A PEEL-Y BIG MISTAKE: Si Unzips 180 Days of Decay!

 

Saturday March 19th 2005

(Report by Dogleg)

 

As the mist lifted and the sun rose on another beautiful Wiltshire morning the coffee and bacon rolls disappeared in the normal swift fashion and money and cheques rained in on Dave (Dog Leg) Morris as he struggled to add up and take away.

 

Si doing something that he normally does not do, decided to open the main zipper of his golf bag, only to find that inside he still had a banana from the last golf day, unfraternally the last golf day was 6 months ago.

 

The following groups had been expertly organised by our new efficient secretary and off we all went for another eventful hack around a decent golf course.

 

The first group away involved Bryan (Matchplay) Arthur, Peng (I hit more trees than a woodpecker) Cheah and Ronnie (how will I get all these trophies home) Giltjes. All was well with group 1 until the awkward blind 4th, when Bryan (getting ready for a fight with the weekend away coming up) Arthur, decided to play a shot with left hand side off of one of the players in front. This would keep the tension up with the society in front well into the 19th hole. Where without mentioning any names, Jeff (also getting ready for a fight with the weekend away approaching) Hughes was helping to reduce the tension between the two societies.

 

Group 2 set off next with Dave (Dog-leg) Morris playing every whole right to left and still managing to cruise home with 38 points (when are we going back). Jeff (SNIPE a 9 on a par 3) A Snipe is a wading bird which pokes around for food in wet, marshy ground. Bad players, always looking for their ball are called 'gutta-snipes'.

http://www.anyonefortee.com/Scoring/Birds.html

(A full list of birds for all saddo's........................................................)

 

Finally in Group 2 we had Chris (I'm having a bad day, not another bloody hill) Goodman.

Group 3 quietly got on with their business with Brian (steady) Lock and Tony (I'm sure my ball is on this side of the fairway) Dillien sneaking 3rd and 4th respectively and glad of the buggy that Mr Goodman would have paid handsomely for. Even Simon (Dambuster) Wray, came in with a respectable 9th.

And then coming up the rear (so to speak), were the out and out losers.

What did Paul (the kleptomaniac) Mose lose though???

 

If nothing else this should prompt an Essex Stableford report.

See you all in Devon (Full nickname t-shirts to be worn)

 

Cheers

Dog Leg Dave

Locky leads by loads.......but doesn't get over the line!

Sunday May 8th 2005

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

After a grueling journey early Sunday Morning to the other side of the world...........well it seemed that way after 3 hours on the M3, M25, and A12 we arrived at the venue. After the glorious weather of Castle Coombe we were treated to the rain and rain (and did I mention the rain) of rainy Essex.

The first stop for Bryan and Baz after the long journey was re-fuelling – so a quick stop in the hotel restaurant for breakfast......................we made sure we got our £14.95 worth!!!

The final group out which included myself and Ronnie had the excellent fortune of playing stroke index 1, 400+ yard, Par 4 into the wind during the hail stones, as such we played the equivalent of 800 yards!!! Not much of a problem for Ron who after an indifferent start chose this hole to begin playing well. I on the other hand had the misfortune of the wind blowing my hat over my eyes (at the top of my backswing) resulting in a blind hoiwk! (it was not my worst shot of the day, but the end of a promising start).

 

A special mention goes out to Ronnie on two counts, firstly his lightweight bag and short sleeve top (in those conditions!!). Also on his never give up attitude – on being advised Locky was a mile (and a half clear, ok then 8 points) at half way he announced oh well that's that then and started playing even better, in fact so well that when the scores were in he'd sneaked a one point victory.

Brian Lock (despite his blow up) hung on to second place and a strong finish by myself enabled me to sneak 3rd place and break a run of 30 months and 16 events without a top 3 finish (a society record I might add !! although equalled by Lard today!)

Mosey takes an early lead...................................................

 

Saturday 25th June 2005 - Oakhampton

(Report by Bryan Arthur/Barry Hughes)

 

The opening round of the 2005 Cross Counties Cup was memorable for a number of reasons. Paul and Chris claimed the first two slots on the results ladder, the top three was completed by Barth – still searching for his first Cross Counties claret jug (in fact the only time Barth had this gong on his shelf was when he made the purchase, before he donated it to the society).

This act also enabled Dilly to record his annual sub 18 hole round by walking off the course....................I believe this time there was a genuine reason.......................other than the air golf........................

 

Baz had the biggest smile of the society as he attempted to play on one leg and actually put in a better score than the usually consistent dogleg.....................Dogleg's tally of 5 points in eleven holes will be remembered for some time to come. Making up this four-ball Chris 'Coach' Goodman continued to talk Mr Wray into an excellent performance and 5th place overall and a worthy half for team Wiltshire against Blister's in the team competition........................unfortunately I forgot to put money on this as I predict long odds and a large payout would not have been the order of the day!

And my personal favorite Jeff — teeing up on the last hole, a short par-3, with a chance to save his round hit a howling slice............................heading Nor-Nor-West (or straight for the car park) yet somehow the ball managed to hit the last post (four inches round) square on and bounce to the edge of the green — outrageous!

 

The team event was nicely poised overnight as for the second year running the first day was halved with both sides on 3.5 points. There were big wins for Jeff (7&6 v Tony...............but then he did walk in) and Mosey (7&5 v Hard Hat) whilst Barth continued his Matchplay domination against Baz.

The Rocket Fights Back!!!

Sunday 26th June 2005 - Oakwood Stapelford

(Report by Simon Wray)

 

Baz and his peg leg decided to play a valiant game with only irons and a half swing. It didn't affect his game on the 1st par 4 though where he made the green in 1. Swiftly followed by 3 putts, and 3 blobs on the next three holes. Shouldn't laugh but...........

 

Dog Leg Dave, usually reckoned for a 'slight' propinquity toward a right to left swing (something Blisters seemed determined to out do on the day), proved that this doesn't have to apply simply to tee shots and approach shots but also putting! Having hit the smallest green on the course (the temp on 5th) with his tee shot and by so doing taking the NP £dosh, then proceeds to putt off the green with a reverse dog leg left to right.

 

A particularly wayward tee shot on the 9th by the Chair resulted in as much earth raining back down across the tee as at the bombardment at Anzio at which point he threw his bats out of the pram. Most unusual and quite amusing I hear.

 

If nothing else is remembered from this round it must be Dilly playing the 10th. Here I must plagiarise from a man on the scene who depicts the events far more eloquently than I could: "It was akin to a North American Road Gang clearing pampas from the roadside. The path left through the rough is now being considered as a landing strip for light aircraft". 9 consecutive air shots must be some sort of record? Maybe we should enquire from the sole remaining McWhirter?

Mosey brings home the Bacon & Team Wiltshire come from behind (Ooer................)

 

Monday 27th June

(Report by Barry Hughes)

 

After two days of the Cross Counties cup things were set up nicely, Mosey held a one point lead over night from Chris Goodman with Ronnie five points further back (and looking menacing after day 2). As a contest the individual event was soon over as Mosey raced into a healthy lead by the turn.

 

Jeff and Mosey provided additional comedy value with their annual tiff,........ (comical in hindsight I add – Jeff / Mosey we do not think this is funny really stop doing it) having a barney for the second year running................ although at least this year it took 4 days to happen !!!

 

The best performance on the last day was from Paul with an excellent best of the weekend 39 points.  Chris and Jeff both posted 36 points, which enabled Chris to hang on to second and Jeff to nick third place. After this Simon Wray and Andre were the only other players to step up and score more than 30 points.

 

Jeff seemed determined to get in the news on the last day, first he fell out with Paul................then he lost his ball on the 6th and found it on the 7th (much to his disgust) then he fired his tee shot left of the fairway on 15th with the ball bouncing off the roof of Barry and Locky's buggy................and he followed this up by crashing his second into the tee marker (on the same hole) as Baz was teeing up................hmmmm perhaps there is more to this than meet the eye.

 

A special mention goes to Mosey, Chris, Jeff, Andre, Baz and Lard who all improved their scores day by day (especially Mosey but that's why he won!!!)

 

In the team event Team Wiltshire went into the final day trailing by 3 points, but a phenomenal last day saw a four points swing, with only Mosey winning for team Essex and victory going to team Wiltshire by 11-10 (thus making the series 1-1).

 

Individually in the team event Jeff and Paul were the main men - Commiserations to Lard and Peng................(sorry Lard) after the glory of Scotland the only men to remain pointless this year (that will teach you to do me on the New course..........St Andrews)

 

Paul Mose becomes a captain next year and will have the opportunity to win the cup back for Essex (or will he captain Wiltshire....................?)

Locky is back, Locky is back..................

23rd July 2005
(Report by Peng Cheah)

 

The day started off with an odd full breakfast....a generous fry up was marred by a single tea bag in the large cold teapot to be shared by everyone. Unfortunately Jesus only does fishes and loaves so the teapot remained full of cats piss....or the chef was taking the piss...who knows!!

 

There were actually 2 types of full breakfast...the Stroke Index 18 breakfast was enjoyed by those who arrived early. Due to the usual weekend narrowing of the M25 to 1 lane, the late arrivals had the Stroke Index 1 breakfast which meant they had to putt out with only 10 minutes before tee time.

 

So onto the first tee....usually the indicator of things to come.
Group 1: Bryan A, Chris, Peng
Group 2: Jeff, Tony, Brian L, Dave M
Group 3: Paul, Baz, Lard, Ronnie

 

Boring!! Group 1 all had a respectable start into the dog leg (no, I don't mean Morris!!)

 

Jeff the bitch slapper, as described by Locky, put a great one over the corner. I know because it wizzed under my moving buggy heading for the green. I cursed those wheels for not being wider.

Dilly, not the best of bitch slappers, tee'd off no-where and with his 3rd opened the fairway up with an eight yard shot. Wishing to maximise use of the buggy and piss off the starter, he used the buggy for eight!! Just as well buggies were allowed all over the course otherwise it would have been an eight yard walk to the buggy, eight yards straight up in the buggy and an eight yard walk to the ball. And later on, the rest of his group must have thought Tony had switched to green golf balls.

Barth complained about the lack of red stakes around the 2nd pond infested green.... I just ignored him because I'm usually at the green for no points and so lateral hazards don't come into play! As for Chris Lucky Heather Rabbits Foot, on the par 5, 5th hole, I witnessed 3 long putts from the tee, a wedge and a putt for par!! And there's me learning how to swing like Tiger....f*~k that...lets follow Chris.

 

We should have wired up Chris's club to the local electricity wind farm on the 6th hole. A strong whoosh at the tee would have kept the Heathrow lights on all night since it made no difference to the position of the ball. Chris looked up and said "One". He followed by with a 3 into the hedge 5 yards away. Amazingly his rabbit's foot let him down this time and he didn't score.

 

And on that 6th, from under the base of a tree, Paul went from side-show to orthodox for a 20 yard 7 iron onto the fairway. An angry phone call from my wife on the 10th fairway asking how to operate the DVD player left me mentally scarred enough to hit my only slice of the day. Paul and Ronnie's buggy was gasping at the 12th... did anyone check that they had 14 and not 28 stone on-board! Also it didn't help that Ronnie thought he was riding Nemesis at Alton Towers.

 

The back nine had changing fortunes for Baz and Ron. Baz hit 20 points in 8 holes whereas the Big Ron became well the Small Ron. Life is hard with a handicap of 8. Not that Brian "Avoid the Cut" Lock would ever know. If Brian was a lumberjack, we would still have forests (get it... he would make no golf green!). He did slip up slightly with a cut of 0.5, a very slight blemish which is like Pamela Anderson going from 36DD to 36D. On the 18th I needed one point to beat my high of 39 points... a 5ft putt for 3 points went to a 5 putt for 2 points and a 1 ft putt for 1 point. Obviously quick greens had not registered with me after 17 holes!! After the first 2 groups had done their scores and had their pints, we wondered the whereabouts of the 3rd group. Maybe their divining rod had let them down? It turn out that after the 17th, Paul's team started to play the 9th again. The reason for that being:

 

a. Their points on the 9th first time round were crap and needed improvement.
b. They thought the 9th tee was closest to the 18th green
c. Paul wanted to show his local knowledge of the course
d. They needed an extra hole to warm up before the 18th
e. Their tally from 19 holes was bound to beat everyone else's 18.
f. They wanted to find out who knew about rule 11.4b
g. All of the above.

 

Baz rattled the wedding reception with an approach onto the clubhouse roof and they were so appreciative, they sent us strawberry cream dessert!!! Maybe they crumbled up his ball and mixed it in the dessert... aka a Titleist Pavlova.

 

To sum up

Another enjoyable and eventful society day....................

 

Locky topped the leader board with 37 points with good consistent play (obviously eats more roughage than plays it). Well done on avoiding 40 points.

 

Jeff won nearest the pin....correct yardage on chart Jeff?

 

I won longest drive with an iron...not a bad effort since I had broken my driver at the range. Now maybe the longest drive should be done on the narrowest hole...that would give the shorter hitters a chance!! You could do it again Lard!!

 

Lessons to be learnt.

Play the right hole unless your partner is Abi Titmuss and doesn't mind.

 

If you want to hit longer drives... learn to be a bitch slapper. If you can't bitch slap, you can't be a pimp.

And so to Chairman's Day 2005....

 

12th September 2005
(Report by 'The Lard')

 

Everyone appeared to have had a reasonable journey to our latest venue namely Coulsdon Manor at the 'Does She'* Hotel in Surrey. I think the late start suited people and albeit the facilities were limited by no yardage charts and no driving range, from the points scored I can only assume this was an advantage.

Coffee and bacon rolls appeared on cue and even the illusive dog roll was spotted although Mr Wray decided to lift said dogs from their comfortable flowery bap bed. It was so long after that Mr Hughes B stopped gassing and went to eat the rolls that Mr Wray had almost forgotten where he had spirited them away to. I myself had nothing to do with this early misdemeanour.

Even prior to leaving breakfast, England's attempt to win the Ashes was dented when Bell I R fell to a golden duck and presumably there ended his future international aspirations. Mr Wray dutifully expounded a tabloid headline of Bell End! I think a career in the Red Tops had been missed!

Absentees Mr Arthur, Mr Cheah and Mr Campbell were supplemented by guests of Mr Lock and the ships cat Blisters, Liam and Dean respectively, and with the struggle for the Ashes as a backdrop and brightening weather (as ordered), we set off.

 

The course itself I thought was in good nick especially the greens, which contained more tricky undulations that at first thought. The back nine had a few holes where they appeared to be running out of ideas i.e. the long par 3 which was only a couple of missing goal posts away from being over Arsoles Park. Or for those not familiar replace with the Marshes, Wanstead Flats, Old Queer Park (sorry Old Deer Park) or most council football pitches about the place. Overall I think most enjoyed the course and what it had to offer.

By way of attempting to keep us moving Mr Hughes B suggested our 4 ball adopt a buddy ball spotter arrangement. This seemed a good idea and was first put to the test at the third when your Chair (having hit a long 7 iron from the tee that faded around some trees) asked his spotter buddy (Mr Hughes B) if he saw it. "Why, where did it go?" was his response to which everyone (quite correctly in my view) replied "if he knew that he wouldn't be asking!". Mr Hughes B later tried to catch me out by hitting a tee shot straight, but in completely the wrong direction, but I was on to him and told him he would be walking to the fairway of an adjacent hole to be playing his second.

The weather got brighter as did England's prospects thence back to the 19th to see Ennngggerrrrlllaaaaand bring home the bacon.

 

The evening meal, which half could not wait to sink their teeth into and the rest couldn't get off the sofa for, was disappointing in that the baked potatoes were edible. Soup, rolls, roast beef that was beef, pudding (puddings in some cases) plus coffee later I think everyone was duly stuffed and therefore less able to escape my monetary demands for the Society charity, Macmillan Nurses**. And on that note a big thank you to all for your contributions care of Peng's excellent roll over and die plus the additional made on the bus stop. As a result we made £98 on the night with me yet to chase Bryan, Peng and Niall. Congratulations go to dogleg Dave, his name will be added to the esteemed list on the plate. Congratulations also of course to Blisters who, with another win, has placed himself in pole position for OOM, but dare he look over his shoulder!

He's Cum all over the Captain's Hole

 

Captains Day
(Report Jeff Hughes)

 

The committee had arranged to meet early for the AGM it was only fitting that they upgraded to a full English breakfast, but to Chairman Lard’s dismay his "fry up" had been nabbed.

Group 1 – (The Captains Table) – Jeff, Dog Leg and Dilly

Group 2 – Barth, Mosey, Niall

Group 3 – Chris, Lard, Brian, Dean

Group 4 – Baz, Simon, Ronnie, Andre "Hard Hat"

 

There were two highlights to the opening groups round and both where performed by the massive headed Dilly. On the Par 3, 8th Dilly had a putt for Par that just stayed up. He then went to nonchalantly back hand his putt in but missed the ball. An air shot on the putting green, which was almost as amazing as his 8 air shots on the spin in Devon and Mossy's four putts from 3 inch at Hainault last year. Dilly still had a 1 inch put for a point but to Dog Leg and Jeff's amazement knocked his ball away in disgust. Unbelievably Dilly was to repeat the putting back hand air shot on the Par 3, 15th. What can I say except Priceless.

 

Jeff decided that on the 1st tee there would be a "captains Hole" and this was played as an additional "Nearest the Pin". Jeff decided to do his best to keep his money in his pocket by hitting the green. Dog Leg hit what he declared as he hit it the best 5 iron he has played. The ball sailed moved 100yards from right to left in the air finishing in the ditch 50 yards left of the fairway............... had dogleg been back on the single malt.

 

Well it seemed the captains hole was safe and secure until the final group came down the 18th and Chris Goodman hit a glorious shot in and declared "he had cum all over the captains hole.............. thank god it was a figure of speech as that is an experience I would not like to have. Maybe Dog Leg would appreciate it. Especially after he declared on the 14th that if you perform a bicycle action on your back you can cum in your mouth, not a nice thought and how did he learn this trick, maybe he is called dog leg because if he lifts his leg he can lick his balls as well.

The second group out saw the return of Mr Campbell and the now famous and characteristic lay up shot on the Par 3's. But wait it was not Niall performing his usual tactic by Mossy, not once but twice. What an influence Niall's return had had. On the Par 3, 7th Mossy played 3 off the tee, for once not laying up and finished with a 6. Barth displayed his genuine Irish nature and would have none of it being convinced that Mossy had as he had played such a beautiful shot into the green that he deserved a 4. Should we send Barth back to school to learn how to count, or would that possibly introduce more stories of Wooten Bassett.

What can be said about the third group apart from it included the eventual winner of the day, Chris, who when asked by Bazzer after 9 holes "how many points" he had, calmly replied 23, which Bazzer believed. Bazzer not everything Chris says is true, believe me he did not cum all over the captains hole!!!I can only think that Chris' great performance was the contributing factor that the other members in his group suffered so badly. What started so promisingly for Chairman Lard with 16 points on the front 9 gave him a real chance to be cut so cleverly played the back nine in 11 points and keep his handicap intact.

Well on to the awards ceremony

 

The final results of the day where Chris 1st, Ronnie 2nd and Barth 3rd.

 

The Longest drive was won by Dean and Jeff won the nearest pin.

 

As always thanks to everyone for the company and roll on Season 2006.

Bryan^* is above Jeff based on best finish in a competition.

 

^** Barry qualifies for the Winter Cup as next best qualifier due to Brian Lock withdrawing from the competition.

Golden Golf Ball Nominees 2005

 

• Tony attempting to backhand a 1 inch putt for par and missing, not once but twice in the same round – Captains Day

 

• Simon Wray playing the wrong ball (again), although this time the ball was the same colour – Cross Counties Cup

 

• Dog Leg Dave's great whiskey induced round which saw him score 4 points in 12 holes – Cross Counties Cup

 

• Jeff trying to hitch a lift on the back of Brian Lock's buggy and being dragged 50 yards with Brian going flat out – London Event

 

• Tony Dillien's air shot on the first followed by the 8 yard drive and having the cheek of getting in the buggy to drive to his ball – London Event

 

• Barry slightly over clubbed approach to the 18th green that landed on the club house 50 yards behind the green and scattered the wedding guests – London Event

 

• Peng using his new grip and breaking 3 drivers (Titleist 983K, MacBurrows, Nike Ignite) plus a 3 wood, then deciding to go back to his old grip!!

 

• Barry's bobble hat falling down over his eyes at the top of his back swing

 

• Andre Clothier great appreciation of London when he wanted it to rain so he could watch the ashes, not realising the Oval was just four miles north from where we where playing – Croydon

 

• Tony's great attempt to cut the rough in Devon when after hitting his tee shot 20 yards sideways then had 9 air shots before hitting the ball

 

• Lard Making a tee shot go backwards and then a superb 5 wood recovery shot straight down the middle.

The Chairman's Witterings............................

 

Arrrr! 'Tis 'bout time we weighed anchor, set to the rigging and hoisted the mains'l on another year where we've all been at sea! Clutching my trusty iron I be ready, be you? Arrrr! And don't you be mentioning me hook or I be putting a broadside into your golf balls then you be going Arrrr! H'Arrrr!

 

Avast and Ahoy there me ship mates. We be starting with the CrossCounties Crew and Manifest.

 

Say Aye when you be seeing yer moniker;

 

• Rear Admiral Lard-Lord O’The Naval Fluff

• Cap’n Jeff and Master of the Pieces Of Eight

• Mosey Mate at the Tiller

• Dog Leg Dave Warden of the Stripped Shirt

• Basher Block

• One Boot Andre Guardian of the Helmets

• Big Hearted Arfur Steward of the Ships Beard

• Master Dilly-Ships Navigator and Look Out

• Not been so able Seaman Campbell

• Poop Deck Peng Custodian of the Armoury

• Cutloose Chris

• Peg Leg Bosun Balthazar Keeper of the Ships Log

• Sailor Simon aka Sting

• And the Ships Cat, Blisters

Collect yer weapons from Poop Deck Peng making sure yer get an unbroken set and a hard hat from One Boot Andre, scrape the barnacles from yer balls, stuff yer bung hole, stow yer blunderbuss, hoist yer britches and join me at the helm where Master Dilly will be setting a course to f*ck knows where. Some of yer bilge rats and urchins may come across some booty along the way, others will sink without a trace, be tempted from the true course by them sirens that live in the weeds and long sea grass or come to grief on some abandoned beach.

 

But all will do it with a stout heart and good cheer! Arrrr!

 

There follows extracts from the ships log. Not always filled in — To wet yer appetite.

 

Attack at fortress Castle Combe

Be a place for stout legs to hold firm against the rolling waves. Dog Leg Dave was left at the Tiller long enough to broadside a local pedallo en route and after some pieces of ate the Ships Cat made off with most of the bawbees. Not so able Seaman Campbell couldn't find his sea legs and One Boot became er One Boot.

 

Battle Of Five Lakes

After the rolling waves of Castle Combe we were cast adrift on flat Kentish seas, but with squally weather. Ships Cat got his fur wet.

 

Plymouth Ho

Most didn't make it this far and were content to hole up on the Beeches of Devon for some well earned shore leave. The crew avoided any confrontation with local militia albeit the ships navigator was lost for a while spending the night in some inlet or cove not since found. Good grub and grog ably served by the Flying Dutchman Schtopp! A year all at sea with you urchins be enuff to drive a man to drink. I be sure that Dog Leg Dave did take that to heart me hearties as he did look like he'd slept the night in the grog barrel. Mosey Mate kept a firm hand on the Tiller and brought home the bacon. One Boot played cards more like Blind Pugh and most had a bit of a Rigobert moment on occasion.

 

Stockade at Stockley

Be good victuals, but I wouldn't grace the cup o' cold goats with a stale ships biscuit. Note to stores new compass required for the last group to get back to the ship.

 

Our powder stayed dry for much of the year, the only canons faced were on baize and Blisters stayed out of the tinder box so all in all a pretty good year. The Ships Treasure Chest was blown clear of dust and various trinkets, doubloons and medallions handed out. To those recipients I raise a glass o' rum. It's the Cat O' Nine Irons for the rest of yer scurvy knaves.

 

Meantime there she be. I would recognise those sails anywhere. The Pearl. I'm off to converse with the Crows up in the nest a mid-ships because they know.

 

Anyway just why are Pirates called Pirates? They just Arrrrr! (© P Mose)

 

Victuals for ye swabs to be thrown at you from the Galley:

 

The year of my captaincy has now come to pass and I find myself not just reflecting on the current year, but sitting in my front room reading through all of our old yearbooks.

Why the nostalgia? Well we started this thing for fun, and whilst this primarily has been retained we have started to get lax on the match day reports. Next year can we all make the effort to provide the day organiser with comical content etc so that we can continue to enjoy, what is a great year book, reflecting on the great company we as a group are.

 

On that point I would like to welcome in "Dog Leg" Dave in his year of captaincy and may your balls always find that little hole.

 

 

Jeff