Incoming Captains Thoughts
Dear Golfing Chums,
Allow me to share with you all that I've just finished reading a rather good book. It covers the history of our small island from about 10,000 BC to present day. It's a big book, no pictures. But nowhere in this monster epic is the ‘not so beautiful game’ of golf mentioned yet it's this rather strange pursuit that pulls us all together at regular intervals. Personally speaking, our society days are events that I look forward too with relish and not just because we usually have a smashing fat boy’s fry-up on route! No, the main attraction is meeting up with you guys, catching up with news and generally taking the piss out of each other till our ribs hurt... oh yeah! We get to play some golf too.
This year the great honour of being society Captain has been bestowed on myself. An interesting fact from the afore mentioned book, back in the 18th century an army Captain was a commissioned position only afforded by the gentry and wealthy. It was absolutely no reflection on their ability as a commander or an organiser of men. In fact quite the reverse, they were mostly incompetent fools. You may draw some parallels with me as your Captain this year (though let me assure you no money changed hands for the honour, almost the reverse).
Anyway, enough of the history lesson stuff. Enjoy the round up of last year and let’s look forward to some fantastic 2007 fixtures. As ever, I’m sure we’re all particularly looking forward to the weekend , this year to be held in the land of our age old enemy - Frenchy. Some how I think this is going to be a messy one……
‘Si’
Matchplay Final : Baz v Chris
(07th October 2006 - Bletchingley Golf Club)
(report Barry Hughes)
The day started well – good breakfast, and good sunshine as Baz and Chris prepared for the Matchplay final.
The fourball was made up by Bryan Arthur (soon to be outgoing champion) and Brian Lock – making a rare appearance under the Cross Counties banner.
The course chosen for the final was Bletchingley Golf Club, and this proved to be an excellent venue and the course was in great condition.
The match began on the tenth tee and Chris started the better of the two players, playing a solid first hole taking a 1up lead. Baz responded by making a birdie four on the par five, 2nd to make the match all square. The next four holes saw Chris take a two up lead and on the sixth hole (the 15th) Chris had an excellent opportunity to move 3up but an unlikely up-and-down saw Baz get out of jail and remain only 2 down, this proved to be the first pivotal moment of the day as Baz managed to win the next hole and get back to one down playing the 9th (18th hole). After both players appeared to hit the ball OOB (only to find them in play) and then a further sequence of mis-haps Baz managed to hole out in bogey and sneak the hole (after Chris’s approach found the lake) so at the turn the match returned to all square.
Baz started the back nine in tremendous form, reeling off 3 straight pars to build a 2up lead, the highlight of these was the second (11th) when having hit his approach deep in the trees, he fired a 9-iron like a bullet which hit the flag (allegedly on its way back to the tee………….) the ball dropped down fifteen feet from the pin – the putt was duly converted and Chris – having been twelve feet from the hole in one missed the putt and the hole was halved).
The next hole was halved in bogey and with Baz 3up with five to play. Chris started to mount a comeback – a solid five on stroke index 1 (where he received his shot) reduced the deficit to two). The next hole was a long par five and both players found the fairway and hit solid approaches. Baz played his approach first and found the green (fifteen feet away). Chris hit an even better approach in to five feet and gave himself a chance to reduce the arrears further. Baz played first and hit a nice putt stone dead – duly conceded. Chris then pushed his putt past the left edge to remain two down with three to play – a good opportunity had been missed.
On the sixteenth hole (7th) a 234 yard par 3 Chris teed up and mis-hit his shot while Baz finished pin high approximately five yards right of the green (behind the bunker………………). A good second from Chris saw him find the green, however a missed putt from five foot allowed Baz to record a 3&2 win. The match was played in excellent spirit and a good standard was displayed by both players.
Saturday 18th March 2006 – Essex Stableford
(Report by Paul Mose)
Mosey makes hometown advantage pay
With Captain’s day 2005 a distant fading memory, the Cross Counties Golf Society reconvened for the 2006 season opener in picturesque
The day started with the opening meet and greet of friendly and familiar faces, over a nice breakfast. The groups were drawn and the open exchanges were about to begin in what proved to be a very close season with many contenders still in with a shout come Captains day in October.
After everyone had finished using the excellent practice facilities, the season proper was under way with Dave Morris (as Society Captain) to tee off with the ceremonial tee shot which officially opens the new season.
On to the Golf, with conditions that for the second year running at the Essex OOM, were very windy (more than Jeff’s Pants) and absolutely freezing
In Group 1 were Mosey, Si and Andre. With a very steady start Mosey set the early pace with a 9 over par front 9, the highlights being a birdie, which with one more roll of the ball would have been an eagle, an excellent par followed at the Spanish style Baranca, double dogleg and a further par was secured at the 8th hole (the island green………….) – this approach also set down an early marker for nearest the pin
Simon and Andre between them played some good bad and ugly golf. The now common place “Hello” from Simon as a topped shot rolled neatly down the fairway after what can only be described as consistency personified with almost every 3 iron tee shot finding the short stuff.
A special mention to Simon Wray who set a new society record……………….with only 8 points, well Simon a record is a record no one remembers who came second……………we will remember 8 points until someone else puts up such a number
On the Par 3 13th Andre declared “This should have been nearest the pin as it was an easier Hole”.With his tee shot took an almighty thrash at the ball, with went sailing nowhere near the hole. Then Mosey and Simon saw what he meant as the head of his 6 iron almost made the green. He then bemoaned that the hole was usually an 8 iron for him but did not have one due to a head flying off it last season. A common theme was about to unfold with Andre and broken clubs (See The weekend away and Kent OOM Reports).
Mosey made sure of victory with some very consistent putting from new signing, a Scotty Cameron putter, which was on a season long loan from fellow title contender Ronnie Giltjes, rounding off with a solid par at the last, which unknown at the time sealed the win.
Sunday 23rd April 2006 - Berkshire Stableford Match Report
(Report by Jeff Hughes)
Bronski Beat as Bazzer triumphs !
The day started for some in what can only be called a torturous journey from Wiltshire where a 1 in 10 look a like subjected “Si” to two hours of Bronski Beat?
A couple of questions, Andre?
Where did you find that Pink polo shirt?
Where did you find the CD?
And do you really enjoy this type of music?
Arranging the groupings this day was for some reason very difficult not helped by Lard being customary late and blaming the M25, as if, as well as the semi final of the FA cup being played which some small team near East Ham was involved in. Well the dust finally settled the grouping where agreed and the supporters of the small team near East Ham went off first, hoping that they would complete their round in time to see the game.
So the groups where
Group 1 – Mosey, Ricky, Dogleg
Group 2 – Barth, Andre, Dilly, Ronnie
Group 3 – Baz, Chris G, “Si”, Peng
Group 4 – Jeff, Lard, Dean, Lee
The first hole at the Millbrook looked on the card to be a quite simple par 5, that was until you saw that to reach the green you needed climbing gear and grappling hooks, which unfortunately was not communicated to Peng’s ball as his 7 iron approach form 150 yards did not quite reach the summit and rolled and rolled and rolled back down the hill 10 yards past him leaving him a tricky 160 yard approach shot up the mountain to the green. The first thing that comes to mind here is, Peng can now join the exclusive minus yardage club that to this point only had one member, a certain “Si” for the backhanded swing that hit the ball 100 yards back down the fairway. Good effort Peng.
With Chris Goodman seeing everyone suffering on the first he decided to employ the tactics of not needing his clubs and in front off the last group waiting to tee off, and the course official, Chris mounted his trusty steed buggy, gave a cheery wave and promptly drove off, only to be stopped by a crashing sound behind him as his bag of clubs clattered to the ground! "You might need some of those" and "Mind how you go" and "Careful there!" etc came the cries from those assembled along with "Tosser", and other such words of encouragement!
The first was going to be troublesome for more of us with people in Ronnie’s group being very surprised to see Ronnie hit his second shot of the game OOB and even more so to reload and hit the next to the same place, this was a feat that was also managed by Dean, maybe these guys had both watched Tin Cup the night before.
Not a great deal actually happened in the first group, probably as they where to busy singing renditions of “I am for ever blowing bubbles” as the little team won the semi final and would appear in a memorable FA Cup final against Liverpool only to be beaten by the brilliance of Steven Gerard.
The second group saw a mixed bag with Dilly once again demonstrating to us the laws of physics. On one hole what could only be described as a full sweeping swish with the driver saw Dilly miss the ball but have it propelled forward 2 feet by the displacement of the air. At this point a very p**sed off Dilly, tried to hammer the tee peg into the ground and of course missed it completely. When this was remarked on, Dilly pointed out that as he couldn't hit something the size of a ball how could we expect him to hit something the size of a tee! However within this group, Barth was quietly going about his business and accumulated 40 points which he must have thought it would give him a great shout at a win and although it was good, it only got him as high as third as the second place spot slipped through his fingers on the dreaded count back.
So on to Group 3 and first I have to apologise for hitting a monster drive on the first whilst this group where still trying to get up the hill, no doubt I would not have pissed them off if Peng could have made his ball get to reach the summit.
This group not only had the eventual winner of the day, Statto himself but also seemed to have the most incidents. Unfortunately the horrors of the first plagued Peng all day as on the very tricky sixth which had that nasty pond in front of the green Peng hit his approach to the green and at first it looked good but, it’s wet, following the Tin Cup tradition already exhibited by some of the guys on the first he reloaded and once again it looked good but, wet again. However more trouble was to come as Peng’s drive on the 11th failed to reach the summit of mini Ben Nevis and once again rolled all the way back down the hill to his feet, a similar achievement was to be accomplished by Bazzer. Following this the final group also had the discomfort of watching Peng struggle to push the daddy of all trolleys up the mountain of a hill. This feat however was outdone by “Si” as Chris beached the buggy and had to ask “Si” to get out and give it a push!!
The 10th hole was to prove to require local knowledge as more than 1 person decided to take more club than necessary hit the cliff behind the green and by navigating all the rabbit burrows would roll back down the hill with the ball coming to rest quite close to the hole, thus providing a gettable birdie chance.
One final lesson we should all learn from this group which was supplied by Peng. When there is obstacles in front of us, in this case a fence, it is better to play around the obstacle than try to play through it, all that happens is you find the ball, if you are lucky, behind you, which does raise a chortle in the group but does not help your score. Thanks for the advice Peng.
The final group was no where near as eventful but had some noteworthy points due to the style and panache of Lee. Our initial perception was his dress sense was suspect as he arrived in a jumper that would not look out of place in a gay disco, or on Andre……………..on to the golf, Lee was hitting the ball off the tee down the middle however if we thought Dilly fell off the shot, Lee took more steps backwards than Curtly Ambrose used to use as part of his run up.
With Baz racing along, the nerves began to tell and on the 14th he spent ages looking for his glove, which was eventually found by Chris correctly located on his hand!! Baz get a “grip”. Then on the Par 3, 15th he hit his approach to 8 feet to set up a birdie opportunity…Chris then calmly asked if he had played the correct ball as he thought Baz had hit his Provy. With Baz now getting worried and looking at what he thought would be a two shot penalty, Chris confessed he was winding Baz up. (Rules Secretary - Baz it would not have been a two shot penalty as long as you had played the hole out with that bal……………..are you sure about that? Ed.)
The 6th was a troublesome hole for this group as first Lee hit his tee shot well right and then proceeded to follow that with his provy. He luckily found both balls and because his first ball was on someone else’s green decided to play his provy. Well he hit a great shot and had visions of a par or bogey. Walking up the fairway towards Jeff with a beaming smile he asked if he had done the right thing only to be told that his Par had turned into a blob as he was now playing 5 as he should have used his first ball. Dean and Lard also came unstuck here with first Dean laying up short of the pond only to put his chip into the drink, followed by Lard attempting to lay up short and hitting his best shot all day, and yes you guessed it straight into the drink.
On a final note the day was won by Baz, followed by Dean then Barth with all 3 boys getting scores in the 40’s which was a great achievement as the course was tough so well done guys but all in all it was a great day. Hopefully Lee will not bring his suspect clothing to
Saturday 28th May 2006 – Wiltshire Stableford
(Report by Bryan Arthur)
A Grand day out as Dogleg brings home the Bacon
It was a dark and stormy night!.................This was followed by quite a pleasant morning whereupon the serried ranks of the Cross-Counties gathered for the Wiltshire golf day in sunny
Baz and his group set an early standard by intimating that a sign on the ladies tee read "if you don't drive past here you're a c**t". This of course coincided with Mosey playing from that very spot. If the group are to be believed, then Mosey has a career in the timber industry looming as it seems he met nearly every tree on the course. Whilst he was talking to the natural world
“Peng's approach on the 18th green actually finished closer than Dean's approach on the 9th!!! As such,
Baz tried to advise his group and was heard on the third to suggest the secret for the day was being able to hit the ball straight (master of understatement this boy!). He then hit his ball straight - straight left under a tree that is, and finished the hole with a class-leading blob.
The second group of the day included Military Dilly, left right left right etc.. Reports suggest that Tony is now taking divots so large that Donnington has applied for planning permission and hopes to make a new swimming pool out of one! Chairman Lard, always one to make an impression, indeed did. Being of friendly nature waved at Jeff (no mention of how many fingers waved) and in waving slapped Dilly, who was standing beside him. Also of note in this group is Lard’s choice of ball, Callaway agoraphobics (scared of open spaces!).
Bringing up the rear we had Hard-Hat (please insert your own joke here), Dogleg, Barth and the man with no (nick) name. Although this group didn't yield much comedy it was highlighted by Dogleg pleading with his ball in flight to avoid water, which to the astonishment of all did a Dambusters bouncing ball moment, as it bounced several times on the water before leaping onto the green and running through the back. It should be added that the author rained on the Lard’s parade by nicking nearest the pin from him by a tiny margin. Congrats also to the Dill for taking longest drive. So another day passes (strangely with no funnies about Jeff) and we look forward to the next encounter and hopefully a full turnout of combatants.
Hurrah for all!
Cross Counties Cup 2006 (24-27th June)
Friday 24th June (Button Course – Matchplay/Practise Rounds)
(Report by Jeff Hughes)
Arthur gets handicapped at Extra hole !
First before we can even talk golf I have to mention Lee. He must have thought he was either coming to
The actual practice round started at the Travel Lodge hotel at approx 2am in the morning where Jeff and Bazzer played in the annual hotel putting competition. (Previous winners of this event have been
So on to the practice day, which this year had a bit of serious edge as a number of quarter final match play games where being played and the big guns where definitely out in force. Before the first ball was hit a small presentation was made on the 1st tee to Andre for turning up to the weekend with the gayest tash and he was awarded three Pink Pinnacle golf balls, which unfortunately did not make it around the course. Never mind he was presented with 9 more the next day…………..more worrying was the fact that Niall chose to buy twelve pink balls himself !!!
Bazzer used up his best golf of the weekend in his matchplay to eventually beat Dogleg 2&1. The turning point of this game was the 14th with Bazzer in the rough and by a bush and Dog Leg safely in front of the green, he must have been thinking he had the hole and would be going 2 up with four to play. However Bazzer played a tremendous audacious back handed shot which found the green and allowed him to level the match. Dog Leg was seen walking around all night shaking his head in disbelief. But was the head shaking aimed at some other more disturbing events of the evening………………
In the second group a great matchplay game was being held, Niall v Jeff, apologies it was actually the battle of the heavyweights Barth “The Unbeatable” v “Rocket” Ronnie. The match was just what you would expect from the best two golfers in the society and with Barth 4 up with 6 to play, Ronnie went on a winning streak finsihing on the 18th to square up the match. This meant Barth continues his match play run of never losing over 18 holes and the boys went out to play extra holes. After 2 extra holes the match was over and Barth came home with the bacon and looked to collect his prize later…. Jeff and Niall where also tussling away with Niall providing the outburst of the round, after another poor shot he demonstrated his need for better anger management by slamming his club into the ground and shouting “Why Do I take this game seriously”, we actually never knew you did but thanks for the laugh. The match eventually went to Jeff with a victory of 5 & 4.
There was one key match still out on the course “Si” v Lard. “Si” was trying desperately hard to win his first ever matchplay game and he gave Lard a real run for his money. Before I come to the score there where some notable points, in this game. Incredibly one of the winning scores on a hole was made by Lard with a score of 10 and I have been suitably informed by Statto that this is a society record.
This group also contained what was the shot of the day “Si” putting his tee shot on the Par 3, 16th to two feet; unfortunately he had already had an air shot on the tee but needles to say top shot “Si”. “Si” was finally beaten by Lard 2&1. However controversy followed the Lard in matchplay once again, as both “Si” and Lard had marked the score using the incorrect stroke index (the women’s index I believe). With the tension in the air, the scores where reassessed it become clear that the match had ended all square and therefore they should go out and play extra holes. “Si” had not lost this match and there was a real chance that the momentum may have swung in his favour, but as correctly pointed out by “Si”, who was now supping a pint of bitter he could not give an ass (not the only ass of the weekend he displayed) and as they had shaken hands on the course the result had to stand. In fact “Si” did announce in the bar later that the reason he had lost was due to the cystitis he was experiencing, what I think he actually meant to say is he was piss poor, or did he really mean he had sciatica?
In the final match of the day Andre was competing against Ricky and as you may remember Andre was presented with some little pink balls at the start of the round. It was either these little pink pinnacles or his rippling muscles that proved to much for his 5 iron, as yet another one of Andres clubs bit the dust leaving Andre with a 3,4,7, and 9 iron in his bag. If it carries on this way Andre would be sure to win a three club challenge. However regardless of Andre being three clubs down he still had to much in his bag for Ricky and he finally came through 3 & 2
As evening descended into the usual drunken squab Lee decided it was time for him to go to turn in before the whisky gang really got started, only to have to return to reception 5 minutes later as he could not remember what room he was in. We had to ask how he intended to find a door 3 foot wide when he could not find a bloody fairway 100 yards wide all afternoon. Good show Lee.
The final word of the evening (or should that be drawing) was made by “Si”………… who decided that Dean’s bedroom wall was not decorated correctly………………so clever use of the local freebie pencil, another whisky and a donkey was duly drawn on the wall, which allowed us to play a quick game of pin the tail on the donkey which I believe was won by Barth…..
Saturday 25th June 2006 – Mackenzie Course (Round-1)
(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)
Dogleg takes an early lead……………but wait for the whiskey to kick in !
The morning began early for most folk with breakfast in the hotel and a few jokes about the battle ahead and the night before……………..(well so I’m told as Tony and Baz missed breakfast and almost lunch, and thankfully were awoken by our considerate colleagues 45 mins before the tee time) actually 5 days after the golf trip Baz turned on his mobile phone and had a message from Simon Wray advising it was 10:30 am………… hmmm must turn that phone on more often!!!!
As the first round of the 2006 Cross Counties Cup began, The Chairman made the following observation………
“I watched the effects of the previous evening's alcohol as each person stooped to place a ball on the first tee to many groans and murmurs but none demonstrated the DT's more than Baz. He opened a tin of tees but dropped one (no a tee I mean), stooped to pick it up whereupon he dropped two more, stooped to retrieve these only to drop several more from the open tin.
This could have gone on for sometime until I suggested putting the lid back on the tin! This juggling act was kept in the family when later Jeff took a slug or three from my hipflask of Spice Rum dropping the top, the cover and all the little cups that go with it in a fairly spectacular manner. Jeff was actually heard to remark that he was still “so pissed from the night before, that the ball was moving on the tee and green and oh how he needed more sleep"
Dogleg became the early pace setter with a best of the day 37 points, and a few nearest the pin prizes for good measure. Barth opened with a steady 36 points and Dean completed the top three with 35 points. A special mention also goes to the chairman who hit a fine 107, and 31 points – which was a new personal best in medal and Stableford.
Some note worthy moments from the opening days play included Ricky (the 28 handicapper ?) hitting the ball superbly on his way to 28 points, the best of these shots was his approach into the 5th green, it was all of 200 yards and having not expected to hit it quite so well he had played before the green cleared…………his playing partners were too stunned by the quality of shot that there was no cry of fore, and the ball duly came to rest on the green after a ricochet from doglegs ankle.
On the 5th hole Simon played up the rough to the right (so actually on the 3rd hole……), and wandered into range of the tee, he waved to let us know he was there. This was promptly followed by three successive calls of "Fore Right" as each of the 3 players who waited while he lumbered into range, missed him by centimetres.
On the 6th hole Lee managed to hit tee shot further than the ladies, whilst this is a very small point it is still worthy of note, as this proved to be the highlight of Lee’s Front Nine ! The group were then given the hurry up on the 10th tee by a steward………….despite the guys waiting for the group in front to get out of the way so that they could tee off.
On the 14th hole Bryan was so engrossed in his game that he did not notice Baz move the tee pegs back, just for a second we almost convinced him that he had indeed teed off from in front of the tee box (if only he had hit the ball cleanly and left the tee in the ground the evidence would have been conclusive)
Bringing up the rear on day one was Simon and Lee with the total of 17 points, in fact Lee was lucky that Mosey decided the back nine on day one was the time to try and coach Lee into great things……………….ok simple things. Mosey had so much success with the coaching that Niall was heard to quote “Lee now begins to hit the ball like a golfer with a handicap, rather than a golfer with a handicap.
Jeff continued to lose his balls, Pro V's, through-out the round but none in such a daft manner as on the 16th where waiting to tee off, Jeff played a little cricket with Ron.
Ron, bowling from the club house end, throws up a dolly which Jeff crashes off the tee and into rough never to be found again. "Never mind" Jeff says to Ron after they both give up looking, "Shame it was your ball" and Ron does no more than point at his tee already set with ball, for Jeff to say "*$$^%&(&**!!!"
Dogleg became the early pace setter with a best of the day 37 points, and a few nearest the pin prizes for good measure. Barth opened with a steady 36 points and Dean completed the top three with 35 points. A special mention also goes to the chairman who hit a fine 107, and 31 points – which was a new personal best in medal and Stableford.
Some note worthy moments from the opening days play included Ricky (the 28 handicapper ?) hitting the ball superbly on his way to 28 points, the best of these shots was his approach into the 5th green, it was all of 200 yards and having not expected to hit it quite so well he had played before the green cleared…………his playing partners were too stunned by the quality of shot that there was no cry of fore, and the ball duly came to rest on the green after a ricochet from doglegs ankle.
On the 5th hole Simon played up the rough to the right (so actually on the 3rd hole……), and wandered into range of the tee, he waved to let us know he was there. This was promptly followed by three successive calls of "Fore Right" as each of the 3 players who waited while he lumbered into range, missed him by centimetres.
On the 6th hole Lee managed to hit tee shot further than the ladies, whilst this is a very small point it is still worthy of note, as this proved to be the highlight of Lee’s Front Nine ! The group were then given the hurry up on the 10th tee by a steward………….despite the guys waiting for the group in front to get out of the way so that they could tee off.
On the 14th hole Bryan was so engrossed in his game that he did not notice Baz move the tee pegs back, just for a second we almost convinced him that he had indeed teed off from in front of the tee box (if only he had hit the ball cleanly and left the tee in the ground the evidence would have been conclusive)
Bringing up the rear on day one was Simon and Lee with the total of 17 points, in fact Lee was lucky that Mosey decided the back nine on day one was the time to try and coach Lee into great things……………….ok simple things. Mosey had so much success with the coaching that Niall was heard to quote “Lee now begins to hit the ball like a golfer with a handicap, rather than a golfer with a handicap.
Sunday 25th June 2006 – Button Course (Round 2)
(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)
Slow Play ? What are you talking about the football is on !
On the course this was a special day – which began with the annual Jeff & Mosey barney, although strangely Jeff was arguing with Dogleg about pairing when Mosey got the hump, the essence of the argument was players out with the same folk, despite this having been determined by those people most determined to see the football. I don’t know will there ever be a weekend of blissful harmony (perhaps that is why we are called the CROSS counties golf society!). As intimated above the keen football watchers were out first with Mosey stating that he would walk in at 15:45 if the game was slow. This was not looking good as we waited 20 minutes on the 6th tee due to 4 'ladies' in front getting lost. Slagnav required. Comments concerning why are they not cooking the dinner and who allowed them on the course etc abounded.
On the course Dogleg posted an excellent 39 points and was starting to look good for adding the Cross Counties cup to his 2003
The alternate headline to this round Dilly tried to kill me on the 17th!
By trying to smack his golf ball in trees on the 17th green, Dilly produced a quality shank, with the ball flying head high like a rocket and missing Baz by inches – the shock of this near death experience (well it seemed like that) caused a hand shaking activity that was to last for many minutes! In the evening the annual quiz was again won by Team Wiltshire in a commanding and dominant manner – and with a two point lead overnight in the golf, the boys saw this as an omen for the final day’s action.
The final activity of the evening included some of the guys (ok…..me) deciding that if we to keep Dean and Dogleg up till 3 am by drinking whisky, in their room - it was only right and proper to wake up the other principal contender,
The Barth man, So at 3 am in the morning bashing on the door and wall took place (Lard who unfortunately had to endure this as Barth’s room mate was heard to mutter , once funny, twice comical timing, 3 – 8 times, taking the piss – Baz seen bashing on the door like a wild animal). As a footnote Simon Wray re-created his picture of the Donkey – this time in the corridor !!!
Monday 26th June 2006 – Mackenzie Course (Round 3)
(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)
The Whisky has kicked in…………………….
The hopes for the last day would be a duel in the Sunshine, however having had 3 days of glorious weather the rain came, stayed a while and then decided to make a day of it! The only man to really revel in the conditions was Dilly but more of that later.
The pairings were announced and after the non slow play of the day before (inspired by the
Not content with fine golf Dilly also provided some humour when his approach to the second was hit beautifully – 150 yards away, just one tree between him and the green (but 50 yards away) a glorious 7 iron into the one horizontal branch, with the ball returned exactly back to Dilly’s feet – a fine shot and not an easy trick to repeat, although Mosey tried his best – by smacking his ball in the trees most of the day!
In the battle for the claret jug, the event was almost over before it began, with Dean opening with four pars and twelve points (a tally not bettered by the other three players combined, so they began to discuss heading back to the club house and out of the rain) as the challenge of Barth, Dogleg and Ronnie seemed a million miles away, In fact Dogleg fell away so badly, posting a meagre low 20’s score, but hanging on to 3rd place by the skin of his teeth as the field was not able to capitalise on his collapse probably something to do with the weather (then again so was the collapse).
As the match progressed Barth was the only player to comeback and mount a challenge and on the 17th tee Dean’s lead was down to three points. The pressure showed as Dean put his first OOB and watched Barth smash one up the middle. Dean followed by smashing his Provisional miles right and lost the ball. If Barth could make par and record three points they would go to the last all square. Barth hit his third into the green it was looking interesting, however instead of hitting the heart of the green the ball somehow found its way into the bunker. Unfortunately Barth was unable to get the ball out close and a sigle point allowed Dean the luxury of a two point lead withy one hole to play. With the pressure eased Dean pared the last.
Congratulations to Deano who became the fifth winner in the last five years and in his debut season!!!!! Elsewhere on the course Lee was further exhibiting his talents, ok his deficiencies and on the 5th Niall scooped his lob wedge gently towards Lee and made a courtesy call of "Fore". Lee failed to take cover or even try to see where the ball was coming from, but instead demonstrated an interpretation of reacting to danger through the medium of Morris dancing, lets move on !!!!
On the 7th hole Lee decided to show he was also in touch with his feminine side by teeing up on the Ladies tee, he then ignored numerous hints that he may want to assess his ball placement, the penny finally dropped after the other members of the group teed up elsewhere. On the 8th tee Niall tried to outdo Lee, by teeing up facing the wrong way on a par 3, Lard and Lee felt it would be amusing to keep quiet, but "Si" broke ranks and corrected Niall (arghh!!!!!, what could have been). “Si” was rewarded on the 9th by making a 45 foot putt to save a point "Monster", "You had to be there to see it" & “unbelievable” are just two words associated both with Si's putt and Lee's dress sense.
On the 17th hole Simon was so desperate for nicotine that he drove his buggy back to Dilly for a light, in spite of the fact that Dilly had asked him for a light earlier, having not received a light Simon took this out on Lard, by driving the buggy off with Lard half in - half out, Simon thought Lard had taken seat (perhaps this explains why he misses greens). On the 18th hole Niall hit the pin with his approach from 100 yards, the pin went on to the front foot and plays a perfect square drive off the green into the rough (special thanks to Niall for all his information ref the last days play).
In the team event team Wiltshire managed to hang on to the trophy, ok I know there isn’t actually a trophy! With Lard scoring the vital point in a drawn match (10.5 points all) – Well done Lard and well done team
And finally!............................On way home “Picture a Petrol Station on the M4, an old boy who had already parked the wrong side of the pump and was struggling to pull the hose over the car. It was close to pulling the hose out of its socket, giving up the old boy getting virtually reeled in his apparent embarrassment was extenuated when he realised Lard, Jeff, Lee and Niall were all pointing and laughing.”
All in all a great weekend – cheers guys and looking forward to the next.
Sunday 23rd July 2006 – Kent Stableford
(Report by Tony Dillien)
Deano makes everyone green with envy as he records maiden win!
As the morning clouds gathered lighting overhead it soon became clear that the sun was not going to be the only (w)ray absent on this venture out by the now renowned golfing group. As normal, this fine body of men gathered in the canteen supping coffee and eating bacon rolls apart from Bazzer as I forget his Sausage one (sorry Baz). During this time the groups were sorted while Andre decided he would go and look for a couple of second-hand clubs to replace the ones missing from his armoury, having not seen the ones he wanted he decided to buy a complete new set and bag, way to go !!!!
Now having made our way to the 1st tee it was noted that Dean and Ron had identical shirts on, was this “buy one get one free”. Not being out done Andre also had a matching shirt, unfortunately this was the same as Dean’s Incredible Hulk head cover (where did he get that). The golf soon commenced with Dilly, Baz and Mosey off first, with Dilly doing his usual scuff 50 yards along the ground. Not to be outdone by this super effort Baz put his second shot on the par 5 2nd through the back of the green, what strength!!
As they plodded merrily on their way Dilly got inspired and holed a monster 50 ft putt on the 5th this began a scoring streak of 11 points through the next five holes. The 13th proved a tough test for Baz as he found a near impossible lie in the greenside bunker which he masterfully escaped from…..however the ball went 50 yards long, he then proceeded to hit his lob wedge back to vertically the same spot…….me thinks a blob ! Meantime Mr Mose was quietly scoring two points on each of the first five holes on the back 9, by a different way each time. Dilly’s putter continued to work its magic and a 40 footer on SI-1.
Meantime the motley crew of J Hughes, Barth, Andre and Niall were ______ the fairways. On the 2nd Brian announcing he was going to play the hold Boof Boof, hmmm, more like Boof Poof as he duffed his second. This must have done something to Andre as he suddenly pulled out his shiny new 5 iron, with a swoosh of the club, everyone looked in awe as the head flew quite freely down the fairway some say further than the ball, this guys ball striking (or is that club breaking) is something else. The 4th was Jeff’s downfall as he came out of a greenside bunker and into another on the opposite side of the green, before taking a further 3 shots only to put his ball back in the original bunker. This must have got to him as when the rain started to fall he quickly put his jumper on but alas forgot to take this clubs of his shoulders. Niall was not to be outdone and got his own back by farting on the 11th green in a down wind direction towards his playing partners forgetting he then had to walk that way to make his 4th putt which he missed, is this justice?
Andre was not to be outdone, and delivered a glorious hook, he hooked a ball so far left it was decided a call of “fore” was not needed but a school crossing would be more appropriate. On the par 3 16th Niall cracked………..after he hit the fence and the ball disappearing into the bushes next to the bags he rotated like a spinning top out of control seeing what he could hit before taking his frustration out on the stinging nettles with his 6 iron………………still taking the game too seriously Niall !
On the 18th Barth hit his tee shot so far left onto the 17th fairway he looked at his yardage chart to see how far he had to go, me thinks a Tom Tom would have been more helpful. Dog Leg was also having his problems on the 18th as his tee shot landed in a bush on the pond line not more than 20 yards from the tee, noting the ball was unplayable he dropped the ball with his back to the water watching it roll back to him, as he stepped out of the way (backwards) oh so close to the booty, having survived this scare he then steps back again on this practice swing getting even closer, how tempting just to offer a little nudge.
Finally my congratulations go to Dean for his superb victory and to Andre for breaking another club……………..this time a new one…………… on a day which I hope was enjoyed by all.
Monday 11th September 2006 – Chairman’s Day
(Report by Dave Abbott)
The fat lady is not yet singing……as mosey steams into contention!
Well I think that went alright, don't you?
A bright blue sky and plenty of sunshine. A top 'ol brekkie (Peng you missed a good one). A fairly interesting course and we were well looked after in terms of service etc.
Well done to Paul for a stonking 42 pointer and a well done to the team pair winners and respective Matchplay winners myself not being included albeit I took Hughes J to the 17th before capitulating. I would like to thank all those who helped me get the day together not least young Chris for collecting the shekels as my breakfast was getting cold and Mosey and Jeff for the scoring.
Also a big thank you for dipping into your respective sky rockets. The bus stop I run plus a generous donation of 50% of the NP and LD winnings (thank you Mosey plus for the extra quid and to Barf even though he was not given the option) gave us a round £50 for the Society charity-Macmillan Nurses. That with the prospect of a couple more bawbees as the Chairman's Plate is still to play care of the Ships Cat not being able to make the event.
I note I am to hand in my Buffer Man superhero suit as Mosey informs me the shearers have been out. Cut 1.2 to 28.3 means an effective handicap of 28. Wait a minute that means I'm a real boy! Furthermore I note the OOM is gently simmering pending the final round. Can Deano hold on, he dare not look over his shoulder and what of the other podium positions?
My day started with a quick nip to the bushes to off load the coffee while Tony was prepping for the off. Fortunately he didn't as he was standing on the 7th! Ricky made himself useful as Deans bag bitch and I watched Jeff play a shot out from half way up a tree, his ball being stuck twixt said tree and a bunker. That's a real bunker. Was we expecting Germans this far inland? Baz played an outrageous 5 wood bump and run from the base of a tree on the 13th (I think), that bumped and run some 150 yards or so and came to rest on the green just feet from the pin! Barth did not intend to go unseen into wooded areas given his new golf shoes and Baz inadvertently referred to two phrases from the archives and forgive me to those who don't go back this far but to those who do we got an All Day All Day Long and a mind the bounce reference at the same hole!
Chairman Lard.
Saturday 18th March 2006 – Captain’s Day Stableford
(Report by Barry Hughes)
It’s Chris at the Double……………Twice!!!!
The last event of the year started with the final committee meeting of the year where the lucky committee members munched away at their breakfasts whilst attempting to deal with the complex Cross Counties Golf Society issues.
On the course two immediate highlights, (a) Peng on the range who produced a classic 90 degree hoik across the car park……….(b) the skipper – Dog leg hitting the first tee shot (a ceremonial shot) in play and down the right hand side of the fairway.
Such a shame he could not repeat the trick when it mattered during the competition, when a 3 wood was deposited 25 yards to the right into a lake – nice !
Further humour was to be had on the tee when Barth was advised by many players that they would be playing him for the Chairman’s plate, initially Bryan seemed delighted by the nominations but became more confused through the next ten minutes,
Si announced to the watching folk today would be a watershed in his golf career – he would not blob any holes, then one hole later he refined this bold statement to “not blob anymore holes” (after blobbing the first!!) alas this too was not possible and Si headed towards the back of the pack. Undeterred Si managed to break his 7 iron leaving a void of two clubs (from 6 to 9 in his bag, good work………….i think he is playing too much golf with Andre………….Ed
On the 8th Lard declared that there was a nice rainbow just forming, to which Jeff replied “I went out with a girl who knew Jeffrey from Rainbow”, which was quickly followed up by Chris Goodman with the quip, “Yes but she looks more like Bungle”.
Also on the 8th Lard hit a putt from the front of the green to almost the back of the green, a good 20 feet past the hole, this putt was officially recorded as also longer than "Si"s drive on the same hole and very close to being longer than his second as well. On the 16th hole Lard had finally worked out the green were fast………… so was not to be fooled from 3ft, and duly left it halfway, are the joys of the wonderful game!
Baz started well from tee to green, however three putting five of the first six holes had a huge impact on the scoring, knowing the first blob was always going to kill the card and it did, as did the second blob, third blob, fourth blob etc ! Dogleg also had an indifferent start but came back well on the final nine. The defining shot was in to the par 3, after hitting a real dick of a tee shot the ball went straight into the front of the lake, and bounced, and bounced, and bounced. Four bounces later, the ball leapt to the front of the green and rolled down to eight feet – a remarkable result, and a nearest the pin………..Outrageous! (and something we had seen before at
The lucky winners of the day were presented with some very dodgy looking, and tasting hooch by Dog Leg, let’s hope everyone survived the experience. The day was won by Chris, who joined Baz as a double winner on the famous London Hatfield Old course, which after 4 visits is becoming a regular haunt for the society. Chris has become an old hand at winning Captain’s day, with his second in a row. Despite his problems out on the course Dog leg and his bouncing bomb golf ball managed to pip Dean to second place with 30 points – taking the spoils on count back.
And finally……………………..the Chairman Lard made his debutant today in his own competition (Chairman’s Plate) and managed to hold the mighty Barth to an all-square match!!!! (not the first time the Lard has taken Barth on and shared the spoils……………….Ed). Alas once the match was replayed a 7up victory was duly recorded and Barth added another gong to his bulging cabinet……………….
Thursday 26th October 2006 – Society Competition (Millbrook)
(Report by Barry Hughes)
Cross Counties team do the boys proud in a gallant effort…….
The Cross Counties Society entered their second team competition, this time at Millbrook Golf club and despite the unavailability of Paul Mose and Dean Skinner were still able to field a strong quartet consisting of Bryan Arthur, Dave Morris, Barry Hughes & Jeff Hughes.
After being given an early morning tee time, the ‘travellers’ Baz, Bryan and Dave ventured to Millbrook the night before and decided to partake in a few beers and whiskys, a time honoured tradition to warming up before a golf even, the Travelodge open where Bryan finally came out on top after all players had managed to win a four round competition……….to be fair Barth’s pitch down the corridor from 20 yards to a stone dead finish was a fine strike, especially after beer and whisky!
On to the serious stuff, the format was for Cross Counties to go out as a four ball – ¾ handicap and the best x2 stableford scores on each hole to count. A poor start where only Dogleg was able to bogey the opening Par 5’s meant a poor return of only 6 points on the opening couple of holes, however from this point on Jeff played his best golf in yonks to put some good numbers on the board.
Baz produced a comic moment to emulate the deeds of Andre and Simon on the second, and only just missed out on golden golf ball nomination. He put his tee shot by a tree on the second, after much deliberation the plan was hatched – a punch shot, with 6-Iron stopping the club on impact would see the ball progressed down the fairway and a reasonable approach into the green in three. However a perfection strike down on the ball resulted in a six iron breaking, not like Andre and Simon where the club head flew off but a perfect snap of the shaft, dead centre and a jarred paw! Nice start favourite club – brown bread.
Having begun with two blobs and a broken club Baz’s round could only get better and it did with a birdie, three pars and a bogey in the next six holes supplementing the other boys in putting some
good numbers on the board. The steady scoring by all players continued through the turn until the twelfth, when Plan A went for a
saw one of only four holes on the day where one player did not make par, but a couple of bogeys settled the team down and kept the score nice and tidy.
A solid contribution on all holes up to seventeen was made by most players, and a birdie / par haul on the seventeenth enabled the team to move to the final hole with a reasonable opportunity of contributing a decent total. Alas with the eighteenth hole doubling as the longest drive, a mix of tee shots were delivered and again a slightly disappointing return of only three points was achieved. All in all a solid return on 86 points was enough to see the Cross Counties as the club house leaders.
Much to the disappointment of the team who wanted to go home, as each team came in so the points looked better and better until 3 hours after the round the final group came in with 87 points to pip the CC by a single point and relegated us to a disappointing but creditable second place……………………………..and to rub salt in the wound we discovered the team that pipped us by a point were members!
The highlight of the wait in the bar was Barth’s challenge to Baz on the number of signatures required for the card (having not been asked to sign himself) – all players then identified they had not been asked to sign the card and Baz confessed he had indeed forgot to do this very important detail…………………….thankfully the club were not to strict and allowed our second place to stand. Barth himself was convinced a three hour wait would be rewarded with a disqualification !
The Chairman speaks…………………………..
Introduction:-
The sun beats down upon a bleak wind swept quadrangle somewhere in Albion, exact location secret and basically who would want to know - for it has been home for the last year to The Cross Counties Queens own Brigade. A more fearless and respected troupe frankly could be found almost any where including in the Dagenham Girl Pipers, but there it is, we are stuck with them.
Now let us zoom in as there appears to be activity, there are Privates on Parade (insert obvious double-entende of your choice)…..
Short-House: Quiet!!!!!!!!! Ok you slovenly lot. Ahhhhtenshun!
Come on let's be having you.
Get those drivers straight.
Clean your balls.
Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeesssssssssseeeeeeeennntt Yardage Charts!
Right then! Pay attention! Officer on parade!
General Sir George Spanking Lard DSO and Bar(king mad): Thank you Sergeant Major Short-House.
General Lard: Well men! And here I use the term very loosely. In fact as loosely as the straps holding Private Goodman's weapons to his jeep.
I am addressing you today with regards your performance on duty this year, ahead of the passing out parade. No! Not that kind of passing out, Private Dilly-Can someone pick him up? I mean the passing out done at the end of the tour of duty where various members of the ranks receive their respective honours and all are bedecked and resplendent in their best finery suitably buffed. Short-House! A word to the Quartermasters stores: Private Clothier is in need of a new Hard Hat and Private Elliot appears to have enough kit for the whole platoon.
However before we move on the Provost has asked for a few moments of your precious time.
Provost: Right you 'orrible lot. Personally I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. I have never known a tardier, drunken bunch of no hopers. You make me sick just having to stand here and look at you! F**k me, what a f*****g rabble… (Continues tirade in similar disposition for what feels like hours until veins in the head protrude).
General Lard: Well! Er? Thank you for those well chosen words. I am sure you all feel duly invigorated. For those at a loss as to what some of the words meant please ask Private Hughes (J) for a f*****g explanation.
********
Year Report:-
I would like to welcome all new now full recruits to our merry band of battle hardened albeit slightly care worn troops. Privates’ Sohanpal (fine example of our youth policy joining us from Scouting for Boys), Skinner (TA on secondment from the 3rd Battalion mobile office equipment maintenance Corps.) & Elliot (erstwhile of the Gay Hussars).
Some older recruits have, unfortunately, recently 'gone over the wall'. I am hoping they can be rounded up from no mans land and safely returned to the bosom of the platoon.
There has been some dissent in the ranks from time to time this year but I am optimistic that all can pull together in future campaigns.
Campaigns over the last year, for the most part successful. Although choice of kit may have been suspect on troop deployment within the flats of
Onto the topographic undulations of Millbrook and thence returning to previous battle scarred territory at Donnington at which Sapper Wray got his battalion moniker, ‘Si’. Foreign travel then beckoned all told to Button their Mackintosh well done Privates’ Hughes (J) and Campbell for the logistics within budget followed by forays to Birchwood, Richings Park and finally the semi-spiritual home of London Hatfield.
Armaments
For the most part I have been pleased with the weapons inspections although Mr Clothier is upsetting Quartermasters stores forever asking for replacement ordnance. In addition I believe Mr Cheah is in possession of an unlicensed Exocet having being spotted firing it across the transport compound at Hatfield. I am not sure he is the only one with such a weapon on board. Also I must ask you all try and cut down on the amount of ammunition the platoon is getting through. The munitions dump needs constant restocking. Tank manoeuvres proved a bit of a mixed bag often deployed to good effect but questions have been raised with Artillery Logistics about some of the mighty, battle proud, armoured personnel carrier tanks used that have a basic inability to traverse steep terrain having had one spotted being pushed by Private Cheah.
Orienteering
Field training and camouflage exercises all went well with many of the troop deployments proving difficult to spot across the various battlefields often using wooded areas to great effect. Most making it back to the start point albeit sometimes outside the allotted time relying on HQ lights to guide them home. Special citation goes to Private Hughes Major (not Major Hughes Private) who ably and successfully attacked a bunker position (no! A real one-honest), to retrieve what was thought a lost cause. A special well done to those who made it to Millbrook given that it was the Cambridgeshire open fought in Bedfordshire and recorded as Hertfordshire!?
Quarters
Complaints have been received by the NAAFI that there have not been enough dogs on the menu but in general the unit's victuals have been satisfactory. Barracks for the mobile offensive into foreign territory were reasonably secure albeit the en-route temporary bivouac for some of the platoon proved a challenge with the evening rations falling short of hearty fare. I was pleased that most kept up their fluid intact whilst on manoeuvres-there are leaflets for the Priory in the mess hall for anyone interested. And whilst touching on matters medical can I suggest Private Wray seeks early attention at the First Aid tent for his cystitis or at the barracks library to look up sciatica. The Rolf Harris 'Can You Tell What It Is?' Award this year was almost posthumously awarded* to Private Wray for his mural affected in the Welsh Billet albeit it was a bit of an ass.
*As other stout yeoman of the troop found it somewhat underwhelming
Community
Private Arthur did his bit in support of diversity and care in the community.
Donations
My thanks once again to the platoon for digging deep!
Gongs
Major Honours Awarded:
Meritorious Medal of Victory: Two Crossed Woods on a Fairway Rampant
Private Skinner
Foreign Campaign Flagon: Blood and Guts with Claret Strident
Private Skinner
Man to Man Combat: Irons Garnished
Private Hughes (B)
Winter Campaign Chalice: Polished Hip Flask Prone
TBA
Man to Man Combat Shield: Putters Erect
Private Mose
The Golden Sphere of Dhaftbuggah
Private Cheah
The Grand Plate of General Lard
Private Arthur
Sundry Items
Stealth campaigns proved unsuccessful. All of the guerrilla activity carried out house to house (or more correctly corridor to corridor) having been spotted early by various enemy agents before any purposeful gains could be made.
Cheating was prevalent in the brigade quiz and whilst this demonstrated a digital communication capability within the unit it was felt that it was not exhibiting the required esprit d'corps neither was the petty squabbling over the beer kitty. Fortunately the Provost and his heavily armed MP's were not called to attend.
Selections from the Album
Private Peng reloads on the driving range
Private Dilly searching for his balls
Private Skinner confident of a win stops to service a photocopier
Private Elliot dresses for the occasion
General Lard (Daft as a brush)
Can you tell what it is yet?
Blake Hall
Bugger 'All
*********
Tonight’s mess to be served in the Mess includes survival rations served in a Billy Can
Birdie Nest Soup to be drunk with Wooden Spoon
Tough Rounds of Bully Beef
Matchplay Mousse
Green Tee’s off
After Dinner Speech by Major Play
Barrack Nurse to dispense Corporal punishment and
General Mayhem ensues
********
It just leaves me to say pack up your troubles in yer old golf bags, gird the old loins and brace yourself as I am coming in dry. Here’s to next year!
I have just been informed by the camp lookout Private Dilly from his outpost on the 7th tee (he thinks he is on the 1st) that there is inbound. I should therefore sound general quarters and tell you all to take cover but I suspect it is only a flock of seagulls (no singing please) so rest easy men.
Until the next campaign…pip pip keep your powder dry and tallyho!
********
Captains end of year comments
Dear all,
It’s been an interesting year for the CC golf society with old friends leaving and new friends joining.
My overriding memories of this year are that too many of us seem to have occasions where we forget that each society day is a chance to meet up, play a round of golf (which should be a fun event) and enjoy each others company on and off the course.
We are none of us experts on the finer nuances of the rules of golf and nor should we be. I genuinely believe that everyone in our society wants to make the correct rulings etc. Over a year good and bad calls like good and bad luck even themselves out. I want everyone to approach each event this year as a fun day out. Golf is a game which should be enjoyed.
Well done to all the winners this year and a big thank you to the majority who may not have worn the yellow jersey but turn up rain or shine to make each event a fun occasion.
I look forward to seeing you all on Saturday 17th March (I think that’s the day) and lets all enjoy this year and stay chilled, even through the summer months.
Good luck to, ‘Si’, for the coming year who takes the Captain’s armband.
Enjoy 2007.
Dog Leg Dave.