Cross Counties Golf Society - Year Book 2007
Saturday 17th March 2007 – Wiltshire Stableford
(Report by Dave Morris)
Barth-time at Castle Combe!
The fist event of the year was held at the picturesque Castle Coombe, in deepest, darkest Wiltshire. The day started well with bacon rolls for all…………except Baz, what chance has Baz got of getting a sausage roll when he can’t even arrange them at his own venue. Baz just eat bacon. Baz then went on to confuse the party by sharing a discussion (had over drinks the night before!) of a shot he was playing from a bunker that wasn't in play. Strange logic, can you help Baz?
In the Cross Counties annual tradition Captain ‘Si’ slammed the first ball (the joke streamer ball) of the new season off the tee to get the proceedings underway, fortunately for Skip he managed to hit just beyond the ladies tee, good shot………and season 2007 was under way. For the umpteenth time Chris Goodman drew attention to himself by forgetting to secure his golf bag to the back of his buggy, when will he learn………………….buggy moves……..clubs fall off………..society all laugh!
The day started badly for Baz (as it was to continue) as he visited the woods on the first, fortunately Locky found the ball, little did they know this was going to be the pattern of the day. Baz decided a blob on the first was the right decision as things could only get better, or so he thought? It would appear the theme of the day was very arboreal as "Si" went into the trees, followed by a ping, ping, ping, PING as the ball came back out the trees onto the fairway in the same direction as the ball went in………..only Si could have made this shot!
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On the 2nd hole Jeff played a beautiful shot (can I use Jeff and beautiful in the same sentence, surely its not appropriate) into the Par 3 only to see it come up short dropping into the brook, undeterred he reloaded. His 9 iron hit the buggy path, and flew into the trees………….lost ball (not so beautiful). Things were looking up though as the first ball was found, however Jeff put his foot on what he considered was terra firma, alas a splosh booty up to the shin, but after a little bit of two club fishing he did at least get his ball back.
Ricky must be congratulated for resisting the temptation to fly away like Mary Poppin’s, anyone who weighs less than eight ounces should not be out in such gale force winds. Ricky battled away, despite a couple of scary moments and came in with his highest ever finish! Congrats Ricky. We will get you on the bread, dripping and pie diet, we’ll have you up to 6 stone in no time at all. Elsewhere around the course Jeff provided some humour when he switched the ball of Captain ‘Si’ for one of those water exploding specials, unfortunately the big man did not hit the ball hard enough to break it!
Peng started like a man possessed, what can we say 15 points after 5 holes, 19 points after 8 holes …..but alas only a total of 23 points after 18 holes.... could this be he greatest blow up in OOM history!!! This remarkable start included a bona-fide birdie on Stroke Index 1 for 5 points (a rare achievement). Dilly - great start also but 7 Blobs on the spin to finish the round………………………stop copying Peng, its not big and not clever!
Back to the action and the 13th hole, up the hill after the monstrous Par 5 Doolittle. A brief discussion between Dogleg, Chris G and the Chair as to whether it would be best to chuck an iron shot to the little landing zone straight ahead than to play up the hill. All three players declined such a Wussy approach. However……….Chris biffed a ball over the trees and watched as it rolled back down the hill to said zone. Lard loads and cracks a ball up the hill but slightly right, lets come back to that………….Dogleg next, and he slammed his tee shot into the same trees but rather miraculously it survived and get through. Would it hold? Would it bugger, the ball rolled to within feet of Chris's ball. Off to the landing zone for Dogleg and Chris. Back to Chairman Lard, having climbed the said hill he found his ball tucked up but playable. A little punched chip out followed…………..the ball landed on the long grass at the top of the hill. Pleased with himself having gained some good yardage Lard started to move on……………only to notice his ball start to roll, it gained speed, and descended to the landing zone, feet from Chris and Dogleg………………The iron wussy shot would appear to have been the smart shot to have played…………………….
Off to the 15th. Dogleg in the trees again, a huge shot, followed by a heavy crack. Dogleg has to duck as the ball pings around like a wasp in a bottle. Then a long, long pause until finally it plopped out some 10 yards left and behind where he was standing. Another swish and the ball comes through the mighty oaks only to be grabbed by a feeble sapling further up the fairway. No crack this time more a soppy limp wrist but the effect was much the same as the sapling threw his ball back towards him. Last go Dogleg belts the ball as much in frustration as anything but once again the trees were still very much in play. However the shot survived probably because it was travelling like a bullet and it actually cut a large branch down. Bored with trees he then smacked a drive that looked a certain candidate for OOB, however the ball was found with a big brown metal fence mark on it. Dogleg again off target, the wrong side of the path, the shot was then made more difficult as first Chris G and then Lard obliviously parked their buggies between Dogleg and the pin, well it did seem the least likely place for the ball to go !
On the long Par 3, Dogleg kindly took Lards putter from his bag, in the buggy ready for when he got to the green as he had a long walk around the huge bunker to play a chip from the trees…………….only for Lard to rudely decline its immediate usage requiring instead a sand-wedge from said bunker. Lard’s day did not get much better, on 17 he made it to the edge of the green without major incident only to then put two in the water, good job!!
Fast forwarding to the 18th we rejoin Baz back in the trees, on a path. With all the finesse of a guy who was ready to explode he smacked a five iron all of 20 yards into the back of Tony’s buggy, with the ball stopping in the cage at the back, now that's what I call a difficult lie!!
After a skanked approach on 18 (kept it under the wind) Chris Goodman will rue the 4 foot putt which would have given him 1st place, this left the Dogleg and the Barth equal, on points with the Barth sneaking his first tour win in four years by virtue of countback – the main reason for Barth’s success would appear to have been his absence from the trees and relatively straight forward and conventional approach to the round, ie: fairway, green, putt (unlike the rest of us that partook in the tree, tree, blob approach). Well Done Chris Hazell for winning NP and LD on debut and for securing a 4th place finish, lets think what could the nickname be……………….maybe Señor Hazell !
Saturday 14th April 2007 – Kent Stableford
(Report by Tony Dillien)
As you were at Birchwood………haven’t we seen this order before!
As the sun shone brightly over
The groups were arranged for the forth coming battle and made their way to the driving range and putting green to loosen up, Dilly’s time on the range was not as he expected and only got worse when Chairman Lard asked him how he was doing only for the reply to come back that he couldn’t hit the range with a ball…………only for Andre to pipe up with “oh yes I’m having trouble keeping my driver on the range too”, that makes a change as last time he visited Kent he had trouble keeping the head on his clubs.
Anyway it was off to the first tee to for battle to commence, the first group consisted of Deano, Jeff, Barth and Steve and as they prepared the ever tactful Jeff decided now was a good time to remind Steve that Barth had only been defeated three times in Matchplay in six years…………………..which was helpful considering this was now the task of Steve. It did not take long for this premier group to disappear out of sight leaving us mere mortals in their wake and divots.
Next up was the frightening group of Skip ‘Si’, Chairman Lard, Niall and Dilly, their start was shall we say indifferent with all playing the first in their own way, god knows what the starter thought as he watched in amazement. All seemed to be going well for this group until the 3rd when Lard’s tee shot disappeared into the undergrowth , having spent 5 minutes looking for the ball he jumped into the buggy and proceeded back to the tee only to be met by the wagging finger of Bazzer and the comments of “what are you doing back here………..bugger off back down the fairway you slow buggar”…………………….or something like that.
On the ninth hole and both Chris and Peng who obviously thought they had eaten a box of shredded Wheat decided they would attempt to cut the corner and drive the 355yd par 4, both duffed their shots all of 50yds (hmm only 305 to go now) and then promptly did the same with their seconds by which time the echoes of Locky asking them both “What are you like” – Locky also duffed his tee shot 20 yards but was not foolish enough to announce he was trying to whack it on the green ! It also has to be noted that Peng was hitting a provisional ball off every tee………..but managing to find all of his original drives ! thus trouncing Chris h in their Matchplay game !
There was also a lot of confusion on the 15th when having played his second shot Lard asked Dilly if his ball had gone out of bounds to which Dilly replied it cleared it without bouncing, he then went and picked up his provisional ball only to realise Dilly meant it had cleared the OOB without bouncing…………………. It didn’t prove any easier for this group on the next hole, a par 3 when every member played this as a dogleg with all 4 balls quaintly placed right of the green down the bottom of the hill, a most unusual way to play it.
The 17th was no easier for our captain and chairman as both had trouble on the green with Lard nearly holing a monster 40ft putt and then proceeding to take 3 further putts from 6 inches while Si was playing his own game chipping his ball from one side of the green to the other completely overlooking the hole.
The 18th had its fair share of excitement as well with Steve hitting a masterful drive down the middle claiming the longest drive prize, Peng tried vainly to beat this which in some ways he did but alas his ball beat it several fathoms down in the lake, Baz in the meantime was having his own problems and battle trying to dispose of Locky in his matchplay game.
Baz had been 4up with four to play however was now 1up on the 18th. Having hit his approach shot in the bunker at the back of the green and being watched by all of the society there was a few swishes of the sand iron (much to the delight of some gathered spectators) and a frustrated look on Bazzer’s face before the ball finally popped out onto the green! at first it seemed he was trying to dig the tunnel for the upcoming
The day ended with a rather dodgy bit of grub in the clubhouse and let it be noted that the same top 3 from last year were also the same as this year, well done Dean, Jeff and Dilly.
Saturday 12th May 2007 – London Stableford
(Report by Simon Wray)
The Numpties have a Grand Day out !
The day started off with a blinder - the Wiltshire bunch had a kind invite of breakfast around Bazzer’s (anything to avoid a bacon roll!!) having made my way to his gaff, I knocked on the door ... several times, waited and
eventually was met by a burly gorilla in a dressing gown not too pleased at being woken up at 8:30 on Saturday morning. To boot, he'd never heard of the Hughes and thought I was slightly mad insisting that he must have kidnapped the family…….. Having driven aimlessly around Ludgershall, I spotted Hughes Minor waving like a lunatic outside a strange house………………..You know what had happened don't you? I'd only gone and forgotten Baz had moved home!
Well, eventually breakfast was consumed, mostly by Andre (thanks Gill, lovely tucker!) and we hit the road. Having got about 5 miles down the road Mr Arthur's car decided it needed a garage so the rest of the journey was conducted at around 0.5 m/hour. There's a school of thought that says maybe this was playing on Barth’s mind during his round… or maybe he just played crap! Finally we all made it to the course & Mr VW man got to work on The Phaeton Rocketship (Good job as Barth was talking about dropping it off at a garage in Guillford…………..before we played).
The standard for the days funnies was immediately set by Baz - as ever Baz is carrying a large stack of important looking scraps of paper, when a sudden freak gust of wind took one away. Baz proceeds to do a comedy run after it, stamping and missing several times for our benefit. When he finally nails it to the floor he bends over, picks it up and proceeds to drop all the other bits of paper……………..
Well, on to the golf…the weather held off, greens were crap, play wasn't particularly fast. All this seemed to favour the numpties and they took full advantage with many nupmties hitting season best performances (some numpties even recorded their best scores for a couple of seasons!
Some of the highlights of the day included:
- Peng the par 5 king - 2 pars and a birdie racking up 12 points on 3 holes!
- Skip hitting best round since 2002 (31 points) & also grabbing the NP dosh.
- Peng hitting his society best of 32
- Lard hitting career best of 105 and also making good use of a small bridge on the 2nd
- Peng hitting provisional at 16th and nutmegging Jeff as he was walking to the 17th tee.
- Barth getting so frustrated with (a) slow play (b) state of the greens (c) playing cack!!
- Jeff accepting blame for slow play and not having an excuse or blaming someone else!
Longest drive was taken by Jeff, an unfair achievement given that the majority of the day he was looking for his ball in the trees.
However, the day's overall winner with 37 points was Dogleg so congrats to him (this was Dogleg’s annual win after a skinful the night before - Dogleg you have still got it!). Deano added a second place to his win from Kent and Steve's recorded his first society podium in 3rd place! Finally, I've been asked to mention that the society confirms that Ivor could take on and ‘av’ Thomas…....anytime. He'd struggle with the Fat Controller though.
Cross Counties Cup 2007 – Le Touquet, France
Friday 22nd June (St Omer - Practise Round)
(Report by Barry Hughes)
“Si” in the Pink as he claims Match Play Triumph!
With half of the society descending on Folkestone on Thursday evening, this had the potential to be the most organised and well planned trip for some years…………..well it had the potential!!!
All seemed to go awry on the Friday morning when initial phone calls to check where people were reported that Andre and “Si” were eating breakfast at Clackett Lane services………..after a few exchanged glances between people a positive frame of mind was accepted by all “it will be ok, they will make it………..” was accepted. Second Curve ball of the day –
Lee decided his claustrophobia would prevent him from getting the Channel Tunnel train………so off he went to get the boat…………more about that later. Anyway on the road – finally we arrive at the terminal and after some frantic passport searched by both Hughes brothers the first few cars were in the queue and on their way. Soon after boarding Chris G and Dill confirmed they were on board and we were on our way…………………….except news came through – “Si” and Andre had been stopped by customs (as they look very shifty!) and the subsequent delay meant they missed the train………………thankfully next crossing was 30 minutes later
After the crossing it was clear – organisation was poor……………..Jeff shot off the train like a bat out of hell (with Barth in pursuit – which was more by luck than judgement) in order to pick up Lee from the foot passenger terminal……………This was the one lowlight of the weekend as some language and attitude was reeled off by Jeff (no surely not I hear you cry……….) at the inconvenience caused by this detour to the Calais boat terminal………after some mediation from Lard and Baz the world was a better place and apologies were exchanged. Whilst mediation was taking place conversations also took place regarding the way to the course……………..no one knew as all the Sat Nav’s were down (except Andre – who was still in Blighty!)………..also discussed was the whereabouts of Mr Goodman and Dill………finally a phone conversation took place and we realised they were also lost!!!!
A Plan! just head for St Omer and we are bound to find the course ……………great plan – but didn’t work, we all finished in different parts of St Omer and after more phone calls managed to rendezvous and form a convey outside ‘La Poste’ – at this point we heard from
at this point we heard from Andre and “Si” – despite missing the train they had now arrived at the Golf Course………and after some directions we were able to travel in. On the way to the course Barth was almost basking in the glory of having gone the right way by accident (despite Baz getting more and more wound up and demanding he turn the car around……………)
Finally we all arrived at St Omer – and what a course and what fantastic condition it was in – A little later we were able to establish the European Tour had played the previous week – so the quality of the fairways and greens was now completely understandable and even more of a privilege to have played on.
The pairings for the practise round were agreed as usual this opening day brought many comical moments. The first came on the first green – Baz had the chance to open his weekend with a birdie – a putt from just off the green, alas the setup from the recent tour event meant instead of the ball dropping in the hole, it rolled back down the slope followed the cambers off to the right side of the green and plop into the bunker. This all happened as Baz was walking up the slope armed with just his putter, alas he had to make a slow walk back to his bag to retrieve the sand wedge. Two sand shots and two putts later Baz had opened with Blob!!! On the 4th Dill hit a lovely approach to 10ft only to find he had hit Jeff’s ball! Undeterred he did it again with his own!
Baz’s day got a little better on the 14th hole however when after a big drive he was able to hit an eight iron into ten feet. This putt was duly converted for an eagle (a rare bird indeed for Baz!!). Also on the fifteenth Jeff hit a huge hook off the tee and after tracking his ball down he took aim for the green. At this time Barth, Dogleg, Andre and Lard were walking up the 12th, Jeff connected with a beauty straight out of the sweet spot…………Baz however screamed “Fore Left!” and all the fore mentioned guys flapped in sheer panic – having had no idea of where the ball was………….a very comical thing. Jeff also found this amusing until he asked where his ball finished………..a question that could not be answered as we had all taken our eyes off it to watch the guys hit the deck!!! Jeff no longer found this wholly amusing…………..The final comment about the 15th was the message left in the bunker by some locals who must have none we would be in town………..scrawled in the sand was the phrase ‘U C*NT’ this could only be relevant to the Cross Counties boys!
Andre tuned up nicely for the weekend by doing an air shot….or two – good move Andre use them up on a day they do not count – like your plan!!! Lard followed this example by leaving a couple out there as well. Collectively all the group struggled on the Par 3 – with only one person hitting the target. Step forward the Barth-man – he hit his approach into the final Par 3 close enough to take all the roll-overs and finish the weekend in credit after one day
The most memorable moment of the day came in the Match play when Skipper “Si” scored his maiden victory by beating Lee 3&2. After seven years of trying, and thirteen straight defeats “Si” marched into the Semi-Finals of the Match Play Plate (soon to be re-branded the Numptie Cup). This result was all the more remarkable when the scoring was reviewed……..”Si” had won a hole with a 13! And halved lots with 9!!. The news of the win even impressed a local, as we saw the words “Si” sprayed in pink paint on the walkway between the 17th Green and the 18th Tee, obviously commemorating the historic moment.
Back at the bar the weekend teams were drawn and the combination of Dogleg (captain), to represent team Essex……….and Andre skippering Team Wiltshire came out the hat. The Match play draws were also made – with Barth and Baz meeting in the semi-finals for the fifth straight year. In the other match Peng plays Deano.
On returning to the hotel – all folks were quick to congratulate Jeff on his choice of venue seemed a fine location and in the middle of town……………retrospectively I’m not sure if this was a good thing or bad……….there were some late nights to come. In fact on night one, “Si” surpassed himself by going on a Pernod bender…………..
whilst some of the other boys took on the locals at Table football ! Many cries of “You’re not very good", and "You’re Sh*t and you know you are are” rung out across the bar – and that was just the Cross Counties boys, cheering their own team on!
As the night wore on there was many a “HURRAH” to be heard and some interesting coloured Vodka
shots that where seen being served around the Bar – where Baz impersonating Andy from Little Britain (oh so apt) was heard to cry “Want One”, Lard asked Baz “What is it” to which Baz replied “Don’t know but want one”. We also saw “Le Meter” being carried to people tables, to help those who don’t remember this was 10 ponsy French half pints in a 1 meter wooden frame carried on the waitresses shoulder.
Dog Leg thought after a bucket full of beer he had the stealth to lift the last glass from the waitress without her noticing. As he lifted the glass the waitress stopped slowly turned round and looked at Dog leg like he was a naughty school boy, to which Dog Leg had no choice but to replace the glass much to the humour of all of us.
We did finally head back to the hotel in the early hours and the final accolade of the evening was left to Mr Wray as the host of the whiskey club. After a few hands and additional shots Mr Wray headed to the bathroom to produce a fine chunder………………….all in the bath………well given the way “Si"s eyes were going round it was surely a smart call to go for the big target !!!
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Jeff finds his annual CC form
Day One of the Cross counties cup as per previous years many boys rocked up to play………..still recovering from the exploits of the night before. Despite his indulgence from the previous day “Si” was up and about, but others looked the worse for ware. Step forward Dogleg who had to be woken to play golf……..and then walked straight into the column at the hotel.
On to the course and not for the first time Jeff was asked to produce a voucher to allow us to play, these vouchers proved to be the bane of our lives, every where we went – asked for a voucher………..THERE ARE NO VOUCHERS !!!! After much discussion raised voices (yep – Jeff’s) we were given our cards and headed off to the course. On the first tee Lee announced he did not have many balls – so being a nice bloke Baz handed over x4 Titliest balls for Lee. As a sign of appreciation Lee lost x3 of them on the first hole and still failed to return a score. It was a good job there was a bloke selling them after the third hole. On completion of Lee’s card Jeff remarked it looked more like a bowling score – hail the birth of “Spare”.
On the second tee Andre disappeared into the bush for a chunder and spent the rest of the front nine looking remarkably green, until Lard handed out drugs on the 9th tee. On receipt of drugs Andre’s game improved immediately as he made par on the 9th and started to pick points up much more regularly. By contrast Baz who has an excellent front nine scoring 18 points also took drugs from Lard and fell right off his game managing only 5 points in the last 8 holes…………….hmmm perhaps the Chair needs to be investigated.
Elsewhere on the course Jeff managed his best score for some time as he strode into an early lead in the Cross Counties Cup. Perhaps the secret to Jeff’s success was walking into a tree early in his round. The tree knocked him clean off his feet and slightly dazed…….then the golf game fired – Note to Jeff this could be the secret and should be repeated before all rounds.
Dogleg’s round continued in the drunken haze in which the day started and after hitting many in the trees he stuttered round with 22 points – the lowlight of Dogleg’s day being a carve over the fence – Dogleg took a ball from his bag and dropped, the ball landed in the divot of his original shot! He then went to move the ball from the divot and like the previous night had the look of a naughty school boy caught with his pants down, as he bent down to move the ball he looked up at Jeff laughing at him and said “I can’t move this can I?”
Lee’s day did not get any better as he came in with a paltry 14 points (some say he lost more balls, than he scored in points……….) on one hole Lee was so frustrated by his lack of ability he threw his club, this is perhaps a better way for Lee to continue playing as the club went much further than his ball. The downside though he almost lost his club – obviously he is not used to having to watch things go that far.
Barth posted a solid if unspectacular 29 and playing with Chris G (newly identified as Bloddie!) who did likewise with a good 30 points. These two guys took second and third place on the day and spent much of the day matching each others scores. A feature of the weekend would be for these guys to remain close together and right in the hunt.
Lard had a good day posting 26 points and a solid sixth place – one of the funniest moments of the day came at the Par 3 seventeenth, when Lard hit a sqiffy approach out to the right in the trees. Quick as a flash his playing partners Baz and Andre announced that there was no trouble, the ball would be ok. Lard stopped on the tee, considered for a moment and asked the question “did you see it down”, both Baz and Andre replied instantaneously “Yes”, before stopping looking at each other and providing a new response “No”. At which point Lard reloaded. For the record the first ball was found and Lard recorded a good net Par.
On the 18th after a very poor back nine Baz hit a nice shank of the tee, this was followed by an air shot and carves into another tree. So playing four from 280 yards away Baz pulled driver out his bag and went for glory. The result, in the bunker through the back of the green a nice chip, so a five foot putt for a point…………….it was not to be and another blob was recorded (the fifth of the back nine) as Baz posted 27 points to hold fifth place overnight. Dill was the final member of this group and had another of his quietly effective rounds posting 28 points and taking 4th place on Day one.
As before the boys headed into town, boosted by the arrival of Mr Lock. First stop was dinner and the ever so expensive (and acceptable) Seafood restaurant. Never before have I seen ‘Fruit de La Mare’ served in a 2ft x 1ft Boat – seriously impressive servings and the locals looked well set for the night. Lee trying to work out how to get meat out of the crab (and then trying to work out which bits he could eat) was a sight to behold.
After food the boys returned to the bar (from the previous evening) what has become known as the toilet incident is best explained by the Chairman himself…………..
“I feel I should explain when it is simply referred to as the 'toilet incident'!
Empasse Bar-Saturday night: Location: The single toilet which was odd any way. Small French bloke standing there (also a little odd, but what the heck). I go and then walk out as Barth walks in. French bloke not aware Barth and I are known to each other. So Barth starts and mid flow I pop back in and give him the old shove. He duly falls up against the urinal much to his consternation and when he turns round glaring I point at the little French bloke and say it was him. The poor fellow nearly died of shock before apologising/denying profusely. After letting him sweat a moment or two I explain it is ok I know him. Waves of relief followed and in this moment Barth exits and Dog Leg appears. What was good once was better a second time. I think the poor chap aged visibly. Well serves him right hanging about the bogs!”
Also in town the cross counties men’s choir sung a great rendition of “We love you Freddie”, this made a lot of people stop, consider and then walk away, especially when ‘Le Lard’
started doing the man boob shake to the Morocco rap music. Finally we should record dogleg doing his crazy dancing next to knob man (hoping to get some scraps) when “He's crazy” came on in the pub.
Dogleg did indeed go crazy – with his scary eyes. All the remaining boys joined in the chorus, very loudly and pointed at Dogleg………..who went into real crazy mode with us singing and pointing at him the whole time, Classic. This was also a nice distraction from the Barth’s sleeve ‘beer dipping’ competition, lets face it Barth lost!
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Barth hits the front as Jeff has Le Mer !
Baz and Dill were up and about early Sunday morning (having both crashed early on the previous evening and had not partaken in the exploits of the night before). One by one folk made it down for breakfast looking the worst for ware. As with previous days we were treated to bad weather – constant rain and drizzle as we headed down to the clubhouse (to allow those that completely missed breakfast to get fed. Next step the walk to the tee - which was about half a mile away from the club house!!
The best golf was played in the first group which included Baz, Barth and “Si”. The tone for the day was set when Baz and Barth smacked their ball into the rough on the first – both however found their ball and managed to scrabble a net bogey (on a long Par 5) and start with a point. On the second the boys went one better when all three hit the green on a 180 yard par 3 (believe me history will record that hitting Par 3’s on this trip was a triumph in itself – though surprising no one took the money as Dogleg cashed in).
Baz, Barth and “Si” played steady and moved ahead of the group behind building a sizeable gap early in the round, although Jeff’s group did catch up late in the round and get a little held up (the main reason for this was the guys behind blobbing everything in sight!!!). A great par on the last hole by Barth, and a pair of blobs to finish from Baz saw both guys in with 30 points to confirm their place in the final four-ball
Joining them in the final group was Chris G (that’s Bloddie to you and I) who found conditions much tougher but a strong finish saw his post a respectable 25 points and remain in touch. Jeff also held onto his final four-ball berth despite a disastrous 18 points.
Playing alongside Jeff, Dill struggled to 17 points and as always struggled to understand directions………………………….On the long hole (over the bridge) Dill hits his second shot, on realising he had not seen it down he walked up to Jeff and Lard and asks where it went. “You see those three trees” said Jeff pointing about 50 yards straight ahead. “Yes” said Dill, “it is sitting somewhere between the second and third counting from the left”. “Ok” said Dill and duly walked off in a completely different direction about 45 degrees back across the fairway.
With the weather staying poor all day the competition was really on as Barth, Baz and Bloddie were separated by just four points. Having decided not to play on day two, (after his exertions with the crab…………) Lee was involved in a struggle for the wooden spoon with Locky, who completed his first round in 14 points. There had been some friendly banter before play that Locky may score more in two rounds than Lee in one, but this was now looking like an exceedingly unsound prediction………………..)
A few of the boys headed over to the Casino after dinner (with the Hughes boys surely the most cautious gamblers you have ever seen!!!) and then back to the hotel for what was going to be an early night! However on returning to the hotel Lard was conducting his annual quiz. Players split up across the teams and soon Team Essex and Team Wiltshire were doing battle on the field of knowledge.
There were a few interesting moments especially those featuring questions on South America, Central America and er…..
With most people going to bed there were a few die harders who decided to play a couple of hands of cards and have a final beer………………………..many hands of cards later – with Dogleg, Barth and Dill finishing much better off than they started the guys finally decided to call it a night………………..only it wasn’t it was morning !!! the time was
(Report by Barry Hughes)
The worst conditions in history !!!!
For some of the guys the day was always going to be tough having neglected to get to bed until 05:30,
with many of the drivers included in this group – new drivers were hastily agreed, then the difficult job started persuading Barth to be a passenger………………after some tough words job done and we headed off to the course. Andre – he of the working Sat Nav took the wrong turn and we headed south towards Paris and not North toward
Some 30 minutes before we were due to tee off we arrived at Windy Wimereux and had the voucher conversation again – Jeff I take my hat off to you – how did you keep your cool (especially after the lack of kip)
Only four players managed to get twenty points or more on a tough final day at Wimereux Links and with the best score of the day at just twenty five points it underlined just how tough conditions were! (in fact twenty five points equals the lowest ever best return of the day – set way back in 2001 as rainy London Hatfield)
The battle for the wooden spoon was a grand affair with Lee and Locky out together – the match went right down to the wire with Locky finally sneaking a 2 point victory and condemning Lee to last position on his official CCC debut.
Up ahead in the second group Dogleg was starting to play ok in the tough conditions – in his bid to win the CCC having got langered every night it began to look a possibility as the final four-ball started to deal in blobs! In the end Dogleg’s charge came to an end on the 13th hole – a Par 4 with the wind. After a pair of good tee shots both Dogleg and Dilly hit shots onto the green – however when they arrived at their balls it became clear that they had both hit each others balls…………………Dogleg’s frustration at this error resulted in a hoik off the next tee, a lost ball and the charge over – although his good play (best of the day score of 25 points) did allow him to sneak a podium finish and almost certainly secure his winter cup qualification!
“Si” followed up his Numptie Cup win over Lee, with the much prized scalp of Locky. Despite the match initially being awarded to Locky 1up, then halved, at the third count it was clear “Si” had taken the match 1up and therefore advanced to the numptie cup final (to play Jeff or the Gay Blade).
In the final grouping Baz and Chris made the best start on the first couple of holes closing the gap on Barth who (having stayed up drinking till
After a quick trip to the car after 9 holes and returning with some sweets……………(hmm is this another dope question?) Barth started to play like God!!! In very challenging windy conditions (at least a three club wind) he managed to score 19 points in the next 8 holes to turn the competition on its head. Baz who had led by 2 points from Bloddie at the turn fell away on the back nine posting eleven blobs for the final round but managing 16 points on the other seven holes to hang on to 4th place overall.
The other man to excel in the conditions was Bloddie who was tremendous all day off the tee and remarkably managed to score on seventeen of the eighteen holes played – having played alongside Bloddie I can vouch for how well he hit the ball off the tee and how well he played generally. In the end there was only one point between the two guys and if the final hole had not been 550 yards into the wind (with no shots for anyone) it may have been an even more interesting finish. In the end Chris had a fifteen foot putt from the fringe to take the game to extra holes…………..his ball just missed the hole on the high side and Barth finally secured the Cross Counties Claret Jug.
Chris managed a big 7&6 win over Barth in the team event but enough points were picked up by team Essex to maintain their overnight lead and take the cup by a single point (8-7). For the third straight year the cup was decided by a single point (with the overall score now one win each team – with one tied match)
All in all a fantastic trip – great venue and a great battle between Barth and Chris in difficult conditions – definitely a venue that will become part of the CCC rota.
Footnote as told by Jeff……………..
I have been charged an additional EUR 50 due to Mr Wray’s alcoholic first night. In fact this is how the receptionist at the hotel explained the additional cost to me today "Errh Mr Wray (note not "Si") has errh been charged errh 50 Euros for errhh……Throwing up in Le Bathroom".
Simon Can you please bring £38 with you next golf day to cove this cost that is appearing on my Barclaycard under Le Westminster and not Le Throw-up
And the last word from the chair………………
An excellent way to close the weekend!
A Captains innings or maybe more correctly outings:
Can Si stomach the additional costs?
Will the weekend throw up any more surprises?
Who has the guts to share with Simon next year?
Will they need a carrot enticement?
Any one for a pavement pizza?
I'll stop now as I am scraping the bottom of the bowel. It's all more le queasy than le cheesy!
Le Chaise d' grande fromage aka Saindoux
Sunday 22nd July 2007 – Essex Stableford
(Report by Jeff Hughes)
Deano shows how easy it is in
Unfortunately only a very small group were able to make it to
During the ritual coffee and bacon butties stories of Le Touquet started to be banded around, especially Baz doing his Andy (little britain surname) impersonation “I want one” “What is it” “Don’t Care want it”. Later in the day Baz was again heard saying the same thing but this time he was talking about points.
Well the groups for the day where Deano, Baz, The gay blade and Peng with the second group being Bloddie, Lard, Dilly and Jeff
The first group set off and on the 1st Deano hit a glorious approach to 5ft but missed his birdie putt - one of many very make able chance he missed on the day. However Andre did not do quite as well as he found the cabbages……………several times which turned out to be a feature of the day for him.
Lard then steps up to hit the ball straight into the rough just to the right of the tee, a feat he repeated immediately. Unfortunately for Lard (or Captain Reload as he was called on the day) he had an off day on the tee and in the interest of keeping things moving he would walk to each tee with a spare ball in his pocket. Of course this automatically made him carve his ball into the un welcome rough and result in him retrieving the said ball from his pocket and trying again.
On the 2nd Lard having a longish putt was asked by Dills if as well as attending the flag would he like a bell rung and a lighthouse beacon shone. Lard not responding to the taunt puts his putt 20 feet short and 10 feet left of hole whereby Lard indicates that the said lighthouse and bell would have been useful, to which Jeff replied “Bollocks you need a guide dog after that putt”
On the 3rd the hole designated nearest pin Deano hits a big tree on the left and watches the ball ricochet onto green, not only does he take the money for nearest the pin but sinks the putt for a birdie and the accompanying points.
The 4th hole and we have to let two hackers of the highest degree through as once again Captain Reload finds the rough. After the obligatory search of 5 minutes we gave up the search (something we done all day if anyone went into the rough) and as we battled our way out of the rough with so much grass sticking out of our shoes we looked more like a bunch of scarecrows than want to be golfers
Baz was going about his business nicely until he got to the 5th where he unfortunately found a bunker and ended up taking 3 strokes to get out, providing him with his first blob of seven in an 11 hole streak. It was to get worse for Baz as on the 6th as he asked for relief from a drainage ditch and then promptly fell over the same ditch.
The 6th hole a 220 yard par 3 sees Peng start to really click and he hits his shot pin high but 5ft left of pin. Now most of us would be pleased with this, but Pengs response was looks like that is a bit to the left. His good form continued on the Par 5 tenth when he went through the back with his second shot.
The rough was causing problems for everyone and if the ball went in it very rarely got found. This was not the case for Baz when on the 11th Deano actually found Bazers ball waist deep in the rough. Not liking the lie (well who would if you are trying to play a ball out of waist deep rough) Baz declares the ball unplayable and takes two club lengths relief, then comes out sideways, alas a shank and he is back into same cabbages by the tee. He would have been playing three further away then he was at the start but was saved by yet again losing his ball.
Well for the second group the golf was not much to talk about so on the 10th tee somehow the conversation turned to the new phrase being used for love handles, “muffin crust” where by Bloddie and Jeff looked at each other thinking out load that Lard was more like a four tier wedding cake than a muffin crust
The 12th hole just had to get a mention and woe be anyone who was on the wrong tier. After some good approach work Bloddie puts his ball just off back of green 6 foot from the pin and the feeling was he was about to click back into action. However his putt reached the hole, crept past it and then ran all the way down the slope and nearly of the green, an amazing feet as his 2nd putt was at least 4 times the length of his first.
Andre who was having a bad day at the office found it did not get any better as on the 15th he hits the pin with approach, however it made no difference it’s a blob!!! He was on his way to set a new cross counties record by beating the most blobs in a season, with two events still to go!!!! His new total of 70 blobs (in 8 rounds……….ouch!) surpasses the previous most which was held by…………………himself with 62!!!
Then on the 15th Peng hits his approach to 6 inches for a birdie…………….the boy is on fire and with three holes to play was just 1 point behind Dean. Unfortunately on the 17th Deano puts his tee shot on the 200 yard Par 3 to 4 foot and then sinks the putt, his second '2' of the day and the challenge from Peng was over.
Deano played glorious golf all day but on the 18th allowed Andre to talk him out of his original club he planned to hit and finished one club short of the pin………can you believe he listened to the gay blade!
With the first group gone and Dilly stepping up to the tee Lard happened to notice a squirrel in the 18th bunker twisting and turning and jumping in the sand. No doubt he was attempting to impersonate Dilly’s swing. However today was a day where the Dill monster controlled the swing and hit the ball well, instead passing the baton to Hughes Major who found parts of the golf course not on the map or come to think of it, not even in Essex.
The longest drive went to Bloddie ensuring Deano did not take all the prizes on the day. However he did not capitalise from a great drive as Jeff, Lard and himself all thought the hole was up on top of hill instead of down to the left and hit long shots deep into the cabbages, the result no surprise three lost balls.
Congrats to Deano for picking a great society course and a stonking win over the rest of the field. Also congrats to Peng for pushing him so far and taking second place.
Chairman’s Day
Prelude the mail exchange……………….
Fixtures
Tuesday, 21 August 2007
FA Cup Qualifying
Wootton Bassett Town v Highworth Town, Extra Prelim, 19:45
Blast from Barth’s past
To Hainault Upper where on a perfect sunny Saturday afternoon the good Burghers* of the Cross Counties Golf Society did once more take up the challenge of a long walk in the country spoiled.
*Burgher as in respectable citizen rather than Burger as in ‘with onions’.
Bacon and Sausage rolls plus tea filled most breadbaskets except for those arriving late who had apparently trough’d at Fleet services this possibly being a contributory factor to arriving late*. But no fear Hughes Major had got things organised, Hughes Minor finishing the tasks and off we went to bat.
*Master Wray apparently had a premonition about being late and then seemed determined to make this a self fulfilling prophecy.
The weather was a huge success, a more perfect day could not have been wished for and many started to eye up a few driveable holes with anticipation of a favourable bounce and run on. Would Hughes Major's record at Hainault be threatened?
Of those unable to participate is was great to see Locky before kick off if only to discuss the flock of Starlings he had been ‘painting’ repeatedly over the last few hours and Lee who showed up for the grub at the end (no comment). I should also mention that Barf was unable to attend due to his becoming a part time Estate (I’ll give you bloody Bijou) Agent (loads of comments but none that can be printed).
On the course Jeff placed himself firmly in the frame for the Platinum Golf Ball award whereby on the 8th tending the flag for a longish effort* from Andre watched said effort all the way only deciding it was going to hit him at the very last moment. A strange electric shock type movement skyward followed but all to no avail as he came back to earth on top of Andre's putt. The two ball allowed through earlier paused on the 9th tee to admire this with suitable Guffaws!
*I don't know about the other four balls but we as a collective did not manage to drop a single long one all day
Our four ball then decided (as the group behind had obviously gone off to play nine holes on the lower course being they were so far behind (what was that comment about slow play?)) to rest up at our ease at the tea shack. Teas, fodder and relaxing like fat cats in the sun we were only eventually brought out of our reverie by a distant cry as Steve's approach to the 8th started pinging around said tea shack.
Back to the round where, post mid round tea & buns, our four ball lost some momentum and none more so than Andre. Having found the right hand bunker on the 10th Andre plays a couple of 'going nowhere' shots before hitting a real fizzer overshooting the 10th green and the 11th tee before hitting tree's various and rattling around like a wasp in a bottle.
Whilst the rest of the troupe play out the 10th Blade Sniffer Andre seeks the ball but even he could not find it. And so to the 11th tee where Andre's tee shot pelts directly at a tree on the left only to thwack back across the fairway and into the aforementioned copse. Jeff goes in search and on hearing that a Calloway had been found Andre asks for more description. You've guessed it…'That's my ball from the 10th' says Andre.
I happen to see a green Woodpecker on the fairway at this point. The bird obviously decided on being in the open as less hazardous than anything of an arboreal nature.
Later at the 17th green in a 'dull' moment, waiting for others, Jeff throws up an unwanted ball and swishes at it with an iron. Having missed and then missed again this became something of a 'I'll bloody well show you' incident but try as he might the ball remained un-hit at Jeff's feet each time. Baz then happened to lob one in Andre's direction who without prior knowledge and with due calm and a certain amount of élan blatted the ball on the half volley into the middle of next year. S'easy really Jeff!
On the day and given the conditions Hughes Major decided that the 11th was definitely in range from the tee but proved us wrong by driving through the back of it! Plus I would say if second ball Provi's counted then the Hughes Brothers may well have showed better at the end as they planted monstrous three from the tee shots all around the back nine. However congrats go to Steve OOM winner with 36 points and NP Dilly, LD Deano although yours truly sat only some 15 yards back mid fairway but no cigar. Steve declared after wards that he had smacked his ball some fifty yards past Deano's effort but it was quickly pointed out that it counts for zilch if not on the cut stuff*!
* And I hasten to add the correct cut stuff as I believe Dilly's cry of 'fore right' on the 13th should have been 'fore more right' as it ended up not far short of the cut stuff two fairways away.
The Chairman's Plate yet again sits all square and we wait for round 2 between Bloddie and Deano before the spoils can be dished out.
The other battle Royale being played out on the day was Arsenal playing away at that pile over near Bruce Grove. The updates first brought gloom in our four ball on the 6th only to be followed by much rejoicing by the 8th as Arsenal won 3-1. Deano professed post match that he did not know he had so many Gooner fans as his mobile was red hot.
And so to the Chinese to finish where each course was devoured (I swear I heard Peng growl at the waiter when he asked to take the Duck bones away). And for afters we saw a short movie care of Peng, about what his neighbours do in their spare time. Ah! Suburbia.
pip pip
Chair