The Chairman Speaks
We are space beings from the Planet Zilch! You may have seen us doing cameo appearances on the Simpson’s –er just a little financial distraction to fund our evil empire. And we have come to tell you that we kidnapped your Chairman sometime ago and replaced him with one of our own.
It was part of our evil plan to bring down the so called sport you pathetic earthlings call golf from within but our plan failed. No one noticed his attempts to throw the game into chaos despite however outrageous those attempts were. I mean who would recognise any more chaos in amongst your so called Society Days?
In fact no one even noticed he had been replaced.
Meanwhile your Chairman, having been expertly probed, has singularly managed to completely disrupt our civilisation not least with his endless recounting of old sketches we have picked up from your radio and tv signals from many tachs ago and his stories of a planet called Rarg suggesting he has been abducted before. I pity those poor Rargians.
Well we are sick of him and so you can have him back. We have recalled our mighty battle fleet and returned to our own dimension having first wiped his mind, not that that took long, so he will have no recollection of the 2010 season*.
We shall return puny earthlings. Our next target will be Mayor of London and we are going to replace him with one of our own sub-alien species – ha! We shall yet bring you all down by putting a loon in control.
Ha, Ha, Ha etc (fades to edge of multi-verse and in fact reason)
*Fortunately Statto the Brave was on hand to restore at least some of his mind via the power of the end of year tome. I suggest you all take good care of this work you never know when you might be abducted, probed and wiped (again).
Sunday 07th March 2010 - Winter Cup Round 1
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Dill makes the longest drive……………
The season kicked off on a bright sunny morning and a decent crack at a full English breakfast. On paper it looked like a tough competition with many of the lower handicap players present. However the harmony of breakfast was interrupted by the realisation that Dill had lost his wallet. After the initial panic it became clear the wallet was not lost but safe and sound at Baz’s house………..in Ludgershall (approximately 90 miles away…….).
Despite the reassurances and suggestions by the rest of the players that we could work out how to get the wallet after the round it played on Dill’s mind and even though he would go out to bat there was already some doubt as to how long he would last.
The pairings were drawn and Bloddie, Baz and Dogleg headed to the first tee to play into a strong wind. Baz would make the best start, although a three putt on the green would prove to be the sign of things to come………..perhaps falling arse over tit on the second tee didn’t help! In the second group Jeff, Deano, Dill and Barth all struggled early on with no one posting a score on more than one of the first three holes.
Whilst the rest of the field was struggling Baz started to play some good golf and made a 30 yard
yard monster putt on the 5th for a birdie two, Bloddie responded with his own monster for an unlikely par – this would kick start his round and see him start to make par’s for fun, and a birdie of his own on the 9th. Baz and Bloddie would both make the turn in 18 points, with Dogleg four further back. In the second group only Dean managed to get near Bloddie with 13 points (whilst Jeff, Barth and Dill would all post single figure scores).
Dill in fact would only last one more hole before deciding he needed to drive back to Ludgershall and recover his wallet, this would be the last we saw of him on the day, as instead of coming back to the golf club Dill drove on to his house (taking his mileage for the day to over 300, ode for 300 yards off the tee!!)
On the back nine, Baz started back with three blobs on the spin (ouch!) and would not recover collapsing to a poor return of only 6 points!! Bloddie however was in a class of his own and 16 points back would leave him with a healthy 5 point lead over Dogleg and Deano – who both rallied well on the back nine. Jeff and Barth continued to struggle and both finished the evening 15 points behind Bloddie!
On completion of the round the real adventures began…………….first we needed to get to our accommodation so we all set off for the hotel……….to be advised that we would be staying just down the road in the cottage, this would turn out to be a cracking little venue – loads of space for all the boys and very nice accommodation.
The next job was alcohol so after a hasty collection of money Jeff and Barth set off for the purchase of the evening’s beverages and then back to the hotel for dinner, only to be advised we had to return to the golf club……………a bit inconvenient but off we set.
On arrival at the club we began to realise Dill would not be returning……..(until this point we did believe he would come back for dinner…………..) but we ordered for him – just in case he arrived. This was a great idea enabling us to try the entire starter menu!
When we moved on to ordering the main meal the waitress was getting a bit suspicious about “our friend who was late but on his way” but she did let us order an extra meal, again this was devoured by the gang and by the time we got to dessert she had accepted no one was coming but just let us order the food anyway!
After dinner it was back to the cottage for beer, wine, whiskey and spoof! - for some reason Baz decided he would have a sip of his whiskey before having to down his drink in one……………….(derrrr!). Jeff moved onto whiskey a bit quicker than planned after he tested his red wine for bounce-ability on the carpet…… and probably best not to mention Jeff’s use of the vase on the mantelpiece……………….. (hopefully he emptied this before we left, he did claim this act was homage to
Monday 08th March 2010 - Winter Cup Round 2
(Report by Barry Hughes)
It’s De-ja-Vu at Mannings Heath!
The day began a little bit rushed when after a late night……….and bit of a lay in we realised we had to get the key back to the hotel. So everyone got sorted ASAP and then we departed to leave Jeff (still in bed) with the key dropping off job! Most of us found this highly amusing – except of course Jeff who had a major strop – this of course made it even funnier!!!
Another great breakfast at the golf club – at this point there was still no sign of Dill – so we ate his breakfast as well! Then just as we were preparing to get our sticks out and go to battle Dill arrived……………………(unexpectedly after his no show the night before)
So we made our way to the first tee………..only to be advised that a ladies match was going on with a split tee start…………as such we were going to be out there for a while – the pairings were draw based on the reverse order – so first out were Jeff, Barth and Dill.
. Jeff and Barth crashed good drives down the middle (a sign that they would not play so poorly again – this would prove to be the case!) however Dill stepped up and everyone waited to see what would happen………….after a few moments to set up Dill took a swoosh at the ball and swatted it straight right into the cack 20 yards in front of him. After a moment to ponder – Dill promptly shook everyone’s hand, wished us well and decided to go home…………..
Baz was therefore bumped down into the group with Jeff and Barth and joined the boys down the middle of the cut stuff. With Baz just still in with a chance of winning and having hit his drive to the edge of the green (on a Par 4) he then decided to go all out for the eagle that would get him off to the best start – but two thinned chips and three putts would result in a blob, a fate shared by Jeff and Barth – thankfully things would get better after this!
Behind us Deano, Bloddie and Dogleg also got settled and started there competition for the winter cup – with the winner likely to come from that group. A solid Par for Bloddie was bettered by Deano who made the best start possible with a birdie three.
Play continued at a steady pace with Jeff, Baz and Barth all hitting the ball well off the tee but struggling to score the big points until they got to the 5th hole………where they found five groups waiting to play!!!! By this stage Deano was under course par and had all but wiped out Chris’s overnight lead.
The 5th hole was a short Par-3 with a postage stamp sized green – Baz pondered for some time on the best way to play this before choosing 9 iron – way left into the trees………..the second time he decided a wedge way left into the trees……..on arrival at the green the first ball was only 6ft from the hole after a great ricochet back into play!! Deano obviously watched and learnt from this as a few minutes later he was to play the same way.
By the turn a good competition was now going on – for the main prize Deano held a one point lead over Bloddie, with Dogleg a further 3 points back. Whereas Jeff, Baz and Barth where all very close together with Jeff playing his best golf for some time.
On the back nine Barth decided to show the rest of the group what he is capable of banking 18 points in the last seven holes. This charge would see three birdies and allow him to take 4th place overall.
The battle for the lead would see Deano make two significant surges, the first came around the turn where he banked seven points in three holes, he then managed twelve points in the last five holes to really seal the victory and win the Winter Cup.
Congratulations to Deano who has now won the Winter Cup for the third consecutive year, as with last year Deano had to make up a four+ point overnight deficit.
Commiserations to Bloddie who is still hunting his first Major win (having now been runner up six times across all the competitions).
Saturday 1st May 2010 –
(Report by Barry Hughes)
‘Slick Bazzer’ wins as Steve goes to the party!
The first OOM event of the season returned to Silvermere – now firmly entrenched in the Cross Counties calendar. The weather was a bit iffy (surprisingly for the opening day) and traffic was a bit of an issue but everyone made the clubhouse safely on time.
As always the pairings were made and the Captain got to hit the first shot of the year. Just to be different Jeff decided to use a putter for this ceremonious act, a sixty yard twat should not have been a benchmark however ten minutes and five shots later Lard had still not passed Jeff’s ball…………he would thus start with blob.
On the 3rd hole Si decided a new tactic and would be seen crashing his ball way right – hitting his ball down to where all the driving range balls gather…………he would therefore find about 100 balls……….but not his own! Having reloaded he would do the same trick with his approach into the third and fourth greens – it would be a slow start for ‘Si’.
With a slightly drizzly day Baz had begun in his wet gear – but with the sun trying to break through on the 4th he made the decision to move to a dry set up – this trick would be played out a few times in the day! Despite this Baz had a great start mainly due to his putting – he one putted four of the first five holes getting up and down from all sorts of positions.
On the 6th tee Baz had a pressure moment – a hole he always dicks up the plan was simple – just hit a five iron down the middle – after much deliberation a perfect strike saw the ball straight down the middle, until it hit the telephone cable across the fairway……..a free reload resulted in a hook straight into the trees…..as per usual!
On the 9th hole Simon and Jeff were having a discussion about evolution…….(why?) when they heard a woodpecker start to bash holes in the trees. Lard then began to sing the woodpecker song……………
Walking through the woods one day Beneath the midday sun
I was feeling bright and gay And thought I’d have some fun
I put my finger in a woodpecker’s hole
The woodpecker said Cor, bless my soul, take it out, take it out Take it out, remove it
I took my finger from a woodpecker’s hole
The woodpecker said, cor, bless my soul Put it back, put it back Put it back, replace it
I put my finger in a woodpecker’s hole
The woodpecker said, cor, bless my soul Turn it round, turn it round Turn it round, revolve it
I put my finger in a woodpecker’s hole
The woodpecker said, cor, bless my soul That’s ya lot, that’s ya lot That’s ya lot, you’ve ‘ad it
This song obviously had a strange effect on both Lard and Si as on the next hole they both crashed their tee shots into the trees (a gift to the woodpeckers?........)- only for both balls to fly out……………….and then drop into the ditch.
Andre was having a good day (and a very accurate day) having hit the hole five times in the first twelve holes he was quietly collecting points – Deano by contrast was having a rare off day – seeming playing shots all day whilst resting against trees, but as usual he was still doing enough to remain competitive. Dill was also hitting his ball into the trees, but not remaining competitive – carding seven blobs on the back nine.
The last two holes at Silvermere always provide drama and this year was no exception – first Deano had his 9-Iron returned (having left it out on the course) just in time for his tee shot into the Par-3 – alas he would plug in the bunker – a feat copied by Andre. Stratts elected instead to hit his ball close and thus win nearest Pin. On the walk between the 17th and 18th Si dropped his ball and then elected to kick it to the tee – having given it a bit of a whack he ran after the ball – almost tripping arse over tit on a small tree stump!
The 18th saw the Cross Counties try to return a record number of balls back to nature! In all more than ten balls where put in the drink – Dill excelled hitting four balls in the water, while Si hit two balls in the water – the second of which was in the middle of the lake………….not in front of the green but to the right of the green!
Baz also put a ball in the drink to record his only blob of the day, but would still finish off with a comfortable victory, whilst Deano would finish outside the top-3 for the first time in twelve events.
Baz would also add to his winnings by claiming the
The final job of the day was drawing the Matchplay and to Jeff’s delight he missed all the big guns in the draw………….or at least he thought he had – as it became clear Dogleg and Peng had been missed from the draw………….so a re-draw was made and this time round Jeff got paired with Deano (again!!)
Stratts was not able to stay around for the Matchplay draw he had to leave earlier to attend Jeff’s daughter’s birthday party…………..which Jeff of course had not been invited to
Saturday 26th June 2010 – Berkshire Stableford
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Barth has loads in reserve!
The day started badly for many……………….in the build up to the day Andre scared everyone by announcing that England were likely to be playing in the world cup whilst we were on the course………..this was flawed in two way (a) England couldn’t be playing whilst on the course due to fixtures……..(b) England are crap!!! and would duly get walloped by
only good part of this hopefully we never have to watch fat Frank in an
Deano’s bad day was caused by an early arrival and then endless hours of putting as he waited for everyone to turn up (when we were all inside drinking tea and coffee (well almost all of us…..). Jeff, Stratts and Dill got caught in the M4 traffic (we should have guessed at this point Dill would suffer early exit syndrome……)
Despite all of these issues thankfully we just about all got to the tee on time and managed to plan it in such a way that most people got time to relax before taking guard.
Barth started the day like he meant business – great tee shot….fantastic approach……..but then FIVE putts….hmmm an interesting way to open up with blob!
Thankfully for Barth this was a one off as he was to putt for birdie on six of the first seven holes………..in fact the only hole he didn’t putt for birdie he almost holed from the sand! (and thus would start to bank many points to eradicate the madness of the first hole)
On the second hole Stratts threw down a marker to the rest of the players by smashing his ball onto the green in two (on a par 5) whilst Si had a lapse in concentration and dropped into Dill mode – promptly walking past his ball (and not just walking past his ball, but 100 yards past his ball………….!). It seemed to be one of those days for Si when on the 6th he found himself behind a tree………..then one shot later found himself even further behind the tree after a backwards special!
The 7th hole was nearest the pin and Jeff took the spoils hitting his approach to four feet……….but not via the conventional method………so was it a glorious 8-iron, hit high and true………..was it a slightly fat iron that he got away with……….actually it was a hoik out to the left and then a crazy bounce straight right – with the ball running down to the pin………..it has to be said Stratts was not at all happy with this.
On to the 8th hole, and again Si was at the forefront of the action…..and again he was mimicking Dill – a bit of a squiffy tee shot saw the ball bobble down the right handside……….having walked past his ball before Si was determined not to do this again so he looked for his ball 30 yards behind where we actually found it – it is rumoured that cries of “Are you dilly, are you Dilly, Are you Dilly in disguise” could be heard across the posh Berkshire countryside
On the 9th hole Deano could be seen from the tee – and Baz remarked “that’s a bad place I don’t fancy his chances from there……………” ten minutes later Baz found himself in the same place with the same shot and was then heard to remark “Yep I was right – this is not a good place to be!”. Barth took the green on from the tee – this proved to be a great decision and another birdie opportunity would follow as Barth continued to play great stuff and bank points for fun!
On the 10th tee – all change as Dill decided his game was not in a good place and just for a change he was going to walk in (post match he would send an email to the guys apologising for this and declaring his intent not to do this again………..although Dogleg was very interested to understand the odds being offered on this……...).
As such Baz and Barth became a 2-ball and then waited on every shot on the back nine………hmmm not sure this was the cleverest of ideas! It certainly impacted Barth’s game as he made a blob, driving behind a tree, hacking out sideways into a ditch, whacking it behind another tree, a few more whacks followed but the net result Blob!
On the 13th Barth lost patience with the group in front and sent down a huge bomb – this did not have the desired effect as the group in front continued to take hours over each and every shot. On the 14th it was Baz’s turn to send down the big bomb – again it did not allow the guys to get through – but the good news for Baz – this was the longest drive hole and he banked his second win of the season in the long drive competition.
In the group behind Jeff continued to have a good day in is quest for a first victory since 2008, but a couple of mistakes would prove to be decisive as he fell away just at the end of the round – by contrast a solid par on the 18th would see Barth home and see him take the lead in the OOM.
Baz would secure 3rd place after a solid finish, taking the position from Stratts on countback, whilst Deano was out of the podium places for the second event on the spin.
Friday 23rd July 2010 – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-1
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Bazzer leads after the Arboreal Challenge!
After a night out Baz, Dog, Jeff and Dill started the day with a full English at the Ludgerhsall cafe………….exactly what was required after the traditional 0430 finish the night BEFORE the weekend begins!………….not to miss out Messers Wray and Clothier joined the merry band (I’m sure just to confuse Zorba who was taking orders…………!!!) finally after swapping many items of their meal the boys were fed and prepared for the journey.
A steady trot to Bournemouth followed and the assumption was all would be on site and present for the captain and team pick……………..well that was the assumption but Lard was AWOL…………….and remained so for quite some time, so a hurried phone call took place to draw lots and pick sides (not wanting to exclude ‘El charimano’). The skips were Baz and Si (strangely a repeat of the 2008 match in Ayr………….where Baz was victorious…….and also the second consecutive return match after Andre and Dog played in 2007 & 2009). After picking the teams it was suspected that team Wilts were favourites after landing Baz, Dog and Stratts and with a 3-2 series lead Team Wilts were looking good to open up a two match lead for the first time…………………but we all know what happens to favourites…………
So pairings were drawn, the sun was out, the course looked tough………..and tight and we were all ready to go……….except Lard (who for some strange reason went North on the M25……………..why???) Baz had a great idea – fired up his Sat Nav and against all odds the lost Lard was directed in just in time…………….and then after all that there was a twenty minute delay on the tee……………(but this would play to Lards strengths as he started what would prove to be a great weekend for the chair!!!)
So after everyone arrived……….and we waited the twenty minutes we begun the Cross Counties Cup 2010. The first hole was a slight worry………..220 yards Par 3 (through a small gap in the trees, with the ladies tee actually behind the mens!!) – well lots of people tried and then tried again with their provisional balls (which for many would become their actual ball in play) but only Dogleg and Baz would prevail hitting the ball on the green. Baz’s approach was particularly memorable after he addressed the ball he noticed Stratt’s buggy parked front left off the green. After much shouting and waving Stratt’s reluctantly moved his buggy and Baz nutted his 2-Iron exactly where the buggy had been to hit his ball ten feet from the hole!!!
On the 4th hole – A hole with a big dogleg left. Lee completely missed this useful information and smashed one of his many drives miles (it has to be said the boy gives the ball a fair whack!!!) straight left………………Lard and Baz looked on open mouthed in astonishment, then met each others gaze and had the same thought…………that’s probably ok………in fact it could be better than ok!!! In fact it was a little unlucky as Lee was green high and a few yards right of the green! After a steady approach Lee would blow big points by duffing two chips before nailing a 20 footer to save a point. On the same hole Si decided he would use his putter to chip the ball……………….this was not a good decision…….his ball went nowhere but a big divot (out of the green was achieved) a sheepish looking Si walked to the next tee commenting “it’s a good job we aren’t here for the weekend……………”
In the final group Baz and Lard were having a great day and Lee was hitting the ball miles (although not always in the right direction…………….in fact not often in the right direction!) on the 8th (Par-3) all three guys stood on the tee trying to establish how far and where to hit it……………………..Lee first – big slice………..bottom of the hill – no shot…………. Lard………..not such a big slice………..bounced to the bottom of the hill – no shot………. then Baz, a bit chunky…………looked as though it was in the cack…. A reload definitely in the cack. As the boys walked on to the green it was clear there was a bit more room than first thought and Baz’s chunky 4-Iron was sitting front edge of the green…………..(lucky bast**d). Lee then played a thinned bullet which hit anything and everything on route and finished green side at the bottom of a puddle (leaky sprinkler……probably the only sprinkler working on a brown and dry course!!) an outrageous result of which Lee would take advantage and save a point. Lard would go one better and save two points after a great recovery kept his great score going.
On the eight hole was long drive and having hit a monster Baz was feeling vey confident……he arrived on the fairway to no obvious markers and smiling to himself put card on the fairway…………then he found a marker (some 50m yards on – how big a drive was that!!! But it had a strange name on the card………..namely Barth (who was at home preparing for the Marlborough club championship…………….it would later transpire that Dogleg was the player to hit the monster and couldn’t be asked to fill in a new marker – lazy bugga!
On the tenth hole the field finally expected a little bit of comfort and ease (after a really tough opening nine holes……………especially for Si who hit every shot right on a right to left course…………hmmmm not really a captains example) however there was too be no respite on the tenth……SI 18….Dogleg hit one of the best tee shots……but then decided to four putt for blob (not a good strategy!!!!) Baz also came a cropper with his first blob, and Lard not to be outdone also recorded zero points!
On the 12th Jeff faced a tricky shot so having swigged from his hip flask left it balanced precariously on Dogleg’s bag…………and obviously it fell in and some minutes later (after Dogleg emptied all his clubs the empty hip flask was rescued……….. actually the Jeff, Si and Dogleg group were to empty four hip flasks on the day……………so given the alcohol intake the scoring would prove to be quite good!)
On the 13th hole Si whacked another ball right and into the trees, as on many occasions he some how found a fortunate bounce back out…………………………only to hit a log and bounce back into the trees………..some may say poetic justice……………..some may say……….unfortunate……………Jeff decided to celebrate (or commiserate) with a drink of water (having finished all the whiskey!!) only for the top of his bottle to come off and drench him in water……………………….
……………………….(perhaps this was a premonition of the traditional victor being covered in champagne………………actually no it was only water!!! And still at that, not even sparkling…….!)..
Onto the 14th and Jeff and Dogleg decided to whack their balls into a fairway bunker. Dogleg was first tom play and far to greedy (trying to steal to much) his ball thudded into the lip and remained in the bunker (Jeff found this very funny but did manage to control himself)………………….Jeff then took aim and also got greedy – hit the same lip but flew the bunker only to find himself in the next bunker…………………Baz meanwhile was busy giving Lee advise on aim off the tee (why exactly???? given his track record!!). Confidently Baz pointed at a bush in the distance and remarked to Lee – this is the line for me as as I hit the ball left and then move it back to the right……Baz then addressed the ball absolutely nutted it straight as a die into the bush some 260 yards away……….Lee questioned the rationale of hitting the ball in a bush and duly smacked it straight down the middle!! Lard meanwhile hit his down the middle, then into greenside bush………only his ball was off the ground and thus a blob followed much to Lards disgust!
On the 15th Baz hit a great tee shot down the middle, followed by a huge carve into the cack! A reload to 20 feet and then he set off to find his first ball…….only to stop when Lee whacked another wayward approach and a declaration that he was now out of golf balls……………….fifteen lost in fifteen holes……………..Baz quickly bunged Lee a few balls (no more than three as anyone losing eighteen balls on a round deserved the ridicule that would follow). On searching for his own ball Baz was stabbed by a branch just above the eye – this was enough encouragement to declare ball one lost and focus on a steady two putt second ball par.
The sixteenth hole proved to be one of those rare golfing moments……….Lard, Lee and Baz all hit great tee shots (Lee was revelling in the responsibility of hitting a borrowed ball!). The guys then all hit excellent approach shots into the green (no one had a putt of more than fifteen feet). All the guys then hit excellent approach putts stone dead……….so all the guys hit the fairway, green and then two putted……..wow all on the same hole is this a Cross counties record?
Lee continued to revel in the responsibility of playing someone else’s ball by smacking a huge tee shot (and I mean HUGE tee shot on the seventeenth tee) he followed this with a duff but then re focussed and whacked his third shot, which hit the pin – with an unfortunate ricochet………………………..a fourth shot also hit the pin (not such an unfortunate ricochet this time as Lee hit a bullet thin……………….) finally holing out for blob……………
So onto the eighteenth and a solid par by Baz would see him into a traditional first round lead (for third year in a row…………….) this time by three points – Lee finally run out of luck and lost his sixteenth ball…………and then seventeenth ball…………Lard finished with a gross score of 103 (only three shots outside his PB on what would prove to be a great weekend away).
In the evening the boys had diner in the restaurant only to be disturbed by an old guy keeling over in the restaurant – after much concern thankfully he would prove to be ok, Dogleg seized the opportunity of mayhem to try and charm the waitress and get a freebie cheese board – alas he failed with the charming but did mange to get a freebie based on the fact that no more hot puds (or cold) were left.
After this the boys descended upon town. The club on the pier was the starting point – initially this was nice and quite……….then it descended into madness and was very busy!!! On the beach directly below a young couple did everything but shag (much to the delight of Dilll and Andre who found themselves transfixed by the live show on offer – when they finished there was a huge round of applause by the entire pub!!!
Baz, Dill and Andre were the lightweights heading back to the hotel at midnight - whilst the normal culprits had the usual late night. Late in the day there was a crazy mad girl dancing with a strange drug intoxicated smile on her face………..dancing up to and scaring most blokes off. Of course this was too tempting for Dogleg who decided to try it on……….he then proceeded to scare off the mad girl!
The final act of the first day (or was that the first act of the second day?) at approximately 03:00am Dogleg, woke up and went looking for the toilet………Unfortunately for him he went the wrong way and soon found himself in the hotel lobby with the bedroom door shut……….and of course he was completely naked! He was however to get very lucky when he came to his senses and proceeded to knock on the bedroom door – hoping Lee would let him back in………………….he got lucky as Lee did indeed let him back in! (the smart money suggests that some people would have left him out there – needing to go to reception and ask for a replacement key!). Although Lee did state if it had happened on day two (after he got to know him better) he would have left him out in the lobby!
Saturday 24th July 2010 – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-2
OOM Round-3 –
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Deano makes it back to the top step!
For the first time in many years the Saturday round of the Cross Counties Cup would also double up as the third round of the Order of Merit (which would therefore allow all players to count their best four scores from five). Of those not on the CCC jolly only Deano would make the journey to compete – which would mean that Barth would be dropping this round…..which was of course a no-show.
This event was played at
Deano and Dogleg started steadily picking up points on the early holes – Dogleg could have opened up with three birdies (if he’d had a little luck and putted a little better). On the 4th hole Jeff, Lard and Si began a conversation about a ball going out of bounds. The premise of the discussion was…….
if a hole had OOB on the left hand side of the fairway
and a golfer hits a slice (ok a big slice……………………………)
and the ball travels around the world………………
and comes to rest just to the left of the marker posts…………..
is the ball OOB………………
The conversation was continued later that day at dinner but despite only Si showing any real interest…….Jeff still decided a ruling was necessary and declared the ball would be OOB!
Anyway back to the action and the 8th hole, which was the longest drive hole – when the final group of Dogleg, Dill, Deano and Baz arrived the long drive marker was still sitting on the tee……….suggesting no one had hit the fairway……….Deano went first and pushed his ball right…………Dogleg went second and hit his ball so far right it almost opened up the OOB conversation again! Dill went next and hit one of his only fairways of the day. Baz went last and finally found a long straight clump to take the prize! This would be the fourth consecutive long drive Baz would win (Order of Merit only) and all three this season – alas this was the highlight of Baz’s day as he was unable to find any form and would drift out of contention for the claret jug!
On the 10th hole a lot of activity – first the good stuff Deano having been a few points down at the turn responded immediately with a solid birdie. Baz having sliced his ball way right strolled out onto the adjacent fairway to retrieve his ball – when he was stopped in his tracks by a golfer coming the other way!!! Obviously put off by Baz’s appearance he addressed his ball, settled down and then with an almighty swoosh delivered a fine air shot……… embarrassed by this he then duffed his next effort – on the floor like a bullet straight into Baz’s ankles……..the ball then ricocheted into a bush…………..he was not a happy boy!
Not to be outdone, on the tee Jeff kicked his ball at Lard and it hit his ankle. Due to the power in Jeffs strike Lard let out a whimper (poof!) and kicked the ball away. Jeff then armed with his driver pretended to hit the ball back, to which Lard challenged “Go on then”. Jeff accepted the invite and used his driver to putt the ball back and as Lard pretended to kick the ball Andre decided to have a swish at the ball with his driver. Swish, Thud as Andre's club sweetly struck the ball and the underside of Lards foot. As expected everyone started pissing themselves laughing. Jeff then realised his ball had flown into the rough and was now lost, making Andre and Lard piss them self again.
On the 12th hole Lee hit two super shots and then a chip on the green left him a chance of making a good score. The ball was within four feet of the hole and his emotions were summed after his stroke with a single word…………Alas it was not “yes” as the ball hit the bottom of the cup but “C**t” as it missed the hole and finished further away! A trick to be repeated on his very next go! Also on the 12th Deano’s group waived the group behind through….(having held them up for several holes) Dill missed this completely and hit his approach towards the green from 120 yards whilst the guys were still putting. Perhaps he really is blind!!!
On the seventeenth hole Stratts (who had spent most of the day moaning about his handicap started to moan about something else – the fact that he had lost his Castle Combe ball marker……….only to be told that he had already marked used it to mark his ball on the green…….Also on the seventeenth Dill continued to have an in different day (not to bad when he left his driver in the bag………but big trouble every time he got it out……………..so why did he keep getting it out!) on the seventeenth Dill’s approach would indirectly lead to confusion and frustration for Deano. Having missed the green left Deano decided he would hit his approach putt down to the hole. As Dean was about to play Baz checked if he wanted Dogleg’s ball marked – to which Dean replied “No, its not in the way” Famous last words…………to his horror he hit Dogleg’s ball and finished ten feet from the hole. Having given up looking for Dill’s ball, Dogleg wandered up to the green and had to be advised his ball would need to be replaced. Deano then holed the ten footer for what he thought was a par………until advised it was a two shot penalty – this really pi**ed him off and he would then do fantastically well to regain his composure to birdie the eighteenth hole (a feat that would see him take the win on countback)
Baz finished his day the way he played most of the round with a thin, smashing his ball through the green, thudding into the protective netting in front of the clubhouse area – where the rest of the boys jeered and laughed at him!!!
After the round the scores were checked (and Stratts moaned about his handicap again) whilst Jeff who again played well, banked his third top three finish of the season and had built a healthy lead up for the final round of the CCC. With only space for three players in the final group on Sunday a coin toss was required to separate Lard and Baz – Baz was fortunate to call correctly and take his place alongside Dogleg and Jeff.
Stratts decided he would require a buggy for the final day – so asked Jeff for the number of the Queens Park
Golf course – on calling the club Stratts was asked to define his food requirements………………he had been given the number for the catering department…… so instead of booking his buggy he asked for his handicap to be changed!! Reluctantly based on his pervious form a few of the player agreed his handicap was too difficult and adjusted up to eight………..Stratts celebrated by eating three puddings at dinner!
Lard returned to his hotel room to find the maid had kindly stood up his suitcase up………alas he had separated dirty clothes and clean clothes, so they were now all mixed together……….
Baz decided the best cure for his rubbish golf was too go for a long run along the sea-side and prepare himself for a session at whiskey club……..these early nights are rubbish for his golf!!!
After dinner we had the annual quiz – with Team Essex and Team Wilts taking each other on in a truly long, close, competitive and confrontational quiz it all came down to the final bonus round. Team Wiltshire held a three point lead going into the final round (much to the disgust of Jeff who was very cross that a point had been awarded to Wiltshire for guessing number of countries to have won the world cup………….in fact only Lard seemed to think Jeff was wrong – which made it even funnier!!!). Anyway after a tense revealing of the answers the final scores were in…………and it was a draw with
After the quiz a small posse of Baz, Jeff, Lee and Dogleg hit town for a few beers and a kebab, before returning to the bar shortly after 02:00 am – where they joined up with a hen party – As the boys finished off the last of the whiskey there was just enough time for Lee to get a put down from the girls before we all headed off to bed.
Sunday 25th July 2010 – Cross Counties Cup – Rnd-3
Queen’s Park - Bournemouth
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Jeff gets over the line emphatically………….to complete the hatrick!
So to the final round of the 2010 Cross Counties Cup. As with last year the final group consisted of Jeff, Baz (by virtue of the toss of a coin) and Dogleg – would the result be the same? (where Jeff caught Dogleg with six holes to play only to fall away to third, or could he hold onto win his first major since 2001, and be the first man to win the Cross Counties Cup three times).
On arrival at the course the guys were all surprised at how quiet the course was……..a nice sunny day in
On the third hole Lard and Stratts decided to ignore the yardage chart and take their own specific lines……..namely (a) Lard whacking it up the right (between the couple of bunker NB – do not go right due to a couple of bunkers…………..) and (b) Stratts whacking it up the left (NB – do not go left and block out the green……………) in fact the trees Stratts sat between provided the perfect line to the flag………………..it would turn out to be a great day for Stratts who seemed to be rejuvenated by the extra two shots returned by the committee on day two.
Stratts would prove to have a very successful day off his new handicap and finish the day getting cut, the secret to his success leaving his Driver alone (Lard was particularly pleased to hear this having made the decision to share a buggy!). So instead of man handling the Lard, Stratts decided instead to give the group
a pre hole commentary – read from the course guide. This would become the group’s preparation mantra. Another pre-shot activity Stratts engaged in was attempting to crown himself by whacking his head on the buggy – the culmination of these whacks led to Lard being abandoned on the course several times in the last few holes as Stratts buggered off without him.
Of the leaders a steady start by all until the fourth hole, when fate stepped in for the first time (and not the last on an interesting day). First Baz managed to blob from nowhere, Dogleg then made a miss judgement in where to drop is ball (and thus had to blob the hole…………harsh but fair…………) and finally Jeff who (a) whacked his drive in the trees (b) took a drop (c) playing four whacked his balls deep in to a bush (c) stiffed his approach from the forest……………………how did he score a point from there!!!! On a slightly lighter note Jeff had released all the straps on the buggy of Lard and Stratts………and on the fouth hole, halfway down the fairway Lard’s clubs fell off to the merriment of all…………On the 5th hole Lard would gain a sort of revenge by picking up Jeff’s clubs and throwing them to the floor…………….sorry Lard funny, but not as funny!
On the sixth hole the boys came to a tough Par 5, 520 yards, however the wind was following and Baz and Dogleg decided the best way to play the hole was smash it! Both cleared the path hitting 390 yard drives………..Jeff hit a slight slice and having looked ok off the tee he was fortunate to find his ball in a very precarious place. He would recover to make Par (as did Dogleg, whilst Baz pulled a point back with a solid birdie).
The Cross Counties Cup would then be decided around the turn, where Dogleg suffered a lot of misfortune, hit a lot of dodgy shots and provided an impossible shot……….first to the tee on the eighth hole the lead was now six points and Dogleg needed to do something special………..first Jeff helped by whacking his ball into a bush……….after lots of trouble on the hole he would later have a twenty five foot putt for a point – which stopped on the edge of the hole………..blob for the leader – so Dogleg had a chance to close the gap. He smashed his second shot over the hill and Baz advised he had seen the ball down and all was ok………..Only when they guys headed over they could not find the ball…………Baz was feeling vey guilty having clearly seen the ball down and Dogleg (chewing a wasp) headed back up the hill to hit his 4th shot……………which went to the same place………… Dogleg then found his original ball (after time was called) and proceeded to blob (and get very cross – had he found his second he had a great chance to halve the lead……….).
Onto the ninth and Dogleg was steaming………….sorry STEAMING – Jeff helped his mood by carving his ball way left (not once but twice…………..) Baz got a very lucky break by hitting left and kicking down towards the pin…………Dogleg followed Jeff (which got him cross again) and a fit of club throwing followed with Dogleg threatening to “do a Dilly and walk in” – he was a seriously grumpy dude!!!! This would get worse when Jeff somehow found his first ball and saved a point whilst he blobbed…………and extended the lead.
On to the tenth and all three players hit solid tee shots but Dogleg (still STEAMING)………… chased his approach and whacked it OOB……………or so we thought…….however on inspection the ball was in play….but behind a fence – Dog had no shot unless he could go over the fence and then stop it dead. Alas he thinned it but fate smiled on Dog and the ball managed to find the perfect pace and line to go through the fence (those playing with him would ask how???) despite only saving a point this would bring a smile back to Dogleg’s face and he would stop glaring at Baz…………..for a while anyway.
On the 14th hole Si and Lee had their golf balls stolen by a dog! Whilst the owner was running around embarrassed by this she used the only thing she could find to mark the position of the balls – namely her keys and a bag full of dog pooh! Si reaction to this was to leave his club behind and then demonstrate his lack of bartering skills………Stratts opened up the negotiation by requesting forty pine
cones for the return of the club, (which pine cones being the local currency on course) to which Lard immediately raised to fifty pine cones………..Si’s response was sixty pine cones……….hmmm probably best not to take him shopping for a souk!
In fact Si would spend most of the day driving his buggy around like a poorly loaded skip lorry – not content with leaving his seven iron out on the course he also dropped Lee’s clubs, Dill’s cigarettes and left another of his clubs out on the course!
By this stage Dogleg had calmed down – especially given Jeff’s calm stride towards victory. A run of pars in the middle of the back nine put the result beyond doubt and Jeff’s had his third Cross Counties Cup won by the fifteenth hole! Dogleg’s new ‘brighter’ mood also saw the funny side of the yardage chart suggestion of “Don’t cut the Dogleg” (in fact he was offended that anyone would even consider doing such a thing!) Onto the sixteenth hole a driveable Par-4, but not for Andre – his tee shot only managed to go five yards………however a 100% improvement on his second shot saw him playing his third at least fifteen yards from the tee!!!
The eighteenth hole and the final acts of the weekend – Baz, Jeff and Dogleg all hit monster bombs down the middle but no one could deprive Lee of the spoils of (it was good to see him hit one fairway before the weekend was complete). Baz then made a fifteen foot putt on the final green to avoid three putting all weekend. And finally Team
Sunday 2nd October 2010 – Captain’s Day Stableford
(Report by Jeff Hughes)
Janet wins the OOM on Countback!
Well it was the Ryder cup weekend and what more fitting a venue could we play than Samual Ryders home course, Verulam in
As tradition dictates we all met up in the club house for a bit of scoff, but this time with two additional activities to partake in. The first being able to watch the Ryder Cup on the TV and the second, which to be honest was solely a Hughes brother activity, swiping golf balls from a vase. I think it is only fitting to set the scene for those who were unable to make it on the day and experience this devious act first hand. In the club house there was a vase of "unused" golf balls of all brands. Well Bazzer had observed these and let his "arold ill" roots show as he started to pilfer the said balls. Being the captain and also dragged up in "arold ill" Hughes major felt it was only fair to fully indulge in the fine hospitality of the club and also "tea leafed" a ball or two. Well as the members warmed to our little group and began more chatty they told us about the traditional club Ryder cup match currently out on the course where all the participating players deposited one of their balls in the vase, which sits on the captains table. Imagine the scene Bazzer scurrying off to quickly retrieve the hot balls from his bag and with the help of Peng who tried to block the view of the members both Baz and Hughes Major duly returned the balls to the vase.
Anyway on with the events on the golf course, as anyone of three golfers where in with a chance of winning the OOM, Hughes Major, Bazzer and
The first group out was Hughes Major, Dog Leg, Andre and “Si” accompanied by Stratt’s strolling the course as yet again his back had gone. The tension was definitely showing in Hughes Majors game as he struggled off the tee in the early holes but no one was struggling more than Dog Leg on the greens as he lagged two foot putts all day long.
The second group of Barth, Bazzer, Peng and Dilly had the opportunity of watching Peng also show that he has the gift to be a Tea leaf as on the 3rd hole with a 140 yards approach to the green with the fairway slopping down hill, he takes out his rescue club and whacks it clean OOB on the fly. As he had a clear idea what garden it went into he decided to go through the gate into the garden to retrieve his ball
(Methinks he was looking for more of the vases with golf balls for Bazzer).
Obviously the excitement of hitting his rescue club so well and the adrenalin of trespassing really got to Peng as on the following tee he proceeded to tee up in front of the markers. The nice group he was in felt that he has had enough golden golf ball nominations so politely informed him of his error. However one almighty swish later saw him launch the ball a full 5 yards into the cack.
The 5th did seem to be an eventful hole with Baz showing great awareness in finding a hole on the fairway and duly falling over. The Barth however makes a second ball par to save an unlikely point and Andre hits his ball 90 degrees sideways into a bush when it really was easier to hit the green.
Up in the front group Stratts had decided that strolling the golf course using Hughes major's pitching wood as a walking stick and finding an abundance of golf balls was a little boring so decided on the 6th to have a go at hitting a wedge into a green one handed. The result of which: he managed to hit it closer than Andre achieved. The exertion of this shot was to much for Stratts as he decided to have a little sit down and rest. Unfortunately he still had Hughes Major wedge and thinking that Stratts was going to walk with the second group for a while he had to make a 200 yards dash back to the tee to get his club, only for Steve to tell him that he was just about to get to bring the club back to him.
Anyway back to the golf, which I use in the loosest sense of the word as the way Baz played the 6th was not pretty, a thinned tee shot, followed by a thinned chip and then a 10 foot putt for par.
On the 8th Bazzer hits a beautiful 4 iron approach to 25 feet, which he followed up by sliding in a snaking put for birdie. With the first group playing so slowly Baz was hoping that Hughes major was choking and that the OOM was returning to Wiltshire, well with both Bazzer and The Barth out in 17 points it was all still very close at the top.
With Andre having such a disastrous front nine as he stood on the 10th tee he boldly proclaimed that he was going to play a decent back nine, which "Si" also declared. I am afraid to say that neither "Si" nor Andre actually delivered on their proclamation.
The 11th hole was nominated longest drive and you all know what that means this year. With Bazzer being the last to tee off he sees a fairway with not a single marker positioned on it, should he as Lard once done at Hainault hit a nice soft 9 iron onto the fairway, that would give him all the clean sweep of longest drives in the season? No he decided to “go for it” and hits a long straight monster HUGE drive to complete the season slam of longest drives in style and make it 6 from 6, going back to 2009.
Andre finally found a flash of inspiration on the 13th as he prepared to chip on Bazzers approach shot to the 12th nearly hits him. The resulting shock could only be described a s a positive thing as his chip finds the bottom of the cup.
With the match between Barth and Peng being slightly one sided with Barth having blobbed Peng takes ages over a putt, which Barth thought was to win the hole. Would this be the start of the come back? Peng setts the putt on its way, its looking good, its looking good, ITS GOOD, the come back in on. Alas no as when asked what the putt was for Peng replied 10, seems he had a bit of a swoosh in the rough so match over Barth wins 7&5
With group one playing so slow that Stratz decided to go home they finally come to the 14th, which has a nice lake on the right hand side which Dog declares was not in play. How wrong can one be with both Andre and "Si" seeing their balls go plop and Dog Leg flirting with the very edge. Next shot by Dog was carved into the trees, but miraculously, next shot in trees again but once again found, the resulting hack out finds the green. With a putt for boggy we are thinking what a recovery but the golfing gods took their revenge and a miserable three putt left Dog Leg with a blob.
With Bazzer still having a sniff of the OOM he hits his 2nd shot on the 15th to 5 feet. A birdie now would really makes things tight, unfortunately he failed to make the birdie! Will that missed opportunity be costly in the final OOM standings? Probably not as he blobbed the 16th after hitting his second into the cack and finding his ball, although his swing was still in good shape as he stiffed his provisional to five feet.
Up in the front group Dog demonstrated am amazingly good impersonation of Dilly as he searches frantically for his ball a good 100 yards past where it was found. The resulting approach shot landed in a green side bunker tight against the back lip and with his first attempt to get the ball out Dog extended the size of the bunker by a good three inches with what must be the slab of the year, alas to say the ball remained in the sand and his next shot lips out.
A solid bogey on the 18th saw Hughes Major post a modest 30 points, would it be enough to claim his first OOM. With Barth finishing with a superb par on the 18th giving him a par / par finish and posting 30 points it was all going to come down to the wire in the club house. How close well Hughes Major nicked victory on the day through a more solid back nine and therefore the OOM. However if the result of the day had been reversed Barth would have knicked the OOM by a single point.
A word from you outgoing Captain …….”its Janet”
Well the 2010 season has come to an end, as has my year of Captaincy and a very eventful year it has was.
Baz won all the OOM longest drive tournaments over the season but does not held the record for the longest drive. Do I hear you say why? Well I won't go into the full details here as the story has all ready been relayed a few times. I will however state that Baz’s meagre 320 yards is nothing compared to Dilly's 272 miles. I therefore as outgoing captain ask us to rename our longest drive sweep in future to 'the dilly drive'
I also have some words of wisdom and warning to you all. Travelling to the cross counties cup or winter cup can be tiring and will therefore cause the first few holes to be a little rusty. The temptation is to go the night before and have a restful sleep. This can have the negative effect as Stratts found out in
Finally it was only apt that my captaincy saw us through the year of the Tiger. At the time of writing I have won two of the three majors completed so far this season.
My final duty however is to pass on the baton to this year’s captain, so please welcome 'Captain Arturo…………the return of the Barth’
Hughes Major..
Captain’s footnote
And finally I could not get away with not letting you all know of a school boy error your captain made. If you can remember Andre agreed to run the
Anyway a donation request was made and your captain being a grand chap made a school boy error and miss type and no check saw Hughes Major donate not £10 but £100. Honestly guys it was not coz I fancy him but really was a typo.