It's All in the mind !!!!!!

Sunday 09th May 2004
(Report by Andre Clothier)

Controversy rained (much like it did outside!!) early on in Oxford as the Committee decided to review the handicaps of the most recent members, these included Dave Morris, Paul Mose, Chris Goodman and Ronnie.

After much discussion it was agreed by all, that Dave Morris (18) and Chris Goodman (17) were indeed bandits but in the interest of fair play it would not be 'correct and proper' to modify their handicaps. Ronnie (8) however was judged to be harshly treated, and thus awarded an additional two shots. He was later to capitalise on this by hitting his first tee shot of the day over the fence and out of bounds, although this would prove to be the exception to his round and not a trick he would repeat too often during the day.

I think that there was an almost unanimous liking of the course. The greens were great, and the fairways were narrow and the rough was well "ROUGH", just as a golf course should be. Even if the holes were a little up/down in layout.

I started out front with Chris and Ronnie, who both started by playing almost scratch golf, even if it wasn't pretty (Chris). Personally it took me about nine holes to get going at which point I teed up at the 10th (I think) and proceeded to hit the tee further than the ball. Watching Chris and Ronnie play made me realise just how small a margin it is between an average player and a really good player (I just wish I were an average player).

One funny sent to me by Niall, Dave Morris on the 7th - the nearest the pin - he didn't just find the bunker at the front of the green but managed to embed his ball in the wall facing the tee under the lip. Also, Dave is not so much a bandit as a silent assassin as he proved somewhere around the 13th when he drove his ball firmly into the backside of someone playing on the adjacent fairway.

Lets hope Scotland lives up to all our expectations. See you all on or around the 3rd July.

PS – Mr Bryan Arthur missed his first society event due to keeling over at Marlborough golf course – he was missed by all and we look forward to him returning for the Scotland trip.

Rocket Ronnie takes off !!!!

Saturday 3rd July 2004 - Crail Balcomie Links
(Report by Jeff Hughes)

On the 3rd July the society met up at Edinburgh airport and applied to enter Big Brother by attempting the weekly task of getting all the clubs and bags into the minibus. On completion of the task we set off for Crail Balcomie Links extremely concerned by the appalling weather and wondering if the club would be flying out of the hands further than the golf ball.

As we arrived at Crail it definitely had the WOW factor with spectacular views and bunkers that were very deep, plentiful and actually had sand in, now there’s a novelty.

This was the day that finally the Arthur / Lard (Maybe this should be the name of the trophy in future) rematch would occur. There was a possibility that an upset could occur as Mr Arthur has been recently know as Arthur 0.1, however Lard dispelled all chance of an upset by playing the first five holes in a very cavalier fashion, that is trying to beat Bryan by playing 3 or 5 off the tee (interesting tactic), alas this tactic did not succeed and Bryan Arthur marched into the next round, and has still to be beaten in 18 holes of match play. One consolation for the Lard was that he become quite adept at playing from the bunkers and it was 3 in 3 out all first time, Mr Mose was also undaunted by the bunkers as he played from a greenside bunker on the 2nd which was at least twice as tall as him, hitting the ball to 18 inches, one of the top shots of the day.

Rocket Ronnie took off from the first tee with a clear intention to prove he can play to 10 and played fantastic golf all day, as he shot off to a commanding lead in the cross counties cup by amassing 39 points, however the shock off the day was Peng (Cinderella story as the boy from nowhere came out of the pack), although this was short lived as later in the weekend he was to slide right to the back of the pack) as he shot 30 points and came within a hairs width of holing his second from 180 Yards, on the 4th which nearly gave him a net zero.

As always and the end of the round it was off to the 19th Hole and the realm of statto, and we all waited with baited breath for the results and how the team event was going. After day one, the match was all square so off to St Andrews we trouped to replenish our energy levels and get some provisions. To my shock and horror a country that has very relaxed licensing laws can not serve alcohol from an off licence after 10pm, this was followed up by having the most Orange curry of my life, was it just me or did every dish look the same, ORANGE.

The Greatest point Ever !!!

Sunday 4th July 2004 - Order of Merit - Ladybank
(Report by David Morris)

Day 2 of the weekend took the motley crew to 'LADY bank', as the name suggested a very awkward proposition. We arrived in good time and dispersed between the golf shop and the club house.

In the golf shop Mr Goodman was quickest to flash the cash and get the bargain meaty club from under the wallet of young Ronnie.

In the club house things were hotting up, especially the one surly faced waitress who seemed shocked to see a large group of fine young men descend on her normally quiet clubhouse. The drib drab ordering and the constant requests for more tea did nothing to cheer her up. Even the friendly words from Mr Arthur, that had worked so well in Norfolk could not cheer the poor LADY.

It was time for some putting practise and whilst this was generally a bit of fun there was a serious Mr Hughes J in the corner arranging his balls with such precision that he was blissfully unaware of the fast approaching putting competition about to descend on his personal hole. And descend they did, balls and insults were traded and a hole lot of hot air expelled, just to let the members know that the boys from down south had arrived.

To the golf and it was soon evident that the course should be renamed 'LADY TREE' as Mr Mose and others banged their balls into many more trees than holes but as on the first day it was Ronnie that took the spoils with Jeff a close second, who will ever know what would have happened if his precision putting practice had not been disrupted?

On the second hole Barry scored potentially the greatest point ever!

After an opening par (and three points) Baz pulled a driver out of his bag for his tee shot on the Par 5 second hole; a vicious slice saw the ball fly into the trees, a provisional ball was duly sent in the same direction. On looking for the ball, both were found and just in play. Another carved second shot was sent way left into the trees. This was also found in a rabbit hole and a free drop was awarded. The third shot (although 4th strike of the ball) saw a recovery wood hit a tree fifty yards ahead. The 4th shot was then sent back into the trees to the right and another provisional ball went the same way! As before both balls were found in play and the 5th shot (now the 7th actual strike of the ball) went 30 yards into the rough. A fantastic chip to ten feet followed and after holing the putt a 7 nett 6, for a point was recorded - now that's what you call scrambling!

Ronnie duly ran away from the field with only Jeff and Brian Lock putting up a good fight. This was his third consecutive victory - a society record and it put him in pole position for the cross counties cup!

A special mention to Peng who equalled the worst 'completed' Stableford round - he managed only 10 points and now joins Mr Simon Wray in the hall of fame (or is that shame).

(Arguably) the home of golf! Stan Drews can be proud!

Monday 5th July 2004 - Order of Merit Event - New Course St Andrews
(Report by Dave Abbott)

This was a bit of a treat was it not! Apparently all thanks to one Tom Morris called, by his older brother, Morris Minor. Still not sure where or when Stan Drews came into it but it was his name on my balls if you will excuse the phrase.

I recognised the Carlton hotel, beach and white rail fence as being featured in the opening credits of Chariots of Fire (anorakly confirmed on my return), despite them saying it was Broadstairs and although I was not expecting an Olympic gold medal or even a Cambridge blue performance I was looking forward to it. Most, if not all, of us will have seen the famous 18th on the Old Course on tele with the hotels one side, the sea the other and the bridge over the 'Burn' as the backdrop. Watch for it next year in the Open and you can say 'I played there'. Well technically next to it although I noted many played the first few holes on the new course by hitting the ball left having to 'recover' by playing a shot (or four Mr Mose) from an Old Course hole fairway. I can only assume this was meant and was not simply a result of not being able to hit the ball straight.

After getting in and out of waterproofs several times before teeing off I came to the decision that I should keep the sun on us all by keeping the waterproofs on as every time I took them off it rained again. As a result I was joined on about the 4th by Betty Swollocks who accompanied me for the rest of the round. I was also being troubled by a sniffy niffer as the hay fever kicked in, unusually so near the sea. But Mr Mose out did me as after two holes he looked as if he had gone a round with Tyson. Unfortunately a combination of hay fever and a jobsworth course bod plus a certain inconsistency led to Mr Mose having a touch of the rats for most of the round despite efforts from his 4 ball colleagues. I did wonder at one point if he was heading for a heavy flow in a day or so!

The mention of course jobsworth struck accord with most on the day. I think we all know who he was. I think he had a deep seated inferiority complex brought about by a dominating wife or mother environment either that or he was just a c*nt! He pounced on us on the third green whence we all forced and missed putts but this did not satisfy His Royal Scroteness and he followed us to the fourth tee where I crumpled under pressure. The first worried the gorse, three from the tee was a big whoosh and moved it an inch (about the size of his....) and playing again (coz I needed a larff) put a right handed arc on it closing on a 90 degree turn-blob. The fifth saw Bazza hit as good a bunker shot as I have ever seen, even the sand seemed to enjoy it! I was waiting to see the replay. I have to mention that there were some good bunker shots around all throughout the weekend.

Myself and Baz played out a nip and tuck matchplay sealed by a 'glorious chip in on the 17th to win it' (Baz's words not mine I hasten to add) exacerbated by me blobbing the 18th (salt in wounds). I think I went two down with about 6 to play but then won three on the trot-Go Team Essex!

The usual first tee tension was heightened by where we were and by the fact that several passers by pause to watch, but most got away fairly clean. Not so me on the Eden course earlier. I did feel for the starter who after giving me a score card, yardage chart, pin position sheet and good local knowledge watched me slam the ball into gorse some 5 yards off the tee. I put it down to the amount of paperwork I was trying to stuff into various pockets! I needed a bloody secretary.

For most, the scores were slightly down against other courses played highlighting the course difficulty. Although I can't resist saying I posted one of my best scores, well I rarely do anything that is expected of me, beating Baz in matchplay along the way despite his strenuous efforts to squeeze a halved match from the cards in the bar afterwards. In fact I believe I was the only person to be cut as a result. Jeff has since pointed out that I have more to be cut so that put me back in my place.

Ronnie once again won the day and seeing him pretty consistently hitting fairways, greens and cups it was no surprise. But I hope everyone enjoyed the day and the experience.

Monday 5th July - Eden course

(Report by Barry Hughes)

For some foolish reason I had the idea of playing a nine hole Texas Scramble on the Eden course at St Andrews and maybe you can get too much of a good thing as subsequent timings were thrown into disarray - nobody mention Jeff and Webby playing 18 holes in the morning !!!

All groups played steady with only one shot separating the field.

Winners:

Brian Lock, Jeff Hughes, Chris Webb, Andre Clothier (-2)

Barry Hughes, Chris Goodman, Peng Cheah, Dave Morris (-1)

Paul Mose, Dave Abbott, Ronnie Giltjes, Bryan Arthur (-1)

Rebuild Hadrian's Wall!

Tuesday 6th July 2004 - Order of Merit Event - Lundin Links
(Report by Bryan Arthur)

The cry of the Scottish as Jeff puts the wind up them!

An epic day got under way with typical smoothness as Jeff demonstrated superb scrounging abilities to provide breakfast for a bus full of hungry tourists — a superb piece of crisis management.

Thanks go to both Hughes brothers for all the organising of the entire weekend. Finally everyone thanks Peng for his Vasco da Gamma skills — i.e. pointing us in the right direction. With the thank you’s out of the way – a few highlights of the final day. I'm sure a few will feature in this year's Golden Golf Ball Awards.

A good start would be Niall – handicap 27, score 30 points and kicking his bag in frustration at a bad shot. If I had kicked my bag after bad shots, I would probably have missed!! No story is complete without Andre – tried to play out of a ditch / burn — how does Scottish mud taste Andre? Also, how does the trick shot go? Hit ball, hits tree and lands back at your feet?!!

We must mention Mr Lock’s trousers. I am told he had to return to the Clubhouse because if he bent over to pick his ball up, Scottish astronomers might have thought it was a full moon or possibly even an eclipse!!! Talking of Brian, we must of course congratulate him and his team Essex on their victory — Team Wiltshire feels well spanked!

Andre, of course, was not the only player to play from a burn. Step forward Hughes B, although I have it on good authority this was only done in order to try to get in to the yearbook! Just because you were lucky enough to get out, you get the mention!! although I'm told it was a glorious shot, displaying huge levels of skill and ability.............................ok I added that (Baz).

Mosey gets a mention for hiring a homicidal trolley – setting off down a flat fairway, it suddenly jammed solid and rammed itself in to his stomach – looked painful – and funny!!

FORE!! went the cry from Webby – ignored the response.
JEFF went the cry from webby – this time he took the hint and ducked.

Webby and Andre (again) — the rock lobster twins — go for the burn boys!!!

Finally to Tony Dill — Boarding pass number 007 – do Easy Jet know something we don't?!?! Not only did he finish 18 holes on the final day but he ensures me he had golf balls left over.

Cheers Chaps – I am now going to the fridge so I can raise a beer to good tourists (I would love to say good golf but there are too many witnesses to my playing!!) and future events.

Gentlemen we have witnessed something special

Monday 11th August 2004
(Report by Barry Hughes)

The order of Merit took another twist as Jeff produced his finest golf to claim successive Stableford victory’s and keep the heat on Ronnie, posting an incredible tally of 45 points. Ronnie also played well scoring 40 points and despatching Andre 9&8 in the Matchplay plate – Well done Andre that’s the second time you have been slaughtered !

On an overcast day with fairly receptive greens, the Hainault Forest Golf Club was duly killed by most of the field as 80% of the players broke the 30 points barrier.

Niall continued his recent good form with 32 points and in a see-saw game against Paul for the Chairman’s Invitation plate; they could not be separated at the end, and we have recorded our first halved match in this competition – the guys will get together to play again as Lard was most disappointed by the charitable contribution of £0 !!! due from a halved match.

Bryan Arthur had a good day posting 38 points and finishing 3rd, it could have been so much better if he hadn’t three putted the closing holes and blobbed 17 !! Still he has a liking for the par 3's at Hainault, after the famous hole-in-one in November 2000 (at the 2nd hole), he hit the pin with his tee shot at fifteen (and then spoilt it by three putting !!)

Dave Morris also had a steady if not disappointing day – he scored 36 points to claim 4th place overall, however three putting most of the holes on the back nine put paid to a potentially similar score to Jeff (or Ronnie).

Brian Lock had a rare off day as he posted 28 points and finished down the field in 7th place, while Barry, Andre and Lard occupied the final places at the back end of the field.

A disappointing day for Lard and Baz after they both made solid starts, before they got distracted by their Matchplay Plate game – after a tight game early on Baz eventually ran out a 3&2 winner to gain revenge for the defeat inflicted by the Lard at the new course St Andrews......................... not that I’m bitter !

Anyway back to the main story of the day Jeff 22 points out (40 strokes) he came back in 23 points (37 strokes) to post a Gross round of 77 (nett 61) – I have to say, great delight was taken by many people (certainly Ronnie) when Jeff saw his new handicap announced at 13.0 (rank #2 in the society) but well played a great round.

*Chairman’s Plate update – Niall won the re-match by 2up. 

There's some chicken left in the Order of Merit !!!

12th September 2004

(Report by Paul Mose)

The time of year has rolled around again for the Cross Counties Golf Society to visit "Chav" country once again. Those of you with sense (Jeff pending) have moved away, but return annually for the "Fake jewel in the crown" of the Cross Counties Order of Merit Season.

Not a fake Burberry head cover in sight!
A warm welcome awaited us from the club house, more than could be said for the wind; it was about as forgiving as Jeff on the practice putting green.

With almost as many guests as members and not a fake Burberry head cover in sight, play commenced.

There could have been Brent Hampstead's everywhere
Mosey set the tone of his front 9 by blobbing the 1st & 5th holes, losing 2 balls and more than enough shots that were only just marginally better than he was. But a solid back 9 made up for that, coming in a consistent 5. One of the few highlights on the front 9 was an outstanding catch from 5 yards from Jeff's thinned lob wedge on the 8th tee, but for lightning reactions there could have been Brent Hampstead's everywhere.

After only 2 holes Jeff rediscovered his "unnamed" syndrome, cursing everything from the weather, the course, people not finding his ball and his jet propelled golf balls. Or maybe it was the fact he had the short game of a one armed dwarf with ADHD! Threatening to walk off after 4 holes, most of his best chips on the front 9 were on his shoulder.

The 3 ball was made up by Jose, a Mexican in the making and I should know (Team Mexico founder member). Both played some good golf, although Jeff didn't think so, I thought he composed himself really well and scored better than they both thought.

The kind of game that would make an onion cry!

The 2nd group out consisted of Cross Counties No 1 ranked golfer Ronnie Giltjes, Brian Level 5's Look, Peng 'Enter sandman' Cheng and Chris Goodman.

Chris didn’t have one of his better rounds since joining the society, although putting like a god kept him in contention for 4th spot in the Order of Merit behind Ronnie, Jeff and Brian.

Brian added career victory No. 5 to his ever expanding trophy cabinet, with some consistent scoring and a good 37 points return. He slipped up late on and drifted outside the buffer zone for a cut of 1.2. Not like you Lockie.

Peng on the other hand had the kind of game that would make an onion cry, finding almost all of the bunkers the course had to offer him but a return of 19 points from 9 holes and 9 blobs at least provided him with some good to take from the day and build on.

Unless Ronnie sells his clubs

Ronnie virtually assured the Order of Merit title in his debut season by posting an 83 and 31 points with Jeff a lowly 9th and 24 points.

Unless Ronnie sells his clubs and buys a house in Choke on Trent, the Order of Merit Cup will make the short trip from Kent to Essex at Pineridge.

With Bryan Arthur, The Chair, Lard and Andre next up. They were hoping for the wind to calm down to Hurricane Ivan but had to struggle like the rest of us.

Bryan came in an unusually low 7th with 24 points; nowhere near his accustomed 2nd spot and moved to 8th overall for the season.

The crows give it away

Lard claimed 4th spot on the day with a fantastic and deserved 30 points. He obviously drew inspiration from the crows which turned up to watch him hole out on the 18th green and complete one of his best ever rounds and 2nd consecutive cut (0.4) - They know, you know.

Andre was pushed back into 10th with 24 points as he was beaten on count back, completing the group.

I desperately need a Sh*t

Barry, Tony and Simon brought up the rear. Simon came in a good 8th with 24 points beating Jeff and Andre on count back.
Dilly came last on the day with 18 points, 1 point behind Peng. This might of have had something to do with him not bothering to find his ball on the 18th, declaring to Lard as he passed him on the 18th green "I'm going in, I desperately need a sh*t".

Setting the early pace with his driving wedge

Barry on the other hand, came in a respectable 6th and picked up the nearest the pin prize at the par 3 8th.

The longest drive contest was played out under a Harvard Aerobat display and a joy riding Hurricane. Jeff went about setting the early pace with his driving wedge. Taking his driver out of the bag for the 1st time on the day only to hit his ball 45 yds down the fairway, and only just passed the ladies. Controversy reigned again as Barry was told he hadn’t won the longest drive with his 2 iron but was in a dead heat with Peng, so the money rolls.

The pairs comp was also played in conjunction with the stableford comp, with Congratulations go to Barry and Brian Lock for taking the title from last years Champions, Team Mexico. Almost a clean sweep Baz!!

So as the season draws to a close, I think we would all like to wish Jeff and Ronnie the best of luck at pineridge and may the best golfer win.

I personally would like to see Jeff bring his A-game to the final event and push Ronnie all the way. I know the odds are stacked in Ronnie’s favour but Jeff do your best, keep him honest and push him all the way. Good Luck to you both.

Saturday 8th November 2003

(Report by Tony Dillion)

October was upon us and the day of your outgoing captain was here and Pine Ridge was the venue for the final shoot out of the season.

All the usual faces arrived in dribs and drabs making their way through the breakfasts and coffees. Today was also to be the Matchplay final between Bryan Arthur and myself. With the weather looking in doubt and the sun noticeable only by its absence, everyone gathered around the first tee only to watch in amazement as their beloved captain smashed his tee shot 100yards right along the ground, (what an example to set) - still it made a pleasant change as it wasn't in the trees, or the sea and I was able to look for the ball on the correct side of the fairway.

Things did get better as on the first both Dave Morris and Bryan Arthur decided that they would try to remove every pine tree with either their ball or club so next year we will be playing the new course called "THE RIDGE" due to there being no pines left.

During the round it also came to my attention that both Simon Wray and Dave Morris tried to commit suicide by launching their golf balls directly into a tree in front of them, having to dodge it on the way back, i must congratulate Dave here as he hit 2 glorious 3 woods only to finish further back for his 3rd shot.

Finally I hear Mosey was about to play a shot, when a ball landed behind him, when confronting the culprit who hit it he called out "i have a good mind to hit it back but it would take me 2 shots to hit it that far" as such he decided against it.

Lastly i would like to congratulate Bryan Arthur on his Matchplay victory, it was a thoroughly enjoyable day for me and i hope for everyone else.

This season we have developed a new competition – the Winter Cup. This competition will be the society's fourth major competition, which is to be played post season.

Players qualify for this event with their performance across the main competitions, which are the Order of Merit, Cross Counties Cup, Matchplay and Matchplay Plate (in season 2005 the Matchplay Plate will not be used for qualification due to its change in format). A player's position in each competition is reflected in a qualifying table (for example:  1st place = 1 point and 14th place = 14 points — In Matchplay Semi Final =3 points, Quarter Final= 5 points  & preliminary round = 9 points).

The top six players (or equal  players to a maximum of 8) qualify and are placed in two groups of 3. Two rounds of Stableford are then played, with the two group winners playing a final tie of Matchplay.

Qualifiers for this season Cup are as follows:

Groupings

A final prayer and blessing - from Chairman Lard

All,

Once again I stand before you all in the school, to review the years triumphs and disappointments, the grazed knees and skinned ego's and the cries of joy and shrieks of anguish that make for another colourful full term held upon the green playing fields of St Counties.

The year was not without controversy. Indeed the school bursar was called in to check the books in attempt to as ‘early doors’, to resolve a mathematical conundrum even beyond the noted tactical combinations of Hughes Minor.

I note the honours board will be displaying some new names this year and the school caretaker is already chivvying at the seasoned teak panel. In particular he has asked if Mr Lockie and a Mr Giltjes to make themselves known as he is having a little trouble with the spelling.

Generally speaking School behaved itself and uniforms were kept well (with exception for small Niall). I understand Hughes Major won the tour spelling bee outright albeit the University Press is investigating some of the words used.

I am pleased to report that Essex House, if I may use the vernacular, 'trounced' Wiltshire House for the House Cup whilst on the Scottish field trip (something that the stool Teacher at RAF Lyneham appeared to be peaked about, that or they were trying to strafe the unsightly rubble it saw spread before them across the fair lowlands). I of course had no preference as to the outcome of the Team event and the rumours that I cleaned up as a result should be summarily dismissed. I will be speaking to the boot boy Flash about this matter at my earliest opportunity.

Matron reported that the school infirmary has had four attendees this year. Mr Arthur has since made good his recovery and has handed all his filter tipped into the Porter. Mr Hughes Minor appears to be still waiting his bionic knee, Mr Dillon got himself plastered and a local 5th Form College girl booked herself in for a short while as a direct result of some unmentionable behaviour by Mr Wray behind the Squash Courts a couple of semesters ago. Matron has also asked me to remind Mr Mose to have the jabs ahead of next summer. I also note the school dog did not fair so well after getting hold of some the leftovers from a food fest held in the dorms whilst on the Scottish field trip.

My thanks, as ever, to the sterling efforts of the school Prefects and those others volunteered to assist who keep it all ticking. Although I am led to believe that we have to have another badge made up after Mr Dillon apparently lost his in a Scottish Burn.

I now ponder and wistfully close my eyes in an attempt to picture all your fair cherub faces full of promise, vitality and errr curry, so that I can keep this moment in time in my head. However such a disturbing picture is painted that it might be that I seek counselling to try and forget it instead.

I look forward to seeing you all next term. Do not forget to do your homework over the holidays, your exam cards should be sent in regularly.

End Of Year Dinner in Big Hall

A welcome from the Captain

Here we are on the eve of the 2005 season and as is the norm at this time we look back at the old year. In doing so I decided to take a look at the Chinese calendar, and strike me down with a feather would you Adam and eve it that 2004 was the year of the "RON". What can I say about Ron's performance last year except that he played some great golf and has raised the bar even higher than what Brian Lock did the previous year, so it is now up to all of us to raise our own game.

As a society we have grown from strength to strength and it is noticeable that everyone's game has improved, as has the camaraderie. I don't know about you but society days, especially the weekend away, are events I look forward to as not only is the golf competitive but the company and humour is always top notch.

With my appointment as captain this year, thanks Dilly for giving me this honour, I intend to ensure that our regular meets continue to make us laugh and therefore a society that not only has a slightly competitive edge but meets what I think is its number one objective. To get a group of lads together who enjoy each others company because without the golf it could be very easy for us to slowly drift apart.

I wish everyone a very successful season and look forward to seeing you all in March.

Cheers
Jeff