go and with Stratts getting seriously tanked on the beer!
Sunday 17th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-2
Pyle & Kenfig GC -
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Now that’s what I call wind - and I don’t mean Jeff!
Day two began with a search for the golf course – Ian having previously asked to follow Baz and Peng soon found
himself as the lead car after Baz went the wrong way down a one way street directly outside the plod shop! Baz soon recovered the role of lead car on the motorway, having decided to overtake Ian and get out of the way of the National Express coach that was weaving across two lanes just for fun (hopefully this wont be the guy driving Dill home on Monday……..although with a driving style like that Dill should be feeling well at home! The final part of the trip to find the golf club resulted in a slow meander down a country lane just big enough for a car……….but with puddles almost too deep for Ian’s sporty number!
Lard and Jeff’s journey in the car was enhanced by a good chortle on the radio care of Talk Sport where a bloke wrote in to say when in a pub recently about to settle in to watch footie on
On to the course the conditions were going to be difficult as we began in a strong wind (that would get even stronger!) and rain – this seemed to have little impact on jeff who rolled in a 45ft birdie putt on the first……this was of course accompanied by Jeff’s traditional grunt of joy! Baz meanwhile decided he would have a quick waz before battle only to realise he would be standing in the bushes with waterproof strides around his ankles and his backside facing the road………
All in all the front nine was not to bad and many players had a respectable return of points – however no one would score or play as well as Stratts, who declared on the 9th he would chip in and go out in +2…………a feat he would indeed achieve. Hughes major also posted a tally of sixteen points (obviously inspiring himself with the Joy Grunt”)……….alas all would change on the back nine though when the wind began to blow and the blobs began to appear.
Having had a long day already by the 10th tee Lee wandered aimlessly back towards the first tee (probably realising he couldn’t do any worse if he played the holes again) however Lard took sympathy on him and advised he may want to cross the road and tee off from the correct place, although 1 point in ten holes around the turn suggested he would have been better off going to the bar! In fairness most players struggled on the back nine with the wind really getting up – only Simon (13), Barth (14) and Andre (an amazing 16 points) managed to post double figure tallies.
The 11th hole was a long dogleg par 5 – however visible off the tee about 100 yards away was a practise green – Jeff and Stratts hatched a plan to trick Peng and Ian into thinking this was in fact the green the guys should be playing to……………however as the guys were playing a matchplay plate semi-final they decide it would not be appropriate………however to much amusement Ian would find himself on the said practise green after two shots! Peng would finally go on to win the matchplay game on the final hole and progress to the plate final!
On the 17th tee, Baz still chewing on a wasp (having lost balls on the previous two holes having hit his ball down the middle of the fairway) was given a little shove by Lard as put his ball on the tee…….resulting in a slight over balance………..Baz tried to return the compliment however Lard was too quick and managed to dodge the shove, resulting in a further over balancing………….i’m not sure what is worse, falling over twice or being too slow to catch Lard!.........still there was one final twist having reset himself Baz then found his ball knocked off the tee by Lard and his 5-wood…….it would have been funny but for the realisation by Lard that the ball travelled further and straighter than any of his tee shots from the previous day.
And so to the bar where the wind and rain had obviously taken its toll as the boys hit the beer and food and a spot of open golf…….where all people that could listen would hear Barth rattling on about Darren Clarke and Irish major champions (steady on Barth he wasn’t over the line yet……..anyone would think it was tales from Wootton Bassett…….)
After troughing the grub the boy’s departed for the hotel to get ready for the chairman’s quiz (always a feisty affair) – Lee having agreed to follow Jeff back to the hotel had a tailgating moment………..made worse by Jeff tailgating the car in front – with all cars pulling out in front of the oncoming traffic……..
After a spot of grub, well quite a lot of grub by the time we had devoured the assorted garlic bread, starters and mains we headed back to the hotel for the chairman’s quiz…….(rumour has it even Peng had had enough to eat………..but it is of course just a rumour). The quiz was the usual rowdy affair with the Hughes boys on opposing sides, but would eventually be won by team Essex- after a ridiculous answer by Barth………still some consolation for Team Essex who were having a tough time in the team event!.
The final act of the evening is best described by the words of the chair himself who had the misfortune of sharing with Hughes major………….Later that evening, as they say, Lard akip in pit is woken up by Hughes Major staggering in around half three. Soon both are spark out. Lard then woken by a snoring Hughes puts plan B into operation with the trusty ear plugs packed for the contingency. Only to be woken again sometime still later by a noise that goes beyond 'snoring' being as it was loud and rasping past inserted defences. I rolled over only to see a ghostly cadaver of a body, tackle out, sheets kicked off – An image you need not dwell on. It took a couple of thumps on the arm and a threat of further violence but some form of peace was restored. Well only if you discount the continuing ooze and noisome seepage that is Jeff's digestive tract
Monday 18th July – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-3
Pennard Golf Club -
(Report by Dave Abbott)
Taff Nav………there’s lovely!
On to Round 3. Me in navigation mode asks Jeff for the paperwork with the little map, his reply along the lines of I threw it in the bin as we left the room – good start. Out of car park with Lee following we end up doing a U turn where it clearly says no U turns right in front of the Cop Shop with Jeff oozing booze from all his pores!
Into the club house eager for a cup of coffee. Young Dogleg found rattling the cups. I watched as the combination of cup, saucer, spoon, sugar, cup placement, coins and pressing button was just too much and Dogleg goes into melt down. Finally he positions a cup but instead of pressing the button to get coffee he presses the sign on the machine saying coffee. I laugh heartily at him for doing so then fess up to watching Dilly do the same thing on the practise day. Only for me to point out the error of his ways but then just minutes later and unbeknownst to all I did it myself!
Then recounting the story that highlights Jeff's twat nav shortcomings Ian chimes in with one of the lines of the weekend with "Must be a Taf Nav". I suggested that when it reaches the destination it says "There's lovely".
So to the first group, where Jeff joined the numpties. Swish, biff by Hughes and then almost as some kind of celebration the sprinklers go off either side of him. Actually would not have mattered much if he had got wet as everyone pretty much did by the end of the round.
The course was undulating to say the least with many blind holes. At one point Jeff asked me to spot for him on the ridge. I duly take up a position pointing down to the left of me as I face Jeff and get ready to see where the ball ends up. (I failed to do this towards the end of day 2 for Hughes B!). Jeff sets and biffs. The ball comes at me head height like an Exocet but having got an early bead on it I sway out of the way watching the logo go by and hearing the water droplets coming off the back. A true Matrix moment! Later Lee joins in and fires one directly at my arse which was avoided with a 'reverse sway', Matrix moment 2 (the return). I am thankful there was not another one as a third time had pain written all over it.
Between holes (and a couple of times it wasn't always easy to see just where next tee was) Lee tackles the Stableford points system. I explain, then Lee asks Jeff what his handicap is on the card. "So" he says with purposeful deliberation "I get 2 shots on holes 1-10", "Yes" says Jeff with Si in mind thinking this is hard work. "Then" Lee goes on with a knowing wink to me "Is it always holes 1-10?" Jeff turns with an amount of irritation with a long sigh and was about to launch into a bit of a tirade when he sees the pair of us just looking at him! "Bastards!" as he realises.
After a couple of very wayward duffs Lard pointed out to Lee that he is lifting off the ground as he swings the club (I know I as doing the same in round 1). Lee then tries to concentrate on not doing this but there were times when that was forgotten and all he needed to complete the image was a pink tutu as he tippy toed his way around the course.
The Castle hole was interesting as we had green keepers working on the fairway but we should have guessed they
were pretty safe, well at least from the tee. However I gave them a bit of a run for their money. My 2nd lay a few yards back from the ruins of a wall/building. The green keepers took shelter behind the wall but one opened the door of one of the wagons parked on the fairway to the side and looked at me through the window. I gave him due warning that I might not get the ball up & down! The shot fizzed over the back of the vehicle just above the frame of the open door behind which a rather ashen face figure ducked. The blokes behind the wall reappeared laughing at their colleague and said "Well you are a man of his word that's for sure".
The electric wires around the greens made it hard work with a trolley. The early holes seemed to be simply fenced around the green which was fair enough but later they extended around an ever increasing area taking in bunkers and all sorts. I seemed to spend an inordinate amount of time walking around (no change there I hear people saying). Having dodged them over and back Lee finally manages to wrap his club about three times in the wire. Jeff takes the pee as Lee gingerly extradites his club and whilst still laughing steps over the wire only to catch his entire bag of clubs in the same wire, well at least Lee only got one caught up.
Come the 15th and nearest the pin, Jeff missed left then over pitched into a steep slope at the back of the green and waits in vain expecting the ball to roll back on to the green but thick wet grass thwarts him. His only option; a 'back to flag' tap between the legs. Not sure it is in the book but it proved quite effective.
Onto the 16th and the longest drive (Lard takes the spoils – sorry couldn't resist). Both Lee and Jeff just off the green needing to chip in for a point. Jeff stiffs it to a couple of inches and a collective ooh! Lee moves the ball an inch with a duff followed swiftly by swish miss, swish thrash at nettles, swish more nettles, gorse and rabbit poo, then swish – connects - hits nettle stump, rebounds hits club and ends up going backwards for er no point. Mind you same score as Jeff!
Wandered off at the end and walked through Pro shop heading for the showers wearing layers of soggy clothing, waterproofs and wet woolly hat. "Beautiful course isn't it?" remarks man behind the till. "Yes" I reply "I'd love to play it in the summer!"
Up at the front it was all a bit of a cake walk for Barth who was moving serenely on to a mammoth 21 point win – his only concern came after he declared his intention to get the best score on each day as well………….Baz and Dogleg exchanged knowing glances and began the job of hunting him down – all was looking good until a birdie/par finish by Barth secured the round of the day again. In their pursuit of Barth, Baz and Dogleg had a ding dong battle for second place – finishing with Dogleg making a 3 foot putt on the last green to secure second place on Countback.
4th place went to Stratts who spent much of the back nine, hitting a tee shot and then sitting down to have cigarette as he waited for the rest of the group to play the hole out – although he did somehow manage to par the hardest holes? Andre capped a great weekend by taking another 4 points out of Jeff and therefore securing 5th place on Countback – as well as winning the Matchplay plate Final against Peng 6&5.
Si and Ian had the same tally on the final day, with Si therefore hanging on to 7th by a single point and Lard continued his great recovery to take 9th place. Dill decided he would get the bus home rather than play golf in the rain all day……….. that allowed Lee to equal his best ever finish of 11th place…………but the good news this time there were more than 11 players.
Finally in a season of winning Barth captained team Wiltshire to a victory and a 4-3 lead in the series…..with a rare team event loss to Si.
Saturday 10th September 2011 – Chairman’s Day
(Report by Dave Abbott)
Bloddie gets over the line
And nigh on a full house it was plus a welcome to Sean, who came to see what his old man gets up to on these days out and meet the gang hence probably now needs counselling, especially having been sent out with Jeff.
Despite a weather outlook of unpredictable once again Chairman’s Day was a fine day. Being a revised date meant we were without the usual rock music (in the loosest terms) blaring out around the hills and valleys. The course was a little hairy but so was Bazza – get it cut! Jeff reckoned the greens were hairier than Deano and Lard’s backs, nice image for all.
An early get together time for a committee meeting where the committee worked its way through some items with England struggling to get passed the Puma’s as a back drop, prompted a brief discussion at my house with Jeff whether to get some brekkie before going to the course. Remembering that last time Jeff and I tried that Jeff was sick in the tree outside c/o previous caught lurgie (see last year report) we thought best at course. Only then to discover café was shut. We scrounged a cup o’tea and what might have been the last of the rolls from behind the bar. Others had brekkie en route but not so Deano and Peng. Deano made the mistake of shaking my hand holding his breakfast crisps hence crumbs sorry Deano some things have to be done, whilst there were serious concerns that Peng would last the day without collapsing as running on empty. Those who successfully breakfasted en route reported excellent tucker whilst watching the Rugga. This news only pained Peng more I think. Jeff later commented on Ian’s late arrival (two mins before first swish in the last group) ‘either he has a gorgeous girlfriend or can’t tell the time or he is just a thick Welshman (or maybe all three)’. I’ll leave Ian to retort to that in his own time.
Simon teased me with a buggy share only then to take it away due to a groupings change and only then to rub it in my face as his new friend Bloddie and he joined me in a revised three ball. There was only one option left open and this was reinforced by Deano at the 1st. Not wanting to appear too obvious I waited until the 13th to act out my revenge. A slip of a strap or two and heading up the hill the buggy came to a halt as clubs, bags etc crashed spectacularly off the back to roll back down the hill! Ha! Simon then decides to ‘pretend’ to run over my ball sitting just short of the green (for 2 I might add). Sadly his driving skills were something to behold as he clipped my ball which bounced around under the buggy like a wasp in a bottle and pinged out, unnoticed by me for a couple of shots, in a worse for wear state being cracked and buggered. I made a 7 with Simon feeling sheepish as a result but I’m not bittergggrrrrrrrrrrr. Earlier that hole Simon pulled away from the tee and his monkey driver cover fell off the back unnoticed. I came behind (ooer) and gave it a goodly punt back at the moving buggy. Simon duly thanked me for spanking his monkey!
The money shots were all par 3 np’s this time round and Lard on the second thinks he stands a chance of pocketing the dosh but whilst standing on the 3rd tee watched as Baz thumped one in at first outside the line but a cheeky bit of backspin gave him the couple of inches needed to take the winnings – Bah! Jeff apparently did the reverse and played himself out of the money as a result.
Bloddie was setting a good pace but news from behind suggested that Baz, long hair flowing in the breeze, was also on a charge with 10 points in three holes and a putt for birdie on the 4th. However a four putt later followed by several three putt holes put paid to that – must have been his locks hanging in his eyes on the greens. All in the group suffered with short putts in the fluff.
Come the 6th and Simon, mid smoke, tries several times to rest his burning fag on the top of the 45 degree cut edge of the yellow tee marker! Yes that’s right it didn’t resist the pull of gravity nor could we see how he thought it was ever going to. After having all played we trundled down to our balls. A figure suddenly appeared from the right. It was the guy who had been holding us up for most of the round presumably playing his errant tee shot back into play – caught us a bit by surprise. Bloddie said it should be noted that we have been held up by a one ball. Personally I thought that sounded a bit painful. To be fair we all got round in pretty good time for once – well done.
At the 8th I got out the big dog and slammed my driver into the dirt so hard it is still sending down seismic shock waves into the
Despite the fluffy greens myself and Simon very soon found that putting from yards was so much easier than from inches. Some lengthy putts were put to within a whisker by both of us but the mere thought of dropping in from close range was apparently abhorrent. Worth adding here that the par 3’s saw some sterling efforts. Simon on the 7th from off the green deep fluff by bunker dinked to within inches. I did the same on the 15th whilst Bloddie sunk two long putts for two 2’s on 7 & 10. He also nearly dropped a monster on the 17th to save par.
To the 9th where Sean finally fell foul of a pre-warning of cock out if tee shot not passed the ladies tee. However he ‘held his own’ and refused to take his medicine.
Dills having gone out poorly came back with a rousing back nine not missing a fairway. Baz reckons not bad for a blind bloke. I reckon he must have one good eye facing the right way on the way back. Perhaps we should have allowed Dills to play the back nine twice. Peng also started poorly and having only managed a point a hole up to the food shack stormed home with a further 20 points – I can only think that the already low tank had been topped up with calories as only Peng can. Although he apparently took the 11th by surprise by smashing his tee shot left and backwards over the 10th green!
Deano & jeff were playing their matchplay SF and it was apparent to all that Deano and Hughes J were having a ding dong match when they marched back round to the first to carry on. This was in part as a result of Jeff smashing his reloaded 16th tee shot to within inches to save par and hole. But it was Deano that ultimately brought home the bacon which I am sure Peng would have preferred to have been available some hours earlier.
Those gallant possibly magnificent seven that stayed for grub I think were satisfied with the fare. I certainly stuffed me chops. Peng didn’t come up for air for about twenty solid minutes. All done whilst watching Manure thump Notlob.
My thanks to Messrs Bloddie and Wray for a good hoot going round with the usual Thunderbirds, Stingray, Life Of Brian references en route. My thanks in particular to Simon for being my Chairman’s Plate oppo which I won three up and to Bloddie for his very magnanimous charity gesture – see Charity summary.
Winners and runners up announced for the season I’ll leave to Statto suffice to say Dogleg got the box this time and wanted the wine carrier to boot. On the day it was a well done to Bloddie.
Charity Summary - collected to date (pre 2011) £914
The Harry Potter Bus Stop where Andre was happy to have taken Hermione, was drawn out as D3 by one of the waiters which meant Jeff got the free two ball voucher and the letter draw from the envelope winner was Bloddie who rather spookily drew E which equated to winning points of 36 which he duly achieved for himself for which he got a sleeve of Titleist balls.
This total includes an additional amount from Chris who made it clear earlier in the day that whatever we might be shy of the £1000 mark by at the end of the day he would make it up! I was extremely touched by this, my thanks to Chris for this gesture and to everyone for their continued support.
We are considering some changes in future eg the winner of the Chairman’s Plate nominating the chosen Charity and we may collect monies slightly differently – watch this space.
Thanks again to everyone!
I would just like to thank each and every one of you for your efforts over the years. Support of Macmillans is something quite personal to me and I know also to others in the society. My experience of them leaves me with nothing but praise for the organisation so it has been nice to be able to give a little something back - I am sure it all helps.
With this years donation we passed the £1000 total with £1010 (I think it was). I asked for a confirmation from Macmillan so that we could put it in the year book and in fact with the Gift Aid that I signed we have actually raised £1224.75!
As you know we are planning some changes from the 2012 season onwards that is likely to mean we donate to different charities over the coming years so I would like to take this opportunity sort of on behalf of Macmillans to say a big thanks.
A word from you new Captain …….its Peng
There's a new sheriff in town...and there's going to be a couple of big changes.
Now to address the issue of slow play I have devised a visualisation technique which may improve things...
Imagine the green is a big pizza, you are hungry!!
the group chasing your tail have a putter and a knife and fork in hand...
and want to get the the green/pizza before you.
It is not in your interest to let this happen...
so just move your f*****g ar$e and get there quick.
Thanks to Barth for his services to our society and his years of lifting every trophy excluding the wooden spoon……….
Barth passes to baton to me where I will not be lifting any trophy excluding the wooden spoon!!
I look forward to another year of great golf, stupid golf, banter, pencil licking stats, scantilly clad t!tty on the weekends away.