Cross Counties Golf Society - Year Book 2008

All,

 

Welcome to the 2008 Cross Counties season review!  - 

 

I had the pleasure of writing this review twice this year after a hard disk issue with my laptop (note to self keep electronic copy as well as paper for backup!!) – anyway the fixture  list for the season was as  shown below and I’m  sure  you will enjoy the memories.

 

*Winter Cup in November 2007 is now recorded as the official 2008 event)

Saturday 15th March 2007 – London Stableford

(Report by Dave Abbott)

 

Barth comes out of the blocks two years on the spin!

 

And so to the first event of the year, bats duly dusted, new balls a ready Oooer, new anecdotes pending in the wings.  The triumphs, the near misses, the tears and the tantrums, hopefully the ultimate glory – but enough of the Arsenal season so far………..I hear breakfast is on the go so we must move on before Peng scoffs it.

 

And on to Silvermere just off the Pompey road, Surrey.  A relatively small place as myself and Hughes major drove past it…………….(myself being twat nav)

 

First Item on the agenda was the opening committee meeting and a welcome to the new captain Deano (not sure about the validity of the email address given in the last year book) Skinner along with new committee member Chris ‘Bloddie’ Goodman who made an immediate impact managing to get beer, bare knuckle fighting and uncensored sex into the meeting early doors.

First Item on the agenda was the opening committee meeting and a welcome to the new captain Deano (not sure about the validity of the email address given in the last year book) Skinner along with new committee member Chris ‘Bloddie’ Goodman who made an immediate impact managing to get beer, bare knuckle fighting and uncensored sex into the meeting early doors.

 

Meeting, Breakfast, cup draws and year book distribution done and after a quick swish on both the driving range and the putting green we assembled like a poorly put together airfix model to witness the formal opening of the new year by cap Deano blasting the joke ball – perhaps next year we should try a real ball as double bluff.

 

The course proved to be in dubious state, care of the weather.  Winter tees were evident and some of the greens were being prepared for looking better later in the year.  However the course was interesting with the 17th and 18th posing a wet challenge…………a bit like the weather threw the same stretch of holes.  The very same holes also provided some early runners for the golden golf ball, but more about that later – the weather also proved wet enough for Baz to plunder his four ball colleagues for items of clothing having confidently declared there was no need to take out waterproofs……

The course presented some narrow and arboreal challenges and reports of balls against bark were heard throughout the round.  Notably Master Wray (tree bound with many shots) hitting the same tree three times on the same hole!  Master Dills played the old one-two off many a trunk.  The aforementioned greens must have played a part (surely) in Peng taking a five putt on the 10th and the soggy fairways certainly played a part in the great backwards shot by Simon Wray on the 6th , worth a little elaboration – Si

blatted the ball into the soft turf a few feet in front of him whereby it did an impression of the mole (from Thunderbirds) so having drilled down it then reversed back up into the air and behind Simon by a good couple of feet………….very strange, very funny!

 

 

The round included Baz falling into an ‘I’m sure it moved’ bunker (per chance another of his it’s not in play bunkers….?) Andre hitting a fantastic approach shot on the 8th that struck the pin………….all in vain though as a blob followed.  Your Chair giving Jeff the benefit of a ‘I wave my private parts in your general direction’.  The 1st and the 3rd presented a new problem for the errant tee shot that of not, not finding the ball………..but finding the right one as it surrounds were awash with Range balls.

 

 

The 17th and 18th presented a moment of three.  Andre paying a due to head to many a warning of water from Baz (was this really necessary given the size of lake in front of him!!!) – in trying to avoid the said pond………….90 degree sideways………….alas the pond was indeed wider than long so wetness was the outcome.  Baz and Dill went to extremes in trying to land a dry one and peppered the 18th tee…..Simon guffawing at Niall’s position behind the 18th tee until he realise it was his own ball………

Not too miss out the chair attacked the wrong flag….and green on 18 (it had flags and everyfink) and then Baz thinking he had pipped the NP money (to add to his long drive) only for me self to plant one well inside his ball.

 

A well played first place for the Barth who managed to steer clear of the drama and stories, second place to Deano and these were the only decent rounds of the day.

And finally from now Jeff will be known as Janet………..with a whole season to take advantage of his new name…..Onward to Bletchingley with due Hurrah and I leave you with this ditty (below)

 

Pip Pip

The Chair.

 

 

Dave was teeing off from the men’s tee.  On his downswing he suddenly realised that his wife had gone ahead and was already teeing up on the ladies tee directly in front.  Unable to stop his swing (and quite unusually) he nailed it and the ball hurtled straight towards his missus.  It hit her directly on the temple, killing her instantly.

 

A few days later Dave got a call from the Coroner regarding her autopsy.

 

Coroner: “Mr Abbott, your wife died from a blunt force trauma to the head.  You said you hit a golf ball and it hit her on the temple, is that correct?”

 

Dave: “ Yes Sir, that is correct”

 

Coroner: “But I found a golf ball wedged up her arse”

 

Dave: “Was it a Titleist no. 3?”

 

Coroner: “Yes it was”

 

Dave: “That was my provisional”

Sunday 25th May 2008 – Surrey Stableford

(Report by Peng Cheah)

 

Big Cuts Hurtmore!

 

Hurtmore Golf Course…..a quaint (short) course set in not many acres of Surrey, but the 25th May 2008 will be remembered as the day of the snip snip…with garden shears

 

 

How was the weather on the day?

London

Surrey

Kent

Costa del Hurtmore

 

The Days play.

 

Unfortunately there was an incident of theft that morning. Namely a missing sausage, bacon and egg from Peng’s second breakfast (but it’s too late for DNA sampling from suspects Jeff, Simon and Andre!!)

 

Well the anticipation at the start wasn’t from the possibility of scoring high on the ‘short’ course, but more from when to do the GoreTex catwalk. Noah’s Ark was seen by many en-route to the course.

 

Deano in tandem with Lewis Hamilton had put on his wets on that Monaco day. Only to turn into pork crackling for 3 holes before pitting for dry’s.

 

A pretty reasonable start by all on the first…with only Si failing to score (must have overloaded on the ‘stolen’ brekkie!)

 

On the 3rd,  Peng thinned his Sand Wedge approach shot onto the 4th tee. Then thinned it again, back to the 3rd fairway. In frustration, then decides to 2 putt from the fairway with a driver before using the 15th club in his bag…known as the blobby left arm pickup.

 

Si completed a treble on the first 3 holes…..here he used the phrase ‘Flag Bitch’.  The R&A handbook defines this as meaning any hole Si cannot get in. That page is pretty worn out!

 

The second par 3 hole brought out the Pro V1 water magnet for Peng. This version only attracts brand new f*$*** golf balls!  For Baz, he factored in his hobble handicap of two extra clubs lengths only to find he used them to the full of 20 yards past.

 

 

 

From the rest of the front 9, Andre turns into a Par-Jekyl  and Bogey-Hyde man. He is hitting the ball well off the tee and fairway.

 

On the 4th Baz was the only one who sensed a tremor that moved the pin 30 yards to the right.

 

Si had a net zero putt chance on the 5th Par 3….but just avoided getting out the R&A Handbook again.

 

Jeff made reference to getting out his big kok all day long. It was reference to his driver and not his bladder control. He did play safe on some holes with an iron instead of his senior flex shaft. In fact where Peng drove the green on the short par fours and 3 putted, Jeff and Andre would play safe and end up with the same score. This proves that getting it in the hole is more important than the size of kok used.

 

On the 8th, Peng’s drive fell at the front and the base of one of the few trees on the course. Unable to swing more than 8 o clock, Peng calls the trick shot to Jeff of a steep hook though the deep rough and onto the green. Only then to play a safety shot of 1ft from a 2ft putt. Andre dents the back of a cup after an adrenaline laden putt…..ball fly’s up 1ft ……and does not fall into the cup.

 

After Bloddie shot 23 pts on the front 9, Barth enlisted the group ahead to buzz Bloddie with a couple of Titleist fly-bys but luckily his head was protected by his sombrero and he was not flustered. 

 

Baz’s leg is obviously recovering by the 14th  as he nuts a 2 iron to scatter birds and golfers.

 

Back luck for Andre as an approach shot gets halted by the only sq. foot of standing water out of  5254 yards

On the  16th. Dill unloads his skimming dambuster across the water and onto the other side. Deano in an attempt to lengthen the course, sinks a 4ft putt with a 20ft swing.

 

Generally the course was in good condition….quality as opposed to quantity many would say. Very open….pars were coming from whichever fairway you were taking your approach shot.

Day of the biggest society cuts.

 

Peng got cut 3.6, Bloddie 2.8 and Andre 2.4. The older you are the more painful the snip.

 

Well done to Bloddie for winning the day and equalling the society record of 45pts.

 

Si sought comfort in joining the ranks of the English entry in the Eurovision song contest.

 

Max Mosley Jeff whipped the longest drive and the usual suspect got nearest the pin.

 

 

 

Question of  Sport time:

 

 

Question 1.

 

Dill was observing how Bloddie’s head was getting redder as the round progressed.

 

What was the reason?

  1. He was embarrassed at shooting 45pts.
  2. He was angry at getting cut 3 shots
  3. The El Dorado sun had been shining on him all day.
  4. All of the above.

 

Question 2.

 

Name this famous golfer on the 110yard  16th hole

 

Saturday 22nd June 2008 – Herts Stableford

 

Baz and Barth play like Bill and Ben

(Report by Jeff Hughes)

 

We descended upon London Hatfield Country Club, on what is now becoming a bit of a regular venue for us.  Is it because the breakfast here is great, the location pretty good for most or that it is just a superb golf course.

 

At breakfast Bazzer’s plate arrived with an egg that had a broken yolk (violins please) as this is the only part of the breakfast Bazzer actually likes – he asked if anyone would swap eggs with him and being a decent fellow Mr Arthur agreed………..just as they were about to begin transferring food Swiss Dill asked “why not just swap plates…………” the penny dropped and after plate swapping Baz begun his customary donation of tomatoes, bacon, black pudding etc.

 

Whilst eating we watched the classic comedy – Australia playing Football.  In their world cup qualifier against China – in a weird twist the Chinese brought on a late substitute called Peng (last seen wolfing down a huge breakfast or two) – playing 90 mins of football, on the other side of the world has got to have an impact on your golf!!!

 

On to the groups……..

Group 1 – Si, Baz, Jeff, Andre

Group 2 – Dogleg, Barth, Locky, Lard

Group 3 – Deano, Bloddie, Peng, Dill

We all know how great a course Hatfield is and I think it is fair to say it has challenging greens……….well if your name is dogleg they were challenging!  He was finding all the greens in regulation and then on the anniversary of “He’s Crazy”(Ed. Note – reference to a night in Le Touquet) played crazy golf on the greens walking off with many a big number. 

Jeff found a cunning plan to eradicate this from his game by holing from off the green on the first (having smacked his ball way left of the target) – a birdie three and a coat hanger across his chops!

 

Along with the quick greens, rolling country side and an abundance of rough, London Hatfield could be said to be very very arboreal.  Who ever made the quote that 90% of trees are air is talking total bollox………..as proved on the 4th.  For those that remember the 4th hole used to be the 1st…and has a large oak tree on the left hand side of the fairway with ample room to the right……..well everyone in group 1 managed to clunk the tree and rattle around in the branches like a wasp in a bottle………..90% air my arse!

 

However an even greater feat was managed by Baz on the next hole the short Par-3 – having over shot the green he found himself behind a wispy tree.  He announced with some aplomb that he was going to use the leaves to slow the ball down………..true to his word he slowed the ball so much that after clunking the bark he finished 5 yards further back…..after composing himself he tried again and this time the leaves did slow the ball stopping short of the green too which Si remarked “he didn’t call it that time did he!”

 

The second group had by now began too lose touch with the electric pace being set by Group 1 (it’s amazing how quick this game is when you constantly pick your ball up!).  The rumour was that the rough was beginning to take its toll with Deano and Bloddie considering doing a Dilly (and walking in) – however they persevered to see Peng putt up the long two tiered 12th green and twice miss the top level rolling back to his feet! Nice job.

 

On to the 13th and the longest drive hole (strictly speaking longest drive v2 as everyone missed the fairway of the first…………although Jeff and Dean did run out of fairway).  Peng stepped up (looking cool in his Gok Wan shades…) went through his return and did a might swoosh at the ball……….only to totally miss it with a disco spin air shot that John Travolta would have been proud of – Peng time to get “your Gok out for the shortest drive”.

 

In amongst these shenanigans there were two crucial Matchplay games being played – Barth v Locky and Baz v Si.  Most people would probably have predicted that the big boys would come though – which is exactly what did happen as Locky and Si won by a handsome margin.  One thing to mention in Baz’s match – on the 8th, Si hit his tee shot into the water and as he was about to play a provisional ball Baz reminded him he could drop by the lake.  Baz then carved his tee shot straight into the lake and promptly reloaded hitting the ball 5 yards – thus committing the same mistake he had warned Si not to………..This mistake was then made worse after another duff when Baz picked his ball up his ball, thus conceding the hole (without thinking………..) Si would go onto post a 10.  Lost ball concessions became a bit of a habit after that for Baz!

Locky was enjoying a pretty easy ride in his match .  Buzz Arthur was blatting his tee shots to infinity and beyond……….with balls orbiting most parts of the universe.  One additional note here for Barth he has far too much time on his hands……every time he reached into his bag for a provisional ball he mumbled, and put a different colour and dot sequence on the ball – perhaps he shouldn’t have bothered……as in space no one can see them anyway! (Perhaps he should have resorted to his secret weapon – the chronicles of Wooton Bassett in attempt to bore Locky to submission!)

 

On the 11th Lard took out dogleg with his homing missile tee shot.  Having teed off Dogleg watched the flight of Lards’ ball before making a late decision….(in fact too late!) to get out of the way – Strike!! Straight into the dogleg’s mid-rift just missing his crown jewels

As the end of the round drew in the first group stood on the 18th tee, a par-3 and Baz announced he would go first and show people the right club (as he had a cack score) – but a carve 180 yards left was wider than the length of the hole……………..Jeff finished the round as he started rolling in a birdie to secure his first win since 2004.

 

One side point – Andre had trouble hitting a stationery golf ball all day – confirmed by another dicked tee shot on 18……..Andre threw a ball down in frustration to whack it in the trees and as the ball ran away from him down the path – the gay blade swung and made perfect connection – baseball golf is the sport for Andre!

 

Onto the results………..

 

1st        Jeff                  36 points

2nd       Dogleg             34 points

3rd        Deano             32 points

 

Nearest the pin went to Si and longest drive was claimed by Bloddie

 

Another great day at London Hatfield – lets be thankful we were not in Scotland as the West coast was battered by a 70 mile / hour gales and torrential rain – roll on July for the trip to Ayr!

 

Friday 19th July – CCC Practise Round (Lochgreen, Troon)

 

Dill finds his game in Scotland!

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

After many years of rain the decision was made to move the annual gathering of the boys to contest the Cross Counties Cup to July (and a clash with the Open championship in errr…..rainy Scotland).  The Essex boys decided the bestway to get to Sweatyland was by air, Locky trotted over by car (having arranged a trip to the local Glasgow office the day before)

whilst the Wiltshire boys took the long trek up the M5/M6.  Last to arrive was Baz who had been in Stoke all day and didn’t manage to get to the hotel until shortly after 22:00 (having covered the 240 miles in little over 3 hours 15 mins….. a gentle start to the weekend occurred with an 0330 finish for the whisky club boys (Baz, Lee, Jeff, Si, Dogleg and Barth)

After a leisurely breakfast Golf kicked off on the Friday afternoon (having been advised we had a 1300 tee time we descended on the club shortly after 1130…..only to find we were actually off at 1430……..shame we don’t do practise really!).  This resulted in the inevitable strop from Jeff about how it is not his fault, what a great job he does, how he will not be sorting it out…………blah…blah…blah – later that evening he calmed down and would indulge in the local delights……….(a theme for the weekend).

 

The practise round saw a variety of Matchplay games, including the eagerly awaited quarter final between Dogleg and Bloddie.  As expected the game went the full distance before Dogleg sneaked victory on the 18th (is this becoming a habit or what!).  Lee recorded his first win defeating Andre by the mighty score of 6&4.  Deano set the tone for the weekend with an opening round of 40+ points which saw his handicap cut to 9.4.  Jeff also played his best stuff including a great Chinese cut – 4 yards forward, 8 yards left and through his legs! This mean feat received more points for difficulty as he managed to achieve it with a driver from the tee – great effort!

 

With Dogleg and Bloddie battling in the first group play was a little slow – well actually very slow (finally culminating with Jeff losing his rag on the 10th – with the Dog at the top of his swing Jeff bellowed out a guffaw – Dogleg then dicked his tee shot……glared at Jeff – Jeff reacted (with just a hint of turrets syndrome)  - it would seem Jeff was a touch highly strung (and would spend many an evening or early morning relieving this tension with the help of some local beasties…) – Barth pointed out to Jeff he may want to apologise before the clubhouse – as he had noticed Brian Lock’s body language and recognised he hadn’t thumped anyone for ages and was thus well due……………..The usual apologies did therefore follow and all was resolved mid way around the back nine.

The 10th was the source of further amusement when Barth thumped a huge tee shot straight down the road running adjacent to the hole – so having declared the ball gone Barth reloaded and did the same again! The second shot much straighter and far more dangerous to any oncoming vehicles.  Thankfully no deaths were reported by the locals and many more roads would get the same treatment over the course of the weekend.

Dill put down an early marker – showing he was the man in form – having struggled for the last few years it seems Dill finally found his game (last seen in a bunker at St Andrews in 2004 – it can only be assumed the westerly wind had moved it across from the east coast to West – were he gratefully picked it up!)  A -0.9 cut on day one was not predicted by the local bookies as Dill became an unlikely each way bet for the claret jug.

Bunkers as usual provided much amusement as both Andre and Dill were able to slam their bunker shots into the face of the bunker and have the ball fly back behind them – how is it the next bunker shot is always so much more difficult?

 

In the final group Lee was dishing out a whacking to Andre as the Matchplay again threw up some upsets – This group decided the best way to deal with slow play was to whack golf balls at the group in front

(except Niall who has requested that it goes on record that is was Lee and Andre doing this and it was not ‘im guv…officer).  Lee even smacked one ball at group 2 while they were on the green putting out……he walked slowly forward apologised and was met with the usual response from the group in front…)

 

Niall had spent 2 hours playing cack – then claimed not to realise his ‘team Matchplay game was going to count – announcing his whole approach would have been different had he known………..(apparently he doesn’t go for fairways and greens unless its Matchplay and is obviously not interested in scoring a low number on his card!).  Si had the cheek to ask Barth if he could play through on the 16th as he had been held up all day……..he then played backwards and sideways to the amusement of all.

The final act of the day was Baz – having hit a monster drive down the 17th to win the money he announced a flick with a lob wedge was now all he had into the green – a tremendous thin – with the ball hitting a wall and flying into the cemetery followed.  Just to prove this was indeed a tricky shot executed to perfection – the

provisional ball followed the same route – both balls now dead in the cemetery (is that poetic?)

 

A good day had by all – and everyone had the chance to look at the course that would host the final round of the CCC……Team event was 3-3 overnight in what has become a traditionally close contest.  A quick change and the group split in two for dinner – with some folk heading out for a pizza – the others a curry (where we sampled Sweaty Nan bread which was the size of a small pot bunker!).  After the curry and a few beers Jeff was seen wandering off into the night with Lee and Dogleg to go sample more of the local delicacies (well that’s what he told us – evidence suggest he had his beer goggles on!!)

Saturday 20th July – Darley, Troon (CCC Round-1)

 

Barth puts his ball in a green bush…..Jeff puts his in a red bush!

(Report by Barry Hughes)

For most Saturday began after a sleep……..for Jeff it was the continuation of the day before as he embarked on a no sleep weekend (which was to have the obvious effect on his game…..).

However he rocked up to the course determined to play well after sorting out a pretty young filly the night before – well that was his version of events – others remarked that the last time anything like that was seen St George had been called to sort it out…..(some folk even talked of a strange piece of foreplay by Jeff described as sword fish jousting…..a coming together of kindred snouts).  Jeff described how he had witnessed and had been part of more ‘blobbing’ the night before as his dragon had a surprise for him.

First tee – Jeff dicked it and spent many an hour that afternoon moaning about how bad his swing was……(no sh*t Sherlock!) and after a talking to from Baz about – enjoying the golf and weekend – he mad sure his playing partners did with an outstanding display of comedy golf :0)  Despite the show being put on by Jeff, Niall managed only 10 holes before declaring he would need to leave as he had other plans that evening and had to be back by 17:30 and we all thought his plan was to play golf?

 

For group one (Baz, Jeff, Niall and Dill) the weekend began with poor golf (only Baz managed to put any good numbers on his card on the opening 4-5 holes)  The result a slow embarrassing start where many attempts were made to wave the group behind through – Perhaps Si is the new Nigel Mansell as he seems to always be in the quicker groups! 

 

On the 18th Baz picked up were Barth had left off the previous day and smacked a shot down the road – finishing outside someone’s house – despite his plea that there were no white stakes – he accepted playing from someone’s garden some distance right of the golf club was OOB even if there was no formal course fence…..

 

Andre made his mark on round-1, or more accurately on Lee by smacking a ball straight into his chest – over the next few days we would witness a fine bruise!  Thankfully no hard feeling though as we all accepted – Andre cannot hit a ball that far,  and that straight (one of life’s miracles had been witnessed!).

 

In the final group Si, Dean, Dogleg and Locky were paired and as these four guys had progressed to the Matchplay Semi-finals they decided this was a great time to contest their matches.  The season of giant killing came to an end though as both Deano and Dogleg had fairly comfortable wins and set up a re-match of their winter cup play off from earlier in the season.

Jeff finally managed one good shot at the nearest pin hole – which secured him the cash prize (Baz decided to capture Jeff’s name on the paper as ‘the grumpy bastard’ – on asking Dill if he would like to add anything Dill declined – muttering not enough space he would need a sheet of A3!)

 

 

Bloddie was the man out of the blocks this year (as with previous years – he set the early pace) scoring a tidy 33 points – Deano was the only other player to score in the thirties, managing 32 points (despite the cut from the day before) Dogleg and Barth maintained touching distance of the top two and Dill recovered his game late on to sit 5th overnight and live up to his pre-comp outsider tag!  Team Essex opened up a two point lead in the team competition.

After the golf the group again split up – with most heading out to the Italian restaurant – Locky being the exception as he decided to stay in and rest his ankle (in the hope he would be fit for the next day).  During the meal Si took a trip to the gents and returned to find his beer now a hybrid of Beer, Olive Oil, Olives……Si’s response was to share his ‘slop’  with all the boys at the table……….surprisingly many

took up the offer…………..Dogleg, Si, Jeff, Lee, Andre and Deano………As with the night before many boys headed into town whist the more refined headed back to hotel bar for a brandy…………..Andre headed back to the hotel for a sleep…on the sofa in reception, before being moved on by the bar staff.

 

Of the boys who went into town the surprise member of the Jolly boys outing was Deano – and what the poor boy had to watch and endure God only knows……..we had the repeat double act of Jeff and Dog on the pull (rumour has it Dog went for the lookers and Jeff homed in on the minger…..)  The said minger returned with Jeff to the hotel bar and after an unsuccessful attempt to persuade Dogleg to bugger off so Jeff could engage in more jousting – as such Jeff set up Whisky club in reception and  at 04:00 vanished into the night……….not to be seen again until Sunday.

 

Si bid the evening good night by trying to (a) Set fire to the hotel (b) get himself thrown out of the hotel……How? By having a sneaky smoke in his room!.  Jeff spotted some commotion in reception and quick as a flash called Si with a simple direct instruction “Si, put the fag out, shut the window and put the smoke alarm back together! Do it now the sweaties are on their way up”  Si followed the advise to the letter – which was a good job as the local hotel sweaties let themselves into the room…………having chucked the smoke alarm out the window Si coolly denied all things and headed back to the bar to rejoin whisky club

Sunday 21st July – Belleisle, Ayr (CCC Round-2)

 

Is it an omen? As an Irishman retains the claret jug!

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

Baz was up and about early Sunday morning – indulging in an early brekkie (these late tee times don’t work if you are not nocturnal like Jeff!) Dill soon joined Baz at stupid o’clock and slowly the rest of the guys rose through the course of the morning, only then did two things become clear………….

 

  1. Locky’s ankle was in a bad way and it was likely he would go home – Bad times!
  2. Jeff had not been seen since 0530 – Good times!

 

As the morning wore on still no sign of Jeff and some frantic calls were made to locate him – Jeff true to form appeared at the 11th hour as grumpy as sin (..me thinks a cocktail of sleep depravation and dragon slaying….).  Andre unable to take anymore was spotted in the bar stabbing his thumb with a sharp object – under the pretence of removing a splinter…………….hmmm

At the course pairings were made and Locky said his goodbyes – departing for Essex (Niall also bowed out – apparently off to look at castles……..many people felt if he wanted to look at castles he should play with Jeff and ensure he had a bucket with him – Jeff spent plenty of time in the sand traps and he could have killed both birds with the same stone).

An interesting twist of fate saw the course very busy – with the Cross Counties for a change impacted by slow play and not causing it!  The slow play and hot sun was all too much for Bloddie as the overnight leader had a stinker and dropped down the leader board.  Another guy to struggle was Deano who developed the shanks – four blobs in the first six holes a truly rare event for the most consistent player in the society (in fact Deano had less than four blobs across the rest of the competition….).  Jeff feeling liberated by his lack of sleep decided to release more and more golf balls back into the wild as he had a true stinker of a round, the only silver lining was a win the Matchplay plate over Lee on the 18th hole……(almost another upset!).  This performance on the course saw Jeff declare no more drinking and dragon slaying – as he wanted to play his best golf on the final day……….errrr why?

Dogleg, Baz and Barth made the best of the conditions and all had solid rounds despite some mishaps on the 1st – Baz managed to take 6 shots from 100 yards (3 chips and 3 putts for Blob)

Barth went one better and having had an 8 foot putt for birdie missed the return and then did an air shot on the tap in – the most unlikely blob ever witnessed – however the pain was soon forgotten as he took the Nearest pin rollover £48 on the next par 3.  Overnight Barth would only be 1 shot back on Deano, with Dogleg and Baz also playing themselves into the final four ball on Monday. 

On the long drive hole Baz, Barth and Dogleg all hit monsters and only 5 yards separated all 3 golf balls…..but it was Dogleg that took the bread.

 

 

Tony Dill continued his good form and only just missed out on a place in the final four ball by a cruel twist of fate on the 18th………..well actually not  so much a twist of fate but Dill being a blind buggar!  Having not seen his ball land…….and his playing partners having not seen him play – he walked aimlessly around (as he does when he his looking for his ball……..) – no joy, lost ball, blob – the group behind then came along and found his ball 50 yards short of the green in two (on a par 5) and big points up in smoke!  Si had a novel way of playing this hole – whack his ball sideways into the buggy crash around for a bit and take the blob that would follow – very funny!!!

 

After a few games were agreed to be halved (with Niall and Locky not playing) the team competition was all square overnight !  After the round the boys retired to watch Padraig Harrington retain the open championship – Barth for one seemed to think it was an omen and declared himself ready for battle on Monday. 

 

The annual CCC quiz was conducted late in the evening with Skip Deano in the chair – in the absence of the chair………..and Jeff’s not drinking and dragon slaying was put to the test when we discovered a wedding in the hotel….but his resolve was strong and he came through the test.  The Last boys standing, where Baz, Dogleg and Niall, as everyone hit the sack and prepared for battle on the final day.

Monday 22nd July – Lochgreen, Troon (CCC Round-3)

 

It’s an Irish double as Barth takes home the spoils

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

The final day began with the best breakfast of the week – freshly cooked and selected from the menu – it tastes so much better when it has not been left sitting around all day!

 

The first group to the tee were – Niall, Si and Andre (Lee becoming the latest casualty as he headed home by train) the three boys had a great time flying round the course to ensure the slow play finger did not point at them!  Andre saved his best till last smacking a monster drive down the 18th to steal the longest drive money.  All three guys also recorded weekend best scores with Si’s final place of 7th his highest ever in the Cross Counties Cup (must be something to do with all that late night smoking!)

Group two included Jeff, Dill and Bloddie – despite his early night Jeff had another shocker – throwing in a real mixed bag of cack, rubbish, blobs and air shots! – His 9th place finish was his lowest finish. 

Bloddie set about repairing the damage of the previous day and after three birdies on the front nine had a realistic chance of a top-3 finish – but an in-different back nine saw his charge fall away.  Dill continued his good form and another good day saw him break into the top four (Dill was later seen packing his game away very carefully with his clubs and making sure he did not leave it in Scotland again – especially as the next visit is not planned until 2012!)

The real battle was up front as Barth and Deano went head to head – with Barth saving his best golf of the weekend till the final nine holes (just like last year!).  Despite the odd shank Deano’s game was in solid shape and his lead was growing to a dangerous size – until Barth rolled in a 20ft birdie on the fourteenth hole – this proved to be a real turning point in the round as the gap closed.

The next twist came on the sixteenth a 180 yard Par-3 where Deano shanked OOB, and on reload did the same thing – the only consolation was the return of his ball from an old lady sitting in her garden!  This seemed to unsettle him and another bad hole followed and Dean needed to make a 30ft putt just to stay level – which he did.

 

 

 

 

So on to the Eighteenth hole with Deano and Barth all square on points – the guys agreed on the tee countback would not be a factor – they would play extra holes in the event of a tie…..There was one interesting dynamic – the eighteenth hole was stroke index 11 – which meant Barth received a shot and Dean did not.  Both guys hit good tee shots – but were not able to pass Andre’s marker for longest drive.  Both guys then laid up on the par-5 – Barth flirted with the GUR but after the earlier conversation was relieved to find his ball just short of the said area.  As with their tee shots and second shots the guys both hit fine approach shots into the green and would be putting for birdie.  Deano went first from 35 ft and hit a beauty which stopped one roll in front of the cup.  This meant Barth had two putts from 20ft to win the Cross Counties cup.  This was achieved without any drama and Barth became the first man since Jeff in 2001 to retain the Claret Jug.  Dogleg took 3rd place for the third year in a row after a late charge of form.

 

All that was left was a swift cup of tea in the club house prior to the departure and the various methods of travel home.  Team Wiltshire managed to hold on and take the Team event by a two point margin (13-11) – thus bringing the series score to 2-2 between Team Essex & Wiltshire.

 

Si won the Open sweepstake taking home a tidy ton which I’m sure went some way towards making the 8 hour journey home more bearable.  Niall’s weekend was complete when he got hit for a hefty baggage cost at the airport as he exceeded his limit by 15kg.

 

Roll on 2010 where we do battle at Selsdon Park, London

Saturday 13th September 2008 – Chairman’s Day

 

Look out Lard….you are going to fall………

(Report by Dave Abbott))

 

So off to our spiritual home Hainault, this time to do battle on the Lower course (for the first time)

An overcast day soon burnt off to produce the best of conditions. Not bad given the crap summer to date. Albeit that the conditions were not agreeable with the local wasp population who's wrath was taken out on Bloddie on the 4th where a loud yelp followed by a “gerroffoutofityoubastard” left Bloddie with a nice sting on the arm.

The 2nd found our four ball discussing particle physics but we soon returned to toilet humour, Carry on films and Topcat!  On the 2nd Hole Jeff was seen arguing on the phone with Tracey…..pausing long enough to smack his ball OOB before resuming his conversation…using local Romford as his language of choice….

 

To the 6th, where we started to notice the CSI body outlines, drawn in the grass.  These continued on throughout the round and all I can say is the local flying club must have been turfing people out in large numbers and given the outlines from quite some height.  On the 7th a Lard short putt was commented as having the taken the right line until Locky pointed out that being so short of the hole it was still to be seen if in fact that this was going to be the case. These short putts were a feature of my gay putting for most of the round.

 

The 15th saw Master Lock recover supremely from being in a ditch.  The classic Locky short back swing, cow horn pie Desperate Dan forearm punch saw the ball not just out of the ditch but quite some distance toward the pin.  A shot later Lard finds himself in the same ditch further along and significantly to what followed, somewhat soggier than Locky's lie.  It looked playable but getting a foothold on the down slope proved too much as I went into a sort of muddy cartoon backward moonwalk eventually succumbing to the almost inevitable ending up flat on my back with soggy arsed trousers.

A hole or so later Locky punches one into the trees.  Spotted by Bloddie, Locky decides to take the buggy to the ball and drives straight into the trees.  In fact Mr Lock's driving of the buggy throughout was somewhat erratic and I named us the Boulders Brothers out of Wacky Races

Barth took the honours with a 38 point win to get back into the race for the Order of Merit.  LD went to Hughes Major who magnanimously donated his £10 winnings to the charity pot as did Master Lock who had a £14 pot due to him from Ayr - My thanks to them both. NP I believe went to Deano.

 

 

A low turn out meant I had less blood to draw on for the charity but we still managed a £25 donation, thanks to all, and with the above that is £50 (well actually £49 but I stumped an additional groat to make it a round figure).

 

The Chairman's Invitational was between Baz and Locky who managed to contrive yet another drawn match over 18 holes.  This means £0 from everybody as it stands so I expect a re-match where, as history dictates, one of them will fall heavily on their sword!

 

Chair

 

Dear Cross Counties Golf Society,

 

I am writing to you to apologies for Mr Lard’s absence for most of this last year’s outdoor and indoor activities.

 

For the most part Mr Lard has been confined to the day room (the one with the soft furnishings and pastel colours) and has refused to see any one.  He did escape er.. forgive me, he did go out of bounds a couple of times and when recovered by our German gardener Heir Schott, from Tesco’s car park , clutching a trolley and asking passers by if they knew where he could clean his balls, appeared to be quite beside himself that no one would take his word that he had been to, amongst others places, Paris, Las Vegas and Florida. 

 

That said he did somehow manage to get access to funds, (held, we thought, securely in the Claret Jug on the top shelf in the kitchens- On discovery Old Bertha Wood the catering manager, was so shocked she has since stood in a bag with a sock over her head and said she won’t come out again but no doubt she will make an appearance) funds which have not been accounted for and as an aside must be repaid.  I trust the society will manage the recompense at the earliest.  I understand he believes he is the Chairman of your robust society and seemed disappointed to have missed many of your Beano’s through the year so I know you will show due sympathy.

 

 

My apologies however are tempered by news of your Societies activities some of which would have been quite unsuitable for Mr Lard who is still trying his best to deal with life in general and his particular anguish at never making it as a swordfish wrestler when he was younger. 

 

If our local organ has got it right I have been led to believe there has been a great deal going on.  Those reports, that made the back AND front pages, bordered on the outlandish at best and at times appeared to be quite disconcerting.  The copy returned by young hacks Messrs Ruff and Phoundsand were initially dismissed as Red Top tittle-tattle but when Walter Trapp filed a similar piece the effect was felt cross counties.  I can only put it down to the Scottish Air.

 

I trust the society will manage a more sedate approach to the coming year and who knows Mr Lard may well be well enough to return to the ‘some semblance of normality’ the society can best offer and be permitted to, as it were,  ‘play out’.

 

Yours,

 

Miss D Putt

Care Home Matron

Fairways Abide-A-Wee Rest home for the generally deluded and graphic novel readers