First Item on the agenda was the opening committee meeting and a welcome to the new captain Deano (not sure about the validity of the email address given in the last year book) Skinner along with new committee member Chris ‘Bloddie’ Goodman who made an immediate impact managing to get beer, bare knuckle fighting and uncensored sex into the meeting early doors.

Meeting, Breakfast, cup draws and year book distribution done and after a quick swish on both the driving range and the putting green we assembled like a poorly put together airfix model to witness the formal opening of the new year by cap Deano blasting the joke ball – perhaps next year we should try a real ball as double bluff.

The course proved to be in dubious state, care of the weather.  Winter tees were evident and some of the greens were being prepared for looking better later in the year.  However the course was interesting with the 17^th and 18^th posing a wet challenge…………a bit like the weather threw the same stretch of holes.  The very same holes also provided some early runners for the golden golf ball, but more about that later – the weather also proved wet enough for Baz to plunder his four ball colleagues for items of clothing having confidently declared there was no need to take out waterproofs……

blatted the ball into the soft turf a few feet in front of him whereby it did an impression of the mole (from Thunderbirds) so having drilled down it then reversed back up into the air and behind Simon by a good couple of feet………….very strange, very funny!

The round included Baz falling into an ‘I’m sure it moved’ bunker (per chance another of his it’s not in play bunkers….?) Andre hitting a fantastic approach shot on the 8^th that struck the pin………….all in vain though as a blob followed.  Your Chair giving Jeff the benefit of a ‘I wave my private parts in your general direction’.  The 1^st and the 3^rd presented a new problem for the errant tee shot that of not, not finding the ball………..but finding the right one as it surrounds were awash with Range balls.

The 17^th and 18^th presented a moment of three.  Andre paying a due to head to many a warning of water from Baz (was this really necessary given the size of lake in front of him!!!) – in trying to avoid the said pond………….90 degree sideways………….alas the pond was indeed wider than long so wetness was the outcome.  Baz and Dill went to extremes in trying to land a dry one and peppered the 18^th tee…..Simon guffawing at Niall’s position behind the 18^th tee until he realise it was his own ball………

Jeff found a cunning plan to eradicate this from his game by holing from off the green on the first (having smacked his ball way left of the target) – a birdie three and a coat hanger across his chops!

Along with the quick greens, rolling country side and an abundance of rough, London Hatfield could be said to be very very arboreal.  Who ever made the quote that 90% of trees are air is talking total bollox………..as proved on the 4^th.  For those that remember the 4^th hole used to be the 1^st…and has a large oak tree on the left hand side of the fairway with ample room to the right……..well everyone in group 1 managed to clunk the tree and rattle around in the branches like a wasp in a bottle………..90% air my arse!

However an even greater feat was managed by Baz on the next hole the short Par-3 – having over shot the green he found himself behind a wispy tree.  He announced with some aplomb that he was going to use the leaves to slow the ball down………..true to his word he slowed the ball so much that after clunking the bark he finished 5 yards further back…..after composing himself he tried again and this time the leaves did slow the ball stopping short of the green too which Si remarked “he didn’t call it that time did he!”

The second group had by now began too lose touch with the electric pace being set by Group 1 (it’s amazing how quick this game is when you constantly pick your ball up!).  The rumour was that the rough was beginning to take its toll with Deano and Bloddie considering doing a Dilly (and walking in) – however they persevered to see Peng putt up the long two tiered 12^th green and twice miss the top level rolling back to his feet! Nice job.

On to the 13^th and the longest drive hole (strictly speaking longest drive v2 as everyone missed the fairway of the first…………although Jeff and Dean did run out of fairway).  Peng stepped up (looking cool in his Gok Wan shades…) went through his return and did a might swoosh at the ball……….only to totally miss it with a disco spin air shot that John Travolta would have been proud of – Peng time to get “your Gok out for the shortest drive”.

In amongst these shenanigans there were two crucial Matchplay games being played – Barth v Locky and Baz v Si.  Most people would probably have predicted that the big boys would come though – which is exactly what did happen as Locky and Si won by a handsome margin.  One thing to mention in Baz’s match – on the 8^th, Si hit his tee shot into the water and as he was about to play a provisional ball Baz reminded him he could drop by the lake.  Baz then carved his tee shot straight into the lake and promptly reloaded hitting the ball 5 yards – thus committing the same mistake he had warned Si not to………..This mistake was then made worse after another duff when Baz picked his ball up his ball, thus conceding the hole (without thinking………..) Si would go onto post a 10.  Lost ball concessions became a bit of a habit after that for Baz!

After many years of rain the decision was made to move the annual gathering of the boys to contest the Cross Counties Cup to July (and a clash with the Open championship in errr…..rainy Scotland).  The Essex boys decided the bestway to get to Sweatyland was by air, Locky trotted over by car (having arranged a trip to the local Glasgow office the day before)

After a leisurely breakfast Golf kicked off on the Friday afternoon (having been advised we had a 1300 tee time we descended on the club shortly after 1130…..only to find we were actually off at 1430……..shame we don’t do practise really!).  This resulted in the inevitable strop from Jeff about how it is not his fault, what a great job he does, how he will not be sorting it out…………blah…blah…blah – later that evening he calmed down and would indulge in the local delights……….(a theme for the weekend).

The practise round saw a variety of Matchplay games, including the eagerly awaited quarter final between Dogleg and Bloddie.  As expected the game went the full distance before Dogleg sneaked victory on the 18^th (is this becoming a habit or what!).  Lee recorded his first win defeating Andre by the mighty score of 6&4.  Deano set the tone for the weekend with an opening round of 40+ points which saw his handicap cut to 9.4.  Jeff also played his best stuff including a great Chinese cut – 4 yards forward, 8 yards left and through his legs! This mean feat received more points for difficulty as he managed to achieve it with a driver from the tee – great effort!

With Dogleg and Bloddie battling in the first group play was a little slow – well actually very slow (finally culminating with Jeff losing his rag on the 10^th – with the Dog at the top of his swing Jeff bellowed out a guffaw – Dogleg then dicked his tee shot……glared at Jeff – Jeff reacted (with just a hint of turrets syndrome)  - it would seem Jeff was a touch highly strung (and would spend many an evening or early morning relieving this tension with the help of some local beasties…) – Barth pointed out to Jeff he may want to apologise before the clubhouse – as he had noticed Brian Lock’s body language and recognised he hadn’t thumped anyone for ages and was thus well due……………..The usual apologies did therefore follow and all was resolved mid way around the back nine.

Dill put down an early marker – showing he was the man in form – having struggled for the last few years it seems Dill finally found his game (last seen in a bunker at St Andrews in 2004 – it can only be assumed the westerly wind had moved it across from the east coast to West – were he gratefully picked it up!)  A -0.9 cut on day one was not predicted by the local bookies as Dill became an unlikely each way bet for the claret jug.

(except Niall who has requested that it goes on record that is was Lee and Andre doing this and it was not ‘im guv…officer).  Lee even smacked one ball at group 2 while they were on the green putting out……he walked slowly forward apologised and was met with the usual response from the group in front…)

Niall had spent 2 hours playing cack – then claimed not to realise his ‘team Matchplay game was going to count – announcing his whole approach would have been different had he known………..(apparently he doesn’t go for fairways and greens unless its Matchplay and is obviously not interested in scoring a low number on his card!).  Si had the cheek to ask Barth if he could play through on the 16^th as he had been held up all day……..he then played backwards and sideways to the amusement of all.

provisional ball followed the same route – both balls now dead in the cemetery (is that poetic?)

A good day had by all – and everyone had the chance to look at the course that would host the final round of the CCC……Team event was 3-3 overnight in what has become a traditionally close contest.  A quick change and the group split in two for dinner – with some folk heading out for a pizza – the others a curry (where we sampled Sweaty Nan bread which was the size of a small pot bunker!).  After the curry and a few beers Jeff was seen wandering off into the night with Lee and Dogleg to go sample more of the local delicacies (well that’s what he told us – evidence suggest he had his beer goggles on!!)

For most Saturday began after a sleep……..for Jeff it was the continuation of the day before as he embarked on a no sleep weekend (which was to have the obvious effect on his game…..).

First tee – Jeff dicked it and spent many an hour that afternoon moaning about how bad his swing was……(no sh*t Sherlock!) and after a talking to from Baz about – enjoying the golf and weekend – he mad sure his playing partners did with an outstanding display of comedy golf :0)  Despite the show being put on by Jeff, Niall managed only 10 holes before declaring he would need to leave as he had other plans that evening and had to be back by 17:30 and we all thought his plan was to play golf?

For group one (Baz, Jeff, Niall and Dill) the weekend began with poor golf (only Baz managed to put any good numbers on his card on the opening 4-5 holes)  The result a slow embarrassing start where many attempts were made to wave the group behind through – Perhaps Si is the new Nigel Mansell as he seems to always be in the quicker groups! 

On the 18^th Baz picked up were Barth had left off the previous day and smacked a shot down the road – finishing outside someone’s house – despite his plea that there were no white stakes – he accepted playing from someone’s garden some distance right of the golf club was OOB even if there was no formal course fence…..

Andre made his mark on round-1, or more accurately on Lee by smacking a ball straight into his chest – over the next few days we would witness a fine bruise!  Thankfully no hard feeling though as we all accepted – Andre cannot hit a ball that far,  and that straight (one of life’s miracles had been witnessed!).

In the final group Si, Dean, Dogleg and Locky were paired and as these four guys had progressed to the Matchplay Semi-finals they decided this was a great time to contest their matches.  The season of giant killing came to an end though as both Deano and Dogleg had fairly comfortable wins and set up a re-match of their winter cup play off from earlier in the season.

Bloddie was the man out of the blocks this year (as with previous years – he set the early pace) scoring a tidy 33 points – Deano was the only other player to score in the thirties, managing 32 points (despite the cut from the day before) Dogleg and Barth maintained touching distance of the top two and Dill recovered his game late on to sit 5^th overnight and live up to his pre-comp outsider tag!  Team Essex opened up a two point lead in the team competition.

took up the offer…………..Dogleg, Si, Jeff, Lee, Andre and Deano………As with the night before many boys headed into town whist the more refined headed back to hotel bar for a brandy…………..Andre headed back to the hotel for a sleep…on the sofa in reception, before being moved on by the bar staff.

Of the boys who went into town the surprise member of the Jolly boys outing was Deano – and what the poor boy had to watch and endure God only knows……..we had the repeat double act of Jeff and Dog on the pull (rumour has it Dog went for the lookers and Jeff homed in on the minger…..)  The said minger returned with Jeff to the hotel bar and after an unsuccessful attempt to persuade Dogleg to bugger off so Jeff could engage in more jousting – as such Jeff set up Whisky club in reception and  at 04:00 vanished into the night……….not to be seen again until Sunday.

Si bid the evening good night by trying to (a) Set fire to the hotel (b) get himself thrown out of the hotel……How? By having a sneaky smoke in his room!.  Jeff spotted some commotion in reception and quick as a flash called Si with a simple direct instruction “Si, put the fag out, shut the window and put the smoke alarm back together! Do it now the sweaties are on their way up”  Si followed the advise to the letter – which was a good job as the local hotel sweaties let themselves into the room…………having chucked the smoke alarm out the window Si coolly denied all things and headed back to the bar to rejoin whisky club

An interesting twist of fate saw the course very busy – with the Cross Counties for a change impacted by slow play and not causing it!  The slow play and hot sun was all too much for Bloddie as the overnight leader had a stinker and dropped down the leader board.  Another guy to struggle was Deano who developed the shanks – four blobs in the first six holes a truly rare event for the most consistent player in the society (in fact Deano had less than four blobs across the rest of the competition….).  Jeff feeling liberated by his lack of sleep decided to release more and more golf balls back into the wild as he had a true stinker of a round, the only silver lining was a win the Matchplay plate over Lee on the 18^th hole……(almost another upset!).  This performance on the course saw Jeff declare no more drinking and dragon slaying – as he wanted to play his best golf on the final day……….errrr why?

Dogleg, Baz and Barth made the best of the conditions and all had solid rounds despite some mishaps on the 1^st – Baz managed to take 6 shots from 100 yards (3 chips and 3 putts for Blob)

On the long drive hole Baz, Barth and Dogleg all hit monsters and only 5 yards separated all 3 golf balls…..but it was Dogleg that took the bread.

Tony Dill continued his good form and only just missed out on a place in the final four ball by a cruel twist of fate on the 18^th………..well actually not  so much a twist of fate but Dill being a blind buggar!  Having not seen his ball land…….and his playing partners having not seen him play – he walked aimlessly around (as he does when he his looking for his ball……..) – no joy, lost ball, blob – the group behind then came along and found his ball 50 yards short of the green in two (on a par 5) and big points up in smoke!  Si had a novel way of playing this hole – whack his ball sideways into the buggy crash around for a bit and take the blob that would follow – very funny!!!

After a few games were agreed to be halved (with Niall and Locky not playing) the team competition was all square overnight !  After the round the boys retired to watch Padraig Harrington retain the open championship – Barth for one seemed to think it was an omen and declared himself ready for battle on Monday. 

The annual CCC quiz was conducted late in the evening with Skip Deano in the chair – in the absence of the chair………..and Jeff’s not drinking and dragon slaying was put to the test when we discovered a wedding in the hotel….but his resolve was strong and he came through the test.  The Last boys standing, where Baz, Dogleg and Niall, as everyone hit the sack and prepared for battle on the final day.

Group two included Jeff, Dill and Bloddie – despite his early night Jeff had another shocker – throwing in a real mixed bag of cack, rubbish, blobs and air shots! – His 9^th place finish was his lowest finish. 

The next twist came on the sixteenth a 180 yard Par-3 where Deano shanked OOB, and on reload did the same thing – the only consolation was the return of his ball from an old lady sitting in her garden!  This seemed to unsettle him and another bad hole followed and Dean needed to make a 30ft putt just to stay level – which he did.

So on to the Eighteenth hole with Deano and Barth all square on points – the guys agreed on the tee countback would not be a factor – they would play extra holes in the event of a tie…..There was one interesting dynamic – the eighteenth hole was stroke index 11 – which meant Barth received a shot and Dean did not.  Both guys hit good tee shots – but were not able to pass Andre’s marker for longest drive.  Both guys then laid up on the par-5 – Barth flirted with the GUR but after the earlier conversation was relieved to find his ball just short of the said area.  As with their tee shots and second shots the guys both hit fine approach shots into the green and would be putting for birdie.  Deano went first from 35 ft and hit a beauty which stopped one roll in front of the cup.  This meant Barth had two putts from 20ft to win the Cross Counties cup.  This was achieved without any drama and Barth became the first man since Jeff in 2001 to retain the Claret Jug.  Dogleg took 3^rd place for the third year in a row after a late charge of form.

All that was left was a swift cup of tea in the club house prior to the departure and the various methods of travel home.  Team Wiltshire managed to hold on and take the Team event by a two point margin (13-11) – thus bringing the series score to 2-2 between Team Essex & Wiltshire.

Si won the Open sweepstake taking home a tidy ton which I’m sure went some way towards making the 8 hour journey home more bearable.  Niall’s weekend was complete when he got hit for a hefty baggage cost at the airport as he exceeded his limit by 15kg.

Roll on 2010 where we do battle at Selsdon Park, London

The 2nd found our four ball discussing particle physics but we soon returned to toilet humour, Carry on films and Topcat!  On the 2nd Hole Jeff was seen arguing on the phone with Tracey…..pausing long enough to smack his ball OOB before resuming his conversation…using local Romford as his language of choice….

To the 6^th, where we started to notice the CSI body outlines, drawn in the grass.  These continued on throughout the round and all I can say is the local flying club must have been turfing people out in large numbers and given the outlines from quite some height.  On the 7th a Lard short putt was commented as having the taken the right line until Locky pointed out that being so short of the hole it was still to be seen if in fact that this was going to be the case. These short putts were a feature of my gay putting for most of the round.

The 15th saw Master Lock recover supremely from being in a ditch.  The classic Locky short back swing, cow horn pie Desperate Dan forearm punch saw the ball not just out of the ditch but quite some distance toward the pin.  A shot later Lard finds himself in the same ditch further along and significantly to what followed, somewhat soggier than Locky's lie.  It looked playable but getting a foothold on the down slope proved too much as I went into a sort of muddy cartoon backward moonwalk eventually succumbing to the almost inevitable ending up flat on my back with soggy arsed trousers.

Barth took the honours with a 38 point win to get back into the race for the Order of Merit.  LD went to Hughes Major who magnanimously donated his £10 winnings to the charity pot as did Master Lock who had a £14 pot due to him from Ayr - My thanks to them both. NP I believe went to Deano.

A low turn out meant I had less blood to draw on for the charity but we still managed a £25 donation, thanks to all, and with the above that is £50 (well actually £49 but I stumped an additional groat to make it a round figure).

The Chairman's Invitational was between Baz and Locky who managed to contrive yet another drawn match over 18 holes.  This means £0 from everybody as it stands so I expect a re-match where, as history dictates, one of them will fall heavily on their sword!

Chair