Incoming Captains Thoughts

Dear Golfing Chums,

 

Allow me to share with you all that I've just finished reading a rather good book. It covers the history of our small island from about 10,000 BC to present day.  It's a big book, no pictures.  But nowhere in this monster epic is the ‘not so beautiful game’ of golf mentioned yet it's this rather strange pursuit that pulls us all together at regular intervals.   Personally speaking, our society days are events that I look forward too with relish and not just because we usually have a smashing fat boy’s fry-up on route!  No, the main attraction is meeting up with you guys, catching up with news and generally taking the piss out of each other till our ribs hurt... oh yeah! We get to play some golf too. 

 

This year the great honour of being society Captain has been bestowed on myself. An interesting fact from the afore mentioned book,  back in the 18th century an army Captain was a commissioned position only afforded by the gentry and wealthy. It was absolutely no reflection on their ability as a commander or an organiser of men.  In fact quite the reverse, they were mostly incompetent fools. You may draw some parallels with me as your Captain this year (though let me assure you no money changed hands for the honour, almost the reverse).

 

Saturday 28^th May 2006 – Wiltshire Stableford

(Report by Bryan Arthur)

 

A Grand day out as Dogleg brings home the Bacon

 

It was a dark and stormy night!.................This was followed by quite a pleasant morning whereupon the serried ranks of the Cross-Counties gathered for the Wiltshire golf day in sunny Berkshire.  Unfortunately we had notable absentees of Niall, Ronnie and Ricky but we hope to see them at the next event.  The conclusion of the day was a victory to the locals Dogleg, and runner up to Barth and whilst they celebrate we know that you hunger for details regarding the magnificence of play and surrounding events.

 

Baz and his group set an early standard by intimating that a sign on the ladies tee read "if you don't drive past here you're a c**t". This of course coincided with Mosey playing from that very spot. If the group are to be believed, then Mosey has a career in the timber industry looming as it seems he met nearly every tree on the course.  Whilst he was talking to the natural world Peng was keen to display his green credentials and released many golf balls back to the wild.  He was also noted for his actions on the 18^th (in the words of Baz). 

 

“Peng's approach on the 18^th green actually finished closer than Dean's approach on the 9th!!! As such, Peng had to putt from 50 feet across two greens with fairway in between. He did this, rolling the ball to 5 feet fantastic!!! However he then three putted from 5 feet to blob..................priceless!!!”

 

Baz tried to advise his group and was heard on the third to suggest the secret for the day was being able to hit the ball straight (master of understatement this boy!). He then hit his ball straight - straight left under a tree that is, and finished the hole with a class-leading blob.

 

The second group of the day included Military Dilly, left right left right etc.. Reports suggest that Tony is now taking divots so large that Donnington has applied for planning permission and hopes to make a new swimming pool out of one! Chairman Lard, always one to make an impression, indeed did. Being of friendly nature waved at Jeff (no mention of how many fingers waved) and in waving slapped Dilly, who was standing beside him. Also of note in this group is Lard’s choice of ball, Callaway agoraphobics (scared of open spaces!).

 

Bringing up the rear we had Hard-Hat (please insert your own joke here), Dogleg, Barth and the man with no (nick) name. Although this group didn't yield much comedy it was highlighted by Dogleg pleading with his ball in flight to avoid water, which to the astonishment of all did a Dambusters bouncing ball moment, as it bounced several times on the water before leaping onto the green and running through the back. It should be added that the author rained on the Lard’s parade by nicking nearest the pin from him by a tiny margin. Congrats also to the Dill for taking longest drive.  So another day passes (strangely with no funnies about Jeff) and we look forward to the next encounter and hopefully a full turnout of combatants.

Hurrah for all!

Cross Counties Cup 2006 (24-27^th June)

Friday 24^th June (Button Course – Matchplay/Practise Rounds)

(Report by Jeff Hughes)

 

Arthur gets handicapped at Extra hole !

 

First before we can even talk golf I have to mention Lee.  He must have thought he was either coming to Wales for a wedding or an 18-30 reunion as he brought 15 coat hangers of trousers and shirts.  If only his golf had matched up to the quality of his wardrobe we could have seen a surprise name on the leader board.

 

The actual practice round started at the Travel Lodge hotel at approx 2am in the morning where Jeff and Bazzer played in the annual hotel putting competition.  (Previous winners of this event have been Peng for his imagination of what to do with a putter golf ball, bed, sheets and blankets).  This years event however was a straight 300 foot par 3 putting competition.  With all the fire doors in the hallway open the whiskey and rum induced lads attempted to putt their way to victory.  Unfortunately Bazzer played his first to the gap between the wall and door and had to come out backwards, with Jeff winning the hole with a par.  However after 1 hole it was bad light stop play as the manager was not amused and sent us to bed

 

So on to the practice day, which this year had a bit of serious edge as a number of quarter final match play games where being played and the big guns where definitely out in force.  Before the first ball was hit a small presentation was made on the 1^st tee to Andre for turning up to the weekend with the gayest tash and he was awarded three Pink Pinnacle golf balls, which unfortunately did not make it around the course.  Never mind he was presented with 9 more the next day…………..more worrying was the fact that Niall chose to buy twelve pink balls himself !!!

 

Bazzer used up his best golf of the weekend in his matchplay to eventually beat Dogleg 2&1.  The turning point of this game was the 14^th with Bazzer in the rough and by a bush and Dog Leg safely in front of the green, he must have been thinking he had the hole and would be going 2 up with four to play.  However Bazzer played a tremendous audacious back handed shot which found the green and allowed him to level the match.  Dog Leg was seen walking around all night shaking his head in disbelief.  But was the head shaking aimed at some other more disturbing events of the evening………………

 

In the second group a great matchplay game was being held, Niall v Jeff, apologies it was actually the battle of the heavyweights Barth “The Unbeatable” v “Rocket” Ronnie.  The match was just what you would expect from the best two golfers in the society and with Barth 4 up with 6 to play, Ronnie went on a winning streak finsihing on the 18^th to square up the match.  This meant Barth continues his match play run of never losing over 18 holes and the boys went out to play extra holes.  After 2 extra holes the match was over and Barth came home with the bacon and looked to collect his prize later….  Jeff and Niall where also tussling away with Niall providing the outburst of the round, after another poor shot he demonstrated his need for better anger management by slamming  his club into the ground and shouting “Why Do I take this game seriously”, we actually never knew you did but thanks for the laugh.  The match eventually went to Jeff with a victory of 5 & 4.

 

This group also contained what was the shot of the day “Si” putting his tee shot on the Par 3, 16^th to two feet; unfortunately he had already had an air shot on the tee but needles to say top shot “Si”.  “Si” was finally beaten by Lard 2&1.  However controversy followed the Lard in matchplay once again, as both “Si” and Lard had marked the score using the incorrect stroke index (the women’s index I believe).  With the tension in the air, the scores where reassessed it become clear that the match had ended all square and therefore they should go out and play extra holes. “Si” had not lost this match and there was a real chance that the momentum may have swung in his favour, but as correctly pointed out by “Si”, who was now supping a pint of bitter he could not give an ass (not the only ass of the weekend he displayed) and as they had shaken hands on the course the result had to stand.  In fact “Si” did announce in the bar later that the reason he had lost was due to the cystitis he was experiencing, what I think he actually meant to say is he was piss poor, or did he really mean he had sciatica?

 

In the final match of the day Andre was competing against Ricky and as you may remember Andre was presented with some little pink balls at the start of the round.  It was either these little pink pinnacles or his rippling muscles that proved to much for his 5 iron, as yet another one of Andres clubs bit the dust leaving Andre with a 3,4,7, and 9 iron in his bag.  If it carries on this way Andre would be sure to win a three club challenge.  However regardless of Andre being three clubs down he still had to much in his bag for Ricky and he finally came through 3 & 2

 

Saturday 25^th June 2006 – Mackenzie Course (Round-1)

(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)

 

Dogleg takes an early lead……………but wait for the whiskey to kick in !

 

 

The morning began early for most folk with breakfast in the hotel and a few jokes about the battle ahead and the night before……………..(well so I’m told as Tony and Baz missed breakfast and almost lunch, and thankfully were awoken by our considerate colleagues 45 mins before the tee time) actually 5 days after the golf trip Baz turned on his mobile phone and had a message from Simon Wray advising it was 10:30 am………… hmmm must turn that phone on more often!!!!

 

As the first round of the 2006 Cross Counties Cup began, The Chairman made the following observation………

 

Dogleg became the early pace setter with a best of the day 37 points, and a few nearest the pin prizes for good measure.  Barth opened with a steady 36 points and Dean completed the top three with 35 points.  A special mention also goes to the chairman who hit a fine 107, and 31 points – which was a new personal best in medal and Stableford.

 

 

Some note worthy moments from the opening days play included Ricky (the 28 handicapper ?) hitting the ball superbly on his way to 28 points, the best of these shots was his approach into the 5^th green, it was all of 200 yards and having not expected to hit it quite so well he had played before the green cleared…………his playing partners were too stunned by the quality of shot that there was no cry of fore, and the ball duly came to rest on the green after a ricochet from doglegs ankle. 

 

On the 5^th hole Simon played up the rough to the right (so actually on the 3^rd hole……), and wandered into range of the tee, he waved to let us know he was there.  This was promptly followed by three successive calls of "Fore Right" as each of the 3 players who waited while he lumbered into range, missed him by centimetres. 

 

On the 6th hole Lee managed to hit tee shot further than the ladies, whilst this is a very small point it is still worthy of note, as this proved to be the highlight of Lee’s Front Nine !  The group were then given the hurry up on the 10^th tee by a steward………….despite the guys waiting for the group in front to get out of the way so that they could tee off.

 

On the 14^th hole Bryan was so engrossed in his game that he did not notice Baz move the tee pegs back, just for a second we almost convinced him that he had indeed teed off from in front of the tee box (if only he had hit the ball cleanly and left the tee in the ground the evidence would have been conclusive)

 

Bringing up the rear on day one was Simon and Lee with the total of 17 points, in fact Lee was lucky that Mosey decided the back nine on day one was the time to try and coach Lee into great things……………….ok simple things.  Mosey had so much success with the coaching that Niall was heard to quote “Lee now begins to hit the ball like a golfer with a handicap, rather than a golfer with a handicap.

 

Dogleg became the early pace setter with a best of the day 37 points, and a few nearest the pin prizes for good measure.  Barth opened with a steady 36 points and Dean completed the top three with 35 points.  A special mention also goes to the chairman who hit a fine 107, and 31 points – which was a new personal best in medal and Stableford.

 

 

Some note worthy moments from the opening days play included Ricky (the 28 handicapper ?) hitting the ball superbly on his way to 28 points, the best of these shots was his approach into the 5^th green, it was all of 200 yards and having not expected to hit it quite so well he had played before the green cleared…………his playing partners were too stunned by the quality of shot that there was no cry of fore, and the ball duly came to rest on the green after a ricochet from doglegs ankle. 

 

On the 5^th hole Simon played up the rough to the right (so actually on the 3^rd hole……), and wandered into range of the tee, he waved to let us know he was there.  This was promptly followed by three successive calls of "Fore Right" as each of the 3 players who waited while he lumbered into range, missed him by centimetres. 

 

On the 6th hole Lee managed to hit tee shot further than the ladies, whilst this is a very small point it is still worthy of note, as this proved to be the highlight of Lee’s Front Nine !  The group were then given the hurry up on the 10^th tee by a steward………….despite the guys waiting for the group in front to get out of the way so that they could tee off.

 

On the 14^th hole Bryan was so engrossed in his game that he did not notice Baz move the tee pegs back, just for a second we almost convinced him that he had indeed teed off from in front of the tee box (if only he had hit the ball cleanly and left the tee in the ground the evidence would have been conclusive)

 

Bringing up the rear on day one was Simon and Lee with the total of 17 points, in fact Lee was lucky that Mosey decided the back nine on day one was the time to try and coach Lee into great things……………….ok simple things.  Mosey had so much success with the coaching that Niall was heard to quote “Lee now begins to hit the ball like a golfer with a handicap, rather than a golfer with a handicap.

 

 

Sunday 25^th June 2006 – Button Course (Round 2)

(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)

 

Slow Play ? What are you talking about the football is on !

 

England beat Ecuador in the football 1-0 with a fine goal by David Beckham (recorded for posterity!).  I believe it was a fine goal as myself and Dilly did not see it live, we were the only muppets left in the traffic jam having not returned to the golf club.

 

On the course this was a special day – which began with the annual Jeff & Mosey barney, although strangely Jeff was arguing with Dogleg about pairing when Mosey got the hump, the essence of the argument was players out with the same folk, despite this having been determined by those people most determined to see the football.  I don’t know will there ever be a weekend of blissful harmony (perhaps that is why we are called the CROSS counties golf society!).  As intimated above the keen football watchers were out first with Mosey stating that he would walk in at 15:45 if the game was slow. This was not looking good as we waited 20 minutes on the 6th tee due to 4 'ladies' in front getting lost. Slagnav required.  Comments concerning why are they not cooking the dinner and who allowed them on the course etc abounded.

 

On the course Dogleg posted an excellent 39 points and was starting to look good for adding the Cross Counties cup to his 2003 Norfolk triumph, however Dean, Barth and Ronnie all hit 40+ rounds to join Dogleg in the final fourball and with 3 players separated by two points it looked good for a close finish.  Baz and Jeff struggled to keep touch on the front runners, although Jeff managed to find 34 points with a good finish.  During his second consecutive round of 31 points Baz managed a few moments of interest – for example a carved tee shot on Par 5 11^th, which whistled across the 15th green much to the shock of the ladies putting!!!!

 

The alternate headline to this round Dilly tried to kill me on the 17^th!

By trying to smack his golf ball in trees on the 17^th green, Dilly produced a quality shank, with the ball flying head high like a rocket and missing Baz by inches – the shock of this near death experience (well it seemed like that) caused a hand shaking activity that was to last for many minutes!  In the evening the annual quiz was again won by Team Wiltshire in a commanding and dominant manner – and with a two point lead overnight in the golf, the boys saw this as an omen for the final day’s action. 

 

Monday 26^th June 2006 – Mackenzie Course (Round 3)

(Report by Barry Hughes, Jeff Hughes & Dave Abbott)

 

The Whisky has kicked in…………………….

 

The hopes for the last day would be a duel in the Sunshine, however having had 3 days of glorious weather the rain came, stayed a while and then decided to make a day of it!  The only man to really revel in the conditions was Dilly but more of that later.

 

The pairings were announced and after the non slow play of the day before (inspired by the England football match) the guys positioned 9-12^th teed up first, and in fairness group two were not held up at any point!  Well done guys!  With Baz, Jeff and Mosey needing a minor miracle (or at the very least a great start!) it was Jeff who began well and for 7 holes it looked as though he may post a score, but it was still raining and the odd error crept into his game and the challenge faded. Dilly started slowly but by the 15^th hole had caught Mosey, Jeff and Baz and only a 40 ft birdie putt by Jeff kept him ahead of the Dill Monster.  In all Dilly’s round of 34 points was the best of the day, as the other guys struggled in the conditions.  Well played Dill, it was good to see you put a good number on the board and not blow up

In the battle for the claret jug, the event was almost over before it began, with Dean opening with four pars and twelve points (a tally not bettered by the other three players combined, so they began to discuss heading back to the club house and out of the rain) as the challenge of Barth, Dogleg and Ronnie seemed a million miles away, In fact Dogleg fell away so badly, posting a meagre low 20’s score, but hanging on to 3^rd place by the skin of his teeth as the field was not able to capitalise on his collapse probably something to do with the weather (then again so was the collapse). 

 

As the match progressed Barth was the only player to comeback and mount a challenge and on the 17^th tee Dean’s lead was down to three points. The pressure showed as Dean put his first OOB and watched Barth smash one up the middle. Dean followed by smashing his Provisional miles right and lost the ball. If Barth could make par and record three points they would go to the last all square. Barth hit his third into the green it was looking interesting, however instead of hitting the heart of the green the ball somehow found its way into the bunker. Unfortunately Barth was unable to get the ball out close and a sigle point allowed Dean the luxury of a two point lead withy one hole to play.  With the pressure eased Dean pared the last. 

 

Congratulations to Deano who became the fifth winner in the last five years and in his debut season!!!!!  Elsewhere on the course Lee was further exhibiting his talents, ok his deficiencies and on the 5^th Niall scooped his lob wedge gently towards Lee and made a courtesy call of "Fore".  Lee failed to take cover or even try to see where the ball was coming from, but instead demonstrated an interpretation of reacting to danger through the medium of Morris dancing, lets move on !!!! 

 

On the 7^th hole Lee decided to show he was also in touch with his feminine side by teeing up on the Ladies tee, he then ignored numerous hints that he may want to assess his ball placement, the penny finally dropped after the other members of the group teed up elsewhere.  On the 8^th tee Niall tried to outdo Lee, by teeing up facing the wrong way on a par 3, Lard and Lee felt it would be amusing to keep quiet, but "Si" broke ranks and corrected Niall (arghh!!!!!, what could have been).  “Si” was rewarded on the 9^th by making a 45 foot putt to save a point "Monster", "You had to be there to see it" & “unbelievable” are just two words associated both with Si's putt and Lee's dress sense.

In the team event team Wiltshire managed to hang on to the trophy, ok I know there isn’t actually a trophy! With Lard scoring the vital point in a drawn match (10.5 points all) – Well done Lard and well done team Essex on a fantastic fight-back having trailed by four points early on

All in all a great weekend – cheers guys and looking forward to the next.                                                 

Sunday 23^rd July 2006 – Kent Stableford

(Report by Tony Dillien)

 

Deano makes everyone green with envy as he records maiden win!

 

As the morning clouds gathered lighting overhead it soon became clear that the sun was not going to be the only (w)ray absent on this venture out by the now renowned golfing group.  As normal, this fine body of men gathered in the canteen supping coffee and eating bacon rolls apart from Bazzer as I forget his Sausage one (sorry Baz). During this time the groups were sorted while Andre decided he would go and look for a couple of second-hand clubs to replace the ones missing from his armoury, having not seen the ones he wanted he decided to buy a complete new set and bag, way to go !!!!

 

Now having made our way to the 1^st tee it was noted that Dean and Ron had identical shirts on, was this “buy one get one free”.  Not being out done Andre also had a matching shirt, unfortunately this was the same as Dean’s Incredible Hulk head cover (where did he get that).  The golf soon commenced with Dilly, Baz and Mosey off first, with Dilly doing his usual scuff 50 yards along the ground.  Not to be outdone by this super effort Baz put his second shot on the par 5 2^nd through the back of the green, what strength!!

Meantime the motley crew of J Hughes, Barth, Andre and Niall were ______ the fairways.  On the 2^nd Brian announcing he was going to play the hold Boof Boof, hmmm, more like Boof Poof as he duffed his second.  This must have done something to Andre as he suddenly pulled out his shiny new 5 iron, with a swoosh of the club, everyone looked in awe as the head flew quite freely down the fairway some say further than the ball, this guys ball striking (or is that club breaking) is something else. The 4^th was Jeff’s downfall as he came out of a greenside bunker and into another on the opposite side of the green, before taking a further 3 shots only to put his ball back in the original bunker. This must have got to him as when the rain started to fall he quickly put his jumper on but alas forgot to take this clubs of his shoulders.  Niall was not to be outdone and got his own back by farting on the 11^th green in a down wind direction towards his playing partners forgetting he then had to walk that way to make his 4^th putt which he missed, is this justice?

On the 18^th Barth hit his tee shot so far left onto the 17^th fairway he looked at his yardage chart to see how far he had to go, me thinks a Tom Tom would have been more helpful.  Dog Leg was also having his problems on the 18^th as his tee shot landed in a bush on the pond line not more than 20 yards from the tee, noting the ball was unplayable he dropped the ball with his back to the water watching it roll back to him,  as he stepped out of the way (backwards) oh so close to the booty, having survived this scare he then steps back again on this practice swing getting even closer, how tempting just to offer a little nudge. 

 

Finally my congratulations go to Dean for his superb victory and to Andre for breaking another club……………..this time a new one…………… on a day which I hope was enjoyed by all.

Saturday 18^th March 2006 – Captain’s Day Stableford

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

It’s Chris at the Double……………Twice!!!!

 

The last event of the year started with the final committee meeting of the year where the lucky committee members munched away at their breakfasts whilst attempting to deal with the complex Cross Counties Golf Society issues.

 

On the course two immediate highlights, (a) Peng on the range who produced a classic 90 degree hoik across the car park……….(b) the skipper – Dog leg hitting the first tee shot  (a ceremonial shot) in play and down the right hand side of the fairway.

Such a shame he could not repeat the trick when it mattered during the competition, when a 3 wood was deposited 25 yards to the right into a lake – nice !

 

Further humour was to be had on the tee when Barth was advised by many players that they would be playing him for the Chairman’s plate, initially Bryan seemed delighted by the nominations but became more confused through the next ten minutes,

 

Si announced to the watching folk today would be a watershed in his golf career – he would not blob any holes, then one hole later he refined this bold statement to “not blob anymore holes” (after blobbing the first!!) alas this too was not possible and Si headed towards the back of the pack.  Undeterred Si managed to break his 7 iron leaving a void of two clubs (from 6 to 9 in his bag, good work………….i think he is playing too much golf with Andre………….Ed

Also on the 8th Lard hit a putt from the front of the green to almost the back of the green, a good 20 feet past the hole, this putt was officially recorded as also longer than "Si"s drive on the same hole and very close to being longer than his second as well.  On the 16^th hole Lard had finally worked out the green were fast………… so was not to be fooled from 3ft, and duly left it halfway, are the joys of the wonderful game!

 

Baz started well from tee to green, however three putting five of the first six holes had a huge impact on the scoring, knowing the first blob was always going to kill the card and it did, as did the second blob, third blob, fourth blob etc !  Dogleg also had an indifferent start but came back well on the final nine.  The defining shot was in to the par 3, after hitting a real dick of a tee shot the ball went straight into the front of the lake, and bounced, and bounced, and bounced. Four bounces later, the ball leapt to the front of the green and rolled down to eight feet – a remarkable result, and a nearest the pin………..Outrageous! (and something we had seen before at Donnington Valley…………….hmmm – surely once a season is more than enough)

 

 

The lucky winners of the day were presented with some very dodgy looking, and tasting hooch by Dog Leg, let’s hope everyone survived the experience.  The day was won by Chris, who joined Baz as a double winner on the famous London Hatfield Old course, which after 4 visits is becoming a regular haunt for the society.  Chris has become an old hand at winning Captain’s day, with his second in a row.  Despite his problems out on the course Dog leg and his bouncing bomb golf ball managed to pip Dean to second place with 30 points – taking the spoils on count back.

 

 

And finally……………………..the Chairman Lard made his debutant today in his own competition (Chairman’s Plate) and managed to hold the mighty Barth to an all-square match!!!!  (not the first time the Lard has taken Barth on and shared the spoils……………….Ed).  Alas once the match was replayed a 7up victory was duly recorded and Barth added another gong to his bulging cabinet……………….

Thursday 26^th October 2006 – Society Competition (Millbrook)

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

Cross Counties team do the boys proud in a gallant effort…….

 

The Cross Counties Society entered their second team competition, this time at Millbrook Golf club and despite the unavailability of Paul Mose and Dean Skinner were still able to field a strong quartet consisting of Bryan Arthur, Dave Morris, Barry Hughes & Jeff Hughes.

On to the serious stuff, the format was for Cross Counties to go out as a four ball – ¾ handicap and the best x2 stableford scores on each hole to count.  A poor start where only Dogleg was able to bogey the opening Par 5’s meant a poor return of only 6 points on the opening couple of holes, however from this point on Jeff played his best golf in yonks to put some good numbers on the board. 

 

Baz produced a comic moment to emulate the deeds of Andre and Simon on the second, and only just missed out on golden golf ball nomination. He put his tee shot by a tree on the second, after much deliberation the plan was hatched – a punch shot, with 6-Iron stopping the club on impact would see the ball progressed down the fairway and a reasonable approach into the green in three. However a perfection strike down on the ball resulted in a six iron breaking, not like Andre and Simon where the club head flew off but a perfect snap of the shaft, dead centre and a jarred paw! Nice start favourite club – brown bread.

A solid contribution on all holes up to seventeen was made by most players, and a birdie / par haul on the seventeenth enabled the team to move to the final hole with a reasonable opportunity of contributing a decent total.  Alas with the eighteenth hole doubling as the longest drive, a mix of tee shots were delivered and again a slightly disappointing return of only three points was achieved.  All in all a solid return on 86 points was enough to see the Cross Counties as the club house leaders.

 

Much to the disappointment of the team who wanted to go home, as each team came in so the points looked better and better until 3 hours after the round the final group came in with 87 points to pip the CC by a single point and relegated us to a disappointing but creditable second place……………………………..and to rub salt in the wound we discovered the team that pipped us by a point were members! 

 

The highlight of the wait in the bar was Barth’s challenge to Baz on the number of signatures required for the card (having not been asked to sign himself) – all players then identified they had not been asked to sign the card and Baz confessed he had indeed forgot to do this very important detail…………………….thankfully the club were not to strict and allowed our second place to stand.  Barth himself was convinced a three hour wait would be rewarded with a disqualification !

 

Introduction:-

The sun beats down upon a bleak wind swept quadrangle somewhere in Albion, exact location secret and basically who would want to know - for it has been home for the last year to The Cross Counties Queens own Brigade.  A more fearless and respected troupe frankly could be found almost any where including in the Dagenham Girl Pipers, but there it is, we are stuck with them.

 

Now let us zoom in as there appears to be activity, there are Privates on Parade (insert obvious double-entende of your choice)…..

 

Short-House: Quiet!!!!!!!!!         Ok you slovenly lot.  Ahhhhtenshun!    

Come on let's be having you. 

Get those drivers straight.

Clean your balls. 

Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeesssssssssseeeeeeeennntt Yardage Charts!

Right then! Pay attention! Officer on parade!

 

General Sir George Spanking Lard DSO and Bar(king mad): Thank you Sergeant Major Short-House.

 

General Lard: Well men! And here I use the term very loosely.  In fact as loosely as the straps holding Private Goodman's weapons to his jeep.

 

I am addressing you today with regards your performance on duty this year, ahead of the passing out parade.  No! Not that kind of passing out, Private Dilly-Can someone pick him up?  I mean the passing out done at the end of the tour of duty where various members of the ranks receive their respective honours and all are bedecked and resplendent in their best finery suitably buffed.  Short-House!  A word to the Quartermasters stores:  Private Clothier is in need of a new Hard Hat and Private Elliot appears to have enough kit for the whole platoon.

 

However before we move on the Provost has asked for a few moments of your precious time.

 

Provost: Right you 'orrible lot. Personally I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire.  I have never known a tardier, drunken bunch of no hopers.  You make me sick just having to stand here and look at you!  F**k me, what a f*****g rabble… (Continues tirade in similar disposition for what feels like hours until veins in the head protrude).

 

General Lard: Well! Er? Thank you for those well chosen words. I am sure you all feel duly invigorated.  For those at a loss as to what some of the words meant please ask Private Hughes (J) for a f*****g explanation.

 

********

 

Year Report:-

I would like to welcome all new now full recruits to our merry band of battle hardened albeit slightly care worn troops.  Privates’ Sohanpal (fine example of our youth policy joining us from Scouting for Boys), Skinner (TA on secondment from the 3^rd Battalion mobile office equipment maintenance Corps.)  & Elliot (erstwhile of the Gay Hussars).

 

Some older recruits have, unfortunately, recently 'gone over the wall'.  I am hoping they can be rounded up from no mans land and safely returned to the bosom of the platoon.

There has been some dissent in the ranks from time to time this year but I am optimistic that all can pull together in future campaigns.

 

Campaigns over the last year, for the most part successful. Although choice of kit may have been suspect on troop deployment within the flats of Essex where, the wearing of mittens might have been useful. I think it would have been interesting to see the effect on respective grips on weapons of choice especially as most of you would have needed to have them connected by a string through the shirt and down the sleeves.

 

Onto the topographic undulations of Millbrook and thence returning to previous battle scarred territory at Donnington at which Sapper Wray got his battalion moniker, ‘Si’.  Foreign travel then beckoned all told to Button their Mackintosh well done Privates’ Hughes (J) and Campbell for the logistics within budget followed by forays to Birchwood, Richings Park and finally the semi-spiritual  home of London Hatfield.

 

Armaments

For the most part I have been pleased with the weapons inspections although Mr Clothier is upsetting Quartermasters stores forever asking for replacement ordnance.  In addition I believe Mr Cheah is in possession of an unlicensed Exocet having being spotted firing it across the transport compound at Hatfield.  I am not sure he is the only one with such a weapon on board.  Also I must ask you all try and cut down on the amount of ammunition the platoon is getting through.  The munitions dump needs constant restocking.  Tank manoeuvres proved a bit of a mixed bag often deployed to good effect but questions have been raised with Artillery Logistics about some of the mighty, battle proud, armoured personnel carrier tanks used that have a basic inability to traverse steep terrain having had one spotted being pushed by Private Cheah.

 

Orienteering

Field training and camouflage exercises all went well with many of the troop deployments proving difficult to spot across the various battlefields often using wooded areas to great effect. Most making it back to the start point albeit sometimes outside the allotted time relying on HQ lights to guide them home.  Special citation goes to Private Hughes Major (not Major Hughes Private) who ably and successfully attacked a bunker position (no! A real one-honest), to retrieve what was thought a lost cause.  A special well done to those who made it to Millbrook given that it was the Cambridgeshire open fought in Bedfordshire and recorded as Hertfordshire!?

 

 

Quarters

Complaints have been received by the NAAFI that there have not been enough dogs on the menu but in general the unit's victuals have been satisfactory.  Barracks for the mobile offensive into foreign territory were reasonably secure albeit the en-route temporary bivouac for some of the platoon proved a challenge with the evening rations falling short of hearty fare.  I was pleased that most kept up their fluid intact whilst on manoeuvres-there are leaflets for the Priory in the mess hall for anyone interested. And whilst touching on matters medical can I suggest Private Wray seeks early attention at the First Aid tent for his cystitis or at the barracks library to look up sciatica. The Rolf Harris 'Can You Tell What It Is?' Award this year was almost posthumously awarded* to Private Wray for his mural affected in the Welsh Billet albeit it was a bit of an ass. 

*As other stout yeoman of the troop found it somewhat underwhelming

 

Community

Private Arthur did his bit in support of diversity and care in the community.

 

Donations

My thanks once again to the platoon for digging deep!

 

 

Gongs

Major Honours Awarded:

Meritorious Medal of Victory: Two Crossed Woods on a Fairway Rampant

            Private Skinner

Foreign Campaign Flagon: Blood and Guts with Claret Strident

Private Skinner

Man to Man Combat: Irons Garnished

Private Hughes (B)

Winter Campaign Chalice:  Polished Hip Flask Prone

            TBA

Man to Man Combat Shield: Putters Erect 

Private Mose

The Golden Sphere of Dhaftbuggah

Private Cheah

The Grand Plate of General Lard

Private Arthur

 

 

Sundry Items

Stealth campaigns proved unsuccessful.  All of the guerrilla activity carried out house to house (or more correctly corridor to corridor) having been spotted early by various enemy agents before any purposeful gains could be made.  

 

Cheating was prevalent in the brigade quiz and whilst this demonstrated a digital communication capability within the unit it was felt that it was not exhibiting the required esprit d'corps neither was the petty squabbling over the beer kitty. Fortunately the Provost and his heavily armed MP's were not called to attend.

 

 

Selections from the Album

 

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Tonight’s mess to be served in the Mess includes survival rations served in a Billy Can

Birdie Nest Soup to be drunk with Wooden Spoon

Tough Rounds of Bully Beef

Matchplay Mousse

Green Tee’s off

After Dinner Speech by Major Play

Barrack Nurse to dispense Corporal punishment and

General Mayhem ensues

 

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It just leaves me to say pack up your troubles in yer old golf bags, gird the old loins and brace yourself as I am coming in dry.  Here’s to next year!

 

I have just been informed by the camp lookout Private Dilly from his outpost on the 7^th tee (he thinks he is on the 1^st) that there is inbound.  I should therefore sound general quarters and tell you all to take cover but I suspect it is only a flock of seagulls (no singing please) so rest easy men.

 

Until the next campaign…pip pip keep your powder dry and tallyho!

 

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